Oh, the wrongness!

You’re looking at me funny.

I know, it’s Thursday. I often don’t post on Thursday.

I decided some random time ago that posting 4 days of the week and once on weekends was a good schedule.

And Thursday became the off day because it happened that way a few weeks in a row and thus a tradition was born.

But this morning drama happened, so of course I turn to my blog as an outlet to prevent post-traumatic stress disorder.

I have mentioned before that I have a very particular coffee recipe. And by “particular” what I really mean is: crazy specific in a way that makes Monk look like a high-functioning and mentally flexible individual. The recipe is critical to the beginning of my morning.  The recipe is what allows me to transition from sleeping to waking without screaming, shrieking, sheet ripping, catastrophic meltdown or paranoid ideation.

The coffee must not taste like coffee.

I have also mentioned that the incredible man I married perfected the recipe within two weeks of meeting me, and wooed me by waking me with a cup of perfectly executed coffee whenever we happened to be waking up in the same abode, those early dating days.

He still wakes me with the perfect coffee.

And as such we have never had to buy new linens because I’ve suffered a traumatic break upon rising.

This morning, though…something went very, very wrong.

Himself went to the gym early, and when he does that he brings two cups of coffee home with him. The gym provides Starbucks coffee for free. So he takes advantage. And then he does the special Crazy-Lori-Magic-Mixing to it and brings it to me.  Today he also had to leave early for work, so came into the bedroom, set down my coffee, kissed me goodbye and zoomed out of the house (mostly there was zooming – he did drop something heavy but my head was still under a pillow so I’m not sure what he dropped, it may have been a cat).

I wiggled around a bit then sat up to drink my coffee. Alone. I hate when that happens.

Before I took the first sip, I knew something was wrong. My coffee smelled something like Bailey’s.

Except…I knew full well no Bailey’s had been added to my coffee. My husband would like me to stay gainfully employed, so I know that he’s not spiking my morning joe. Drunk health care workers are typically frowned upon in this neck of the woods. I believe they’re also frowned upon in the shin of the woods, the left elbow of the woods, and don’t get me started on how opposed to this they are around the spleen of the woods.

I took a sip.

EWWWWWWWW.

Fermented. Something in the coffee is fermented. Except not in a good-aged-to-liquorish-perfection-way, but in a something-has-been-stored-imporperly-and-is-potentially-posining-you-way.

I pulled the cup away and stared at it, as if holding the cup and looking at it intently would afford me some sort of coffee-vulcan-mind-meld ability where I could deduce just what the hell had gone wrong with this beverage.

Nothing. It remained mute. I have absolutely NO psychic powers.

After a few minutes of useless staring I forced myself out of bed and fumbled my way to the kitchen. Since no coffee had happened, I also fumbled through opening the refrigerator door and fumbled the milk and creamer to the counter top. Yes, there was spillage. Coffee-less fumbling ain’t a pretty sight.

Sniffed the milk, nothing offensive there.

Sniffed the creamer….EWWWWWWW.

NEW creamer. Just opened this morning. New flavor though, also. So I cannot attest to whether or not the offensiveness is due to spoilage or due to some crazy, tastebud-less person in product development for Carnation who concocted this monstrosity on purpose.

Either scenario is equally possible. I mean, someone somewhere invented Baconnaise, didn’t they?

But the greatest tragedy, the thing that at 6:45 this morning doomed this day to badness, was that I had to brew more coffee myself.

And mix it myself.

And I don’t do it as well as Himself does.

I’ve almost forgotten the recipe.

Today’s gonna suck.

This post irreverently linked to “Word Up Yo!” hosted by your friendly Nerd Mafia: Liz, Nathalie and KLZ. Link back to their awesome spaces to party on like Garth and Wayne.

30 comments

  1. Sorry I didn’t warn you – I actually noticed a potential problem when I opened the new bottle of creamer – honey vanilla, was it? – and took a whiff. Yeah – somebody in Carnation’s product development or taste-testing facilities is smokin’ the devil weed. Whoever let this flavor out into the universe needs to be reassigned to shipping/receiving where they can’t do any more damage to unsuspecting drowsy-morning coffee-challenged blogstresses.

  2. Haha. “Sorry I didn’t warn you.”

    Anyway, I just had this discussion with Fiance this morning before turning on the computer – even though I made my own coffee for years before him, he does it right. And he is in charge of it. Forever.

    Boys know their way around coffee. Maybe if I poured it all over the bathroom, he’d clean, too. Hm.

    1. It’s amazing how it works – how is it that testosterone imbues an individual with stellar coffee making ability?

      And yes – it will be his now forever and ever and ever.

  3. Lori, that sounds awful. I couldn’t go through a day if something like that happened to me. I really think you ought to have some kind of emergency set up for situations like these. Some kind of insurance.

  4. Ew. I hate it when that happens. I have the smell of things totally turn me off of consuming it before. Stuff that isn’t spoiled, but sure smells like it could be. :p

    1. I think the conclusion of the family (who gathered for a full analysis this evening) was that it was, in fact, just a really really horrible flavor, and not actually spoiled.

      Which, I think, is worse.

  5. While I am sympathetic to the no coffee this morning problem I was hoping this was going to end in another mug giveaway. Greedy, I know. And, no, I do not care for your leftover creamer. I hope your day improved.

    1. I would never, ever wish this coffee creamer upon someone I consider a friend.

      Someone who tries to sell me Amway crap, however, I will serve it to immediately.

  6. You have THE nicest husband! I wish I had developed a taste for coffee. Black coffee. I’m quite sure that many of the extra pounds I have are from using Coca-cola to wake up. :)

    1. He’s a crazy nice husband.

      And if I could get behind the black coffee, I’d save a ton o’ calories too!

      Sadly, I only like it if it tastes like coffee ice cream.

      So I totally get the coca-cola.

  7. I love that Himself starts his comment with “Sorry I didn’t warn you”…if my Himself did that, I’d be plotting ways to get him back! (Kidding…kind of…)

    Hope your day wasn’t a total loss and that at least one cool thing happened for you :)

  8. Sorry your morning was ruined.

    My morning was fabulous. And my coffee? Perfection.

    Sheets? A teeny ripped, but that had nothing to do with the coffee. All in all? A great morning!

    Thought you’d want to know.

    1. Hmmm….I bet your ripped sheets were acquired in a much more fun way than mine were.

      And again with the envy.

      And phooey on coffee perfection. Who needs it?

      Well…me…in a desperately pathetic way.

      I hate being desperately pathetic.

    1. There was a family tasting later and or only conclusion is the expire date is in OCTOBER. This crap is all sugar and fake non-dairy stuff…how can it go bad???

      Has to be psychotic product development guy.

      Avoid the new Honey Vanilla AT ALL COSTS.

      Putrid.

  9. I feel your pain. The other day I made a waffle and then cringed at the taste! I looked at the box again and realized I had bought the blueberry flavored waffles by accident. Yuck. It’s hard when you’re not forewarned about a gross taste/flavor. I think I was more mad at myself for having wasted money on the wrong kind. Ugh. It probably happened when I was fumbling with my toddler in the store. This is a great blog. I enjoyed reading your post.

    1. Oh grrr…I hate when that happens. I mean to by plain something and discovered I’ve bought “Italian Seasoned!” (Not so much in waffles though, more in Shake and Bake.)

      And I cannot blame my fumbling on a toddler. My toddlers are now teenagers.

      Could I borrow yours?

  10. Wow, this is surely a sign that something is misaligned in the universe! So glad you didn’t drink more of the nastiness.

    BTW, I love that Himself is commenting on your blog. And quite humorously, I might add! Guest post in his future?

  11. Ugh – I hate when there is no coffee in the morning (yes, I have my first one in bed as well, what a treat). The day seems doomed.
    However, I hope that today (Friday) you got a perfectly creamed coffee again that will erase this bad memory!

  12. LOL I always know to come here if I need a good laugh. Sorry your morning started out rough though! And the neck, elbow and spleen of the woods had me in tears!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s