Do you ever have those times, times when you’re trying to do something right, but it’s like gremlins are dancing around your heels tugging at your pants, sending you off balance, pulling on tablecloths to knock over china, making things you didn’t mean to say out loud actually leave your mouth? When foibles and follies follow you like a bad credit report and you feel like some karmic hairstylist gave your aura a mullet?
Ever have those times?
And then, there’s the feeling guilty. Or stupid. Or…like a big fat snail killer.
It started out so innocently. Watering the flowers.
I had noticed that something was snacking on one of my hydrangeas. And I’m not naive. I know that it’s a herd of snails. (Pack of snails? Pride of snails? Bevy of snails? Camp of snails? Scurry of snails? Improbability of snails?) But it’s not like I have any real interest in donning a netted safari hat and hunting the snails down. And I’m not a huge fan of the pellets. So mostly I ignore them.
But today, as I was watering, thinking innocent non-snail-killing thoughts, I noticed one steadfastly clinging to the underside of a leaf. ON the hydrangea plant.
Ah ha! Exclaimed I. One varmint spotted.
My plan, pinch off the leaf and toss the leaf with its houseguest way down the sideyard where it will take him weeks to make his way back to my delicate little hydrangea.
So I yanked the leaf off the plant, and set to toss it when….something happened, I’m not sure what. The leaf slipped in my hand and tossing somehow became flinging, and the snail let go of the leaf, and then…well…I don’t have a photograph of the ensuing carnage, but here’s an artist’s rendering.
I have no idea what was going through the snails mind before he smashed into the fence, but I bet it was something along the lines of “I knew I should have taken that left turn at ALLLLGGGGGHAAAAAAAHHHH!!”
And for showing such reckless regard for life, even of the slimy variety, I hereby deduct: –8 Martha Points
Bringing my new total to: +26 Points
Santa’s not bringing me anything this year.