Snark Bait

It’s everywhere.

The ridiculous tai-chi mailman who can’t close my mailbox. I have a normal mailbox. It has no levers, pulleys, laser-sensors or key-pads. Every day that I find the mailbox open the temptation to remark on the mad tech skills necessary to lift the front back into place rests on my lips waiting…but I push it back.

Like a trail of blood in the water, my sharp, forked tongue tastes the ridiculousness, the obliviousness, the callous stupidity that just seems to drift everywhere and my heart rate speeds up.

Snark attack!!

The person at the ATM who not only doesn’t prepare their deposit before commandeering the machine, but also realizes that they haven’t brought a deposit slip, a pen, several of the checks they want to get into their bank account or any usable neurons with them.

“Perhaps you should stick with the abacus…” Does not get said aloud.

The girl who parks her shiny red VW Beetle in two parking spaces. Sort of. Not really in two places, but just over the line into the space next to her. Neither ballsy enough to claim she’s taking two spaces, nor considerate enough to keep herself in one. Sort of the passive-aggressive approach to not wanting her new, glossy paint scratched, but it’s hard to be sure. “Are you really bad at being obnoxious or just really bad at parking?” gets bitten back.

Now my tongue is bleeding.

I spent many years learning to tame this sharp tongue, because for a long time I thought my only asset was my brain and that being smarter than everyone else was my only advantage. And I further thought that the only way to showcase my sole asset was to highlight how much smarter I was than everyone else, and the way to do this was to make everyone else look stupid.

You can imagine how fun high school was for someone with this decidedly warped philosophy.

When someone – I don’t even remember who now – turned to me after one of these quick, razor remarks that I actually did say out loud and asked in a really tired way, “Are you always a bitch?” The snark-infested waters of my brain quipped back with, “Because I should aspire to the alternative?”

But the currents turned chillier in that moment.

Thus began an internal revolution where though I couldn’t stop thinking them, I did learn to stop voicing them – these sharp, barbed comments that exposed the unintentional or possibly unnoticed goofs or gaffes that were such easy snark-fodder.

And about that time I also appreciated that there were lots of other smart people around me, I just hadn’t noticed them because they were not inclined to jump the snark the way I was.

So I keep reining that part of me in. And the mail-man, and the deposit-fumbler, and the ridiculous girl with the shiny new car swim off un-bitten.

Who knows…they may find themselves in a snark tank with someone else. Someone even snarkier than me.

This post linked with no snark whatsoever to “Word Up, Yo!” at the A Belle, A Bean and a Chicago Dog, Mommy of A Monster and Taming Insanity Nerd Mafia Network. Click over to play, if you want an offer you can’t refuse.

45 comments

  1. I pity the fool who ends up being the victim of your unleashed snark. it’ll happen one of these days. we’re getting to that crotchety age, you know, where we lose our filter.

    this was a really well done post. I love the imagery.

    1. Thank you for the kind compliment, lovely lady!

      It does break through now and again, but overall life got better when I tamed the shark tendencies.

  2. I love that Gigi said “I pity the fool…” isn’t that what Mr. T used to say??!!

    I haven’t gotten mature enough to hold my snark in…it’s a work in progress though.

    Did I mention this might be my favorite snarky post yet?!

  3. I can really bust out my snark– but it’s reserved for those who I believe “deserve it”, i.e., it’s always the person who’s been snarky with me first. I’m working on it.

    And I must comment on the ATM– I try to have my deposit (because deposits are what take the very very longest) as prepared as I possibly can be before I pull up. Everything’s ready to go. STILL, they take quite a while. It’s their nature. Couple times ago I had some wenchy woman lay on her horn. That was thee hardest time I had, because I was all prepared with the bird, and I was gonna wave it in her direction for a good 30 seconds.

    1. Yes, but at least you come prepared!!

      I’m down with it taking a bit – it is complicated. But…if they don’t have a pen OR the checks they want, perhaps coming back later??? I might be able to help with the pen, but I almost never actually have their money.

  4. I loved your post! I consider myself snarky, but sweet. Because, like you, I think it but seldom say it. Except on my blog. There I can be as snarky as I wanna be and people love it, because come on, only smart people blog, right? (Oh, wait, and I can be snarky to LeDaddy, he has gown used to (read: learned to tune out) my wonderfully witty snarkiness.)

    1. It’s amazing how husbands “acclimate” to things.

      Like snark…and full wastebaskets….

      And thank you, sweet lady, for the compliment!

  5. I’m horrified to find I can’t find a snarky response to this.

    The snarks must smell my blood in the water because they are circling my comeback-light ass right now.

  6. I kept the snark to myself for decades. Lately I have been sharing small doses with the world in person because sometimes my options seem to be say something or break something.

    Perimenopause sucks

    1. Ok, if those are your choices, ALWAYS go with “say something.”

      Unless the thing to be broken is something really really ugly given to you by someone you don’t actually like.

      Then maybe try the breaking!

  7. I have the opposite problem. I am too nice. I think snark…I will often release the snark within the safe confines of my car…but the people who really deserve a good snark bite? I swim away all wuss-like. *sigh*

    I can in no way compete with the fabulousness of this post. I fear I will never be made.

    1. I think technically that’s called “good manners.”

      And it’s okay…you can’t help being a product of your good upbringing and general kindness.

      We forgive you. ;)

    1. I hadn’t thought about that.

      But only the new pretentious ones. Classic vintage ones are okay. Cause that’s more like rainbow toe socks.

  8. I only think snark… and sometimes really would like to get it out.
    Oh, and the tai-chi mailman? He’s actually not the one who delivers the mail to our houses. “Ours” can be really grumpy (and sometimes deserves a snark!!!)

    1. Tai-chi guy doesn’t deliver here? (And I’m good with the tai-chi, it’s just sorta quirky).

      So some grumpy guy can’t close my mailbox? That’s even worse.

  9. Karma, karma, karma. (Chameleon.)

    Whenever I get pissy with someone, I always try to remind myself that I don’t know what they’re going through, what their day’s been like, or how many bad things have happened to them recently to make them either a) stupid or b) thoughtless.

    Usually, imagining that someone locked themselves out of the house, had to try to climb in a window, and split their pants makes me feel better for a moment, and then compassionate towards them in two.

    When in doubt, imagine people with their butts hanging out. Works on so many levels.

    1. You are a wise and kind lady.

      And I did find that once I clamped down on the snarkiness, seeing people with their butts hanging out (metaphorically speaking) was actually much much easier.

  10. This is a great post! I love the way you used snark in place of shark. The description fits. I’m pretty much a wimp and don’t speak what I’m really thinking…ever. I think I’m learning that being snarky sometimes can be good for you.

    1. It is good to have a release valve. And certainly, some people are deserving of snark.

      But in general I do better when I turn it down a notch or ten. ;)

    1. How callous of me…I hadn’t even considered the negative repercussions of abacus bashing. Or, ababashing, as it’s known in some communities.

  11. Ahhh, I think I’ve fallen into the snarkchasm.

    When I’m being sneaky, and trying to be quiet about it, I’m a tiger snark.

    When my kids do something stupid and get minor injuries, I’m a nurse snark.

    And when I’m PMS’ing, I’m a whale snark.

    But, when someone who really, really deserves it, has totally been a jerk, or been irretrievably stupid, I’m a bull snark with Great White Snark tendencies.

    And did you know that the teeth grow back? In rows, and rows, and rows… Concentric semi-circles of snark-teeth, going back generations.

  12. Found you in a round-about way, and so glad I did. There is nothing wrong with a good snark attack — it is cleansing…like a douche.

    (Yes, I’m going to leave you with that visual now~)

  13. Yikes! I would hate to be around when that gasket blows! I’m assuming your mailman doesn’t read your blog? ;)
    Thanks for posting about it…now we can all live vicarious snark lives.

  14. we could potentially be the same person. Our mailman is door-closer challenged too. It gets under my skin because our mailbox is across the street and I can watch the whole thing live. It’s all I can do from running down my driveway to…bite my tongue.

    well done using the WOW snark. I was also very snarky in HS. I’m actually surprised I have any friends on facebook from HS. Apparently, some appreciated the snark.

    …following you now.

    1. Well, as long as you haven’t actually tackled the mailman in a gravel driveway, all is well.

      And thank ye, kindly, ma’am! On all fronts!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s