Ways in which I am high-maintenance: part one of a way-too-friggin’-long series.
In the Cast of Characters page I mention that Himself wakes me every weekday morning with a cup of coffee. Perfectly executed coffee. Which, given my coffee needs, really warrants his consideration as a Roads Scholar.
So, here are the essentials:
Coffee, milk and flavored creamer. Note the artistic emphasis on the flavored creamer in the photo. This is intentional. Although French Vanilla is not one of my favorites, but we were out of creamer, which in my house is cause for midnight runs to convenience stores, and convenience stores open at midnight do not feel particularly compelled to cater to irrational, high-maintenance coffee drinkers who would really prefer caramel-cinammon or chocolate-hazelnut flavors of chemical coffee additives. Convenience stores open at midnight that stock coffee-creamer pretty well expect you to count yourself lucky that there is any place even open at midnight that offers you anything by way of flavored coffee creamer, so you will take the French Vanilla and by God, you’ll be happy with it.
The goal: a coffee beverage that does not taste like coffee.
Step one: Add milk.
Note: I do not typically make my coffee in a drinking glass. A drinking glass suggests that the final two ingredients should be ice and vodka. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I don’t want this post to deteriorate into a bad “Movie of the Week” plot. But, I needed to be able to clearly and precisely illustrate the proper proportions, so I used a drinking glass cause, well, you can see through it.
The key here is a mellow finale which means that the proportion of non-coffee ingredients to coffee needs to be quite high. BUT, using flavored coffee creamer as the sole mechanism for achieving the mellow finale results in a liquid that has roughly the same sugar content as a Snickers bar, and as nice as Snickers bars are, I don’t think many of us want that to be the way we wake up each morning. So the first ingredient, the one that achieves the silky smooth balance without being cloyingly sweet, is milk.
Step two: Add flavored coffee creamer.
Some of my finest photography, don’t you think?
Also, Himself wanted me to be sure and mention that adding the non-coffee ingredients first is the trick to not needing to stir the drink. Why is this important, you ask? I’ll tell you. Because I am psychotic and spoons in coffee drinks really annoy me. And if you use a spoon to stir coffee, you might forget to remove the spoon before delivering the drink and then your wife will look at you as if you have just brought her the head of a stuffed moose instead of a cup of lovingly prepared coffee. So, figuring this crafty work-around out was a way to ensure that this potentially relationship-ending error simply never occurs.
Step three: Add coffee.
Note the color: rich, creamy tan. Not too dark, not too pale. Getting this color requires that the non-coffee ingredients are between 33% and 40% of the total volume of liquid. This particular specimen is on the high end, but is still comfortably within the Golden Proportion and will make me happy.
It only took Himself a couple of weeks during the early dating phase (when, of course, you are expending maximum effort on “looking like a good catch” ) to learn the magic formula. And, hey, we’re married now, so he did good.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…The Surprise!
Since I don’t drink coffee in a drinking glass, here is a photo of the drink in an actual mug (hint: the mug is the important part).
Look! Isn’t that cute! I was goofing around one day and decided to see what it would look like if I put my bubble banner on a coffee cup, and I thought it looked adorable. And then I put words on it, and I liked it more. And then I decided that I’d buy it. Except I didn’t buy one, I bought two. One for me, and one to give away.
On the front it says, “I made a cup of coffee! +10 Points”
And on the back it says, “I left the cup in the laundry room…
for a week. -12 Points.”
And it has the blog web address on it somewhere.
As this is just a silly little thing that only people who enjoy the blog would find funny, I’m not going to register the give-away on websites, or promote it on BlogFrog. I mean, it’s a mug… not a stand-mixer or a juicy gift-card. I may tweet about it as a few people there are fans. It’s really just meant to be a funny little goodie for people who have enjoyed the concept of the Martha Points Scale and to show appreciation to a few amazing people who have made starting this blog so much fun for me.
To enter: leave a comment telling me something that gained or lost you points this holiday weekend. Complicated I know, but you are a small but sophisticated bunch so I’m confident you can handle it. Entries open through Friday. I suppose. That sounds about right, doesn’t it?