The Reckoning

I warned you all.

Hide now. In a closet. With your favorite blanket and something chocolatey.

Prayers, prayers might also be good.

Wait, that’s not for you all, that’s for me.

Except there is no closet in this house with enough room for me, my blanket, and the concilliatory chocolate.

But that’s another post.

So I will just have to face the music.  Pay the piper. Sleep in the bed I made. Well that just doesn’t work…the bed hasn’t been made since Easter.

See?

In the last week I may have let slip, purely unintentionally, in a casual, off-hand manner, that I was a tad under the weather.

With the PLLLAAAAAGGGGGUUUUUUEEEEE!

Yes, that’s it! The Plague!

You know why I like that one so much? I can blame it on the cats.

Ok, really, we all know that the cats had nothing to do with me being sick (that I can prove) and that it’s not their fault that I have done nothing even remotely Martha-Points-Worthy since my temperature returned to normal. But I really have been coasting on the life-threatening-catastrophic-medical-condition-wherein-I-was-hovered-over-by-vultures just a wee bit too long.

Why is this placemat ON the lunchbag? Anyone? Anyone? Bueler?

And I can’t live with it any more. The guilt will eventually start to be worse the the fever.

I did try walking around the house and leaning listlessly against the walls and coughing, wrist pressed to forehead, but you really can’t pull that off without period costuming and I will never again be caught dead in anything with an empire waist.

The birthday soiree that produced this debris was last SUNDAY. The out of focus cat, for the record, is not actually helping.

In fact, the only thing I did that was even remotely Point-Worthy was make a chocolate-chip banana bread from scratch. Which would have been good for an easy 6 or 8 points, if only it had not broken into a dozen pieces like the heart of the A-V guy who pines over the Prom Queen.

Those? Those are EMPTY birdfeeders. Empty. Cue Hitchcock music....NOW!

So here goes.

Remember me fondly, please?

Current score: +30 points

  • Bag of birthday wrapping debris left in bedroom where it was set upon by feline jackals and strewn over no less than 50 square feet of carpet: -6 points
  • Hammer and chisel installed in kitchen for the sake of leveraging jargs and cartons off of the refrigerator shelves they have atomically bonded to due to mystery spillage: -5 points
  • Developing new shades of brown and green for the fall line of “In Your Abandoned Vegetable Bin”: -6 points
  • Empty toilet paper tubes stacked like Lincoln logs in the master bath:-3 points
  • Chipped paint that the April-Hailstorm-of-Doom scraped from the trellis and scattered all over the deck like shredded wheat still lying, unswept, on the deck (like…ummm…shredded wheat): -5 points
  • AND…I made shake and bake and pasta-roni for dinner last night (a double whammy): -4 points

Which brings my new total to: 1 point

One point may actually be more pitiful than zero points, or negative points. One point almost makes it look like I wasn’t trying hard enough to do myself in. Like I didn’t really mean it.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

46 comments

    1. Ultimately, I decided that whatever points I would have gotten for making it, I lost when we broke into chunks trying to get it out of the baking dish.

      Still tasted good, though. And my kids don’t care that the loaf wasn’t in any way loaf-shaped. They’re easy that way, the kids.

  1. Thank goodness summer is coming and the breeze will sweep the decks clean, bring fresh air into the house to clear the rotten vegetable smells out and give us a reason to neglect the interior for the wonderful outdoors.

    Very funny. Been there. Am in negative points.

  2. Okay, as the others … I loved this blog! That said, and my facial expression taut trying to retain some sense of, well, sensibility and coolness, here’s a quick tale. You haven’t lived, my dear, until your ex (or partner, or friend) tells you he went to the doc’s office and our neighbor (female & older) said hello Mr. so and so. Do you know that you have cat hair all over your umm, backside? I laughed so hard, and still laughing, that it brings me relief more than the divorce did!

    Truly good blog – thx for cheering me up and reminding me of the cat story!

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