It started out innocently enough… A random drawing to win a mug. But things got tense. Things got ugly. A gauntlet was thrown. A gauntlet was picked up, and before you could say “Black, two sugars,” we were at Defcon 4. Also known as:
You folks are lucky to have ringside seats for what is sure to be an amazing battle of strength, stamina, flexibility, guile and silver-polishing abilities all in a vat of home made chocolate pudding! I hope you brought your cameras folks, because the action is gonna be flying fast and furious and you don’t want to miss a thing.
SO LET’S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS.
In the near corner, hailing from A Belle, A Bean and A Chicago Dog, we have The Lovely, The Luscious, The Lioness of Lysol, LIZ.
And in the far corner, originating from Time to Make the Brownies, the Outrageous, the Audacious, the Princess of Pledge, LAURA.
Ladies, let’s review the rules. No eye-gouging. If you see blood, ignore it. In-ring repair of facial lacerations must use either a link or lazy-daisy stitch. Use of tea-cozies is limited to the final period. Flower arranging is allowed as long as it follows league rules. Are we clear? GOOD.
As the contestants finish their warm-up vacuuming, let’s take a moment to analyze the gear. Both women are wearing the regulation lace aprons and killer heels, but Laura is going to knock ‘em dead in her leopard-print sheath dress, just look at those legs! And the Coco Chanel jewelry really pulls it all together. Liz has chosen to compliment the apron with a black lace cat-suit. Let’s all take moment to appreciate the curves on that highway, shall we? And the feather boa? Can we all say icing on the cake? I think we can.
But these women are not simply eye-candy! They each bring literally HOURS of training to this event. They are ready to wrestle, wrangle, and pursue the Martha Points to the DEATH if necessary to get their hands on the coveted prize mug.
TO YOUR CORNERS! When you hear the bell, come out swinging!
Laura is first into the pit with a swan dive that puts the Korean Olympic Team to shame! Liz follows quickly and did you see a ripple in that pudding? ‘Cause I sure didn’t. Liz is first to surface and she spots Laura’s wake and jumps feet first! But Laura was ready and catches Liz by the apron ties in a full body spin! BUT WAIT! Liz is turning Laura’s momentum against her and THEY BOTH GO DOWN! Laura is up first and gets Liz into a “Dust Monster” choke hold! But the pudding is too slick, Liz has already broken free! Liz turns and attempts the classic “Shower Grout Wedgie” but Laura’s well-known limberness thwarts any attempt at knicker-yanking. Laura’s under the pudding again but Liz is keeping a quick eye out, knowing the attack will surely come from below. AND THERE SHE IS, getting Liz by the ankles and trying the “Table Refinish Tangle!” But will it hold??? NO!! Liz is free and sending a roundhouse right at Laura’s head! NO, I mean, “right at where Laura’s head used to be” cause that girl is lightning quick! But Liz is not letting the pudding congeal beneath her feet! She’s FLYING across the pit and they’re down again! Liz is up, NO, that’s Laura! With all the pudding it’s hard to tell!
LADIES TO YOUR CORNERS!
Okay folks, while the judges deliberate, let’s take a moment to thank our sponsors. Sir Squish-a-Lot Pudding, Lacy Underthings Aprons, and special thanks to JiffyLube for their work on our contestants’ hair.
And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Can I have the envelop (aka randomly generated number between 1 and 29 courtesy Himself and Microsoft Excel) please!!
AND THE WINNER OF MUGBRAWL 2010 IS: TRACIE from Where I Was Today!
Oh my stars!! Who saw that coming!! Talk about out of left field! And not a speck of pudding on her!
Well, ladies, you win some, you lose some, and sometimes you lose a tiara in a vat of pudding. Now hit the showers. HARD! Pudding doesn’t come out easy, you know!
And to everyone who entered my silly little contest, thank you heartily. I was worried that no one would be interested in a ridiculous little Martha Points coffee cup, but apparently other people appreciated the silliness as much as I did. And the hilarious trash talk and puffed-up coveting just made my day. I do believe I have the best readers in all of blog-dom. And I’ll defend that opinion all the way to the pudding pits.
Tracie, email me with your address and I’ll pop this baby in the mail to you!
And special thank you and love to Himself for designing my own custom rand0m-number generator and making me the coffee that inspired all this silliness.