The Project

Shrouded in secrecy.

Cloaked in mystery.

It requires a dumpster. A 20 X 17 foot drop box in fact.

I am not allowed to put toxins, biohazards or dirt in the dumpster.

City officials sure know how to take the fun out of a project.

The project requires some expertise in electricity and plumbing.

Child B will be helping because he is the oldest, and has now developed enough muscle power that he is truly helpful with such jobs.

Children A and C will be helping me make sandwiches.

Oh, and getting paint cans transported to said dumpster. They can do that.

The project may or may not fit the through the available access space.

This is mildly concerning.

It’s not like I can make doorways wider.

I know the technology exists to do that, but I have no plans to employ it at this time.

When we moved into our house, we discovered that the refrigerator didn’t fit through the doorways into the kitchen. The refrigerator had to  be wheeled around through the back yard and come in through the patio. It made me wonder if refrigerators were decidedly smaller in 1975 or if the people who built the house made the eensy doorways into the kitchen and thought, “Eh..screw it, the appliances can come in through the yard.”

Come to think of it, when we replaced the oven, it had to come in through the patio too.

And the oven had to fit into the original oven space, so I know it can’t be any bigger than the first one was.

So clearly, home builders from 1975 were laughing at us.

Our house has lots of little idiosyncracies like that.

The master shower does not have a temperature regulator on it.

So if you happen to be taking a shower, and anyone anywhere in the house turns on a tap, flushes a toilet or says any word with a vowel while facing northeast, the person in the shower gets scalded, frozen, and/or called a nasty name by the plumbing.

The dumpster arrives tomorrow morning.

The kids think they’ll all be hanging out thinking relaxing summer thoughts of Friday.

The kids are going to have some of their childhood innocence ripped away come Thursday night.

But we’re going to do it in a totally loving way.


  1. I think builders in 1982 were in on the same joke as the 1975 builders. We had to have our new couch come in through the back door…& had to take some furniture into the basement via the basement hatch/stairs/thingy. Are either of the 2 younger kids old enough to man the whip to keep the project moving forward?? Just thinking efficiency & maximum use of labor…

    1. Maybe people were smaller back then. I know *I* was smaller back then.

      And whip-manning…I like it! It says “We are dedicated to our timeline in a way that needs therapy!” and comes with great accessories.


    1. I think marketing a portable wormhole would be an excellent solution to this problem.

      No guarantees on where the furniture will end up though. MIGHT be in the living room. MIGHT be at a LaGrange point off Io somewhere.

      But that could be part of the fun.

  2. I love Dumpsters. They are akin to engagement rings, they hold so much promise. I truly envy homes with dumpsters in their driveways. I figure they have all the excitement of getting rid of the old and welcoming the new. Dumpster envy. I’m having it right now.

    1. It never occurred to me that I might inspire dumpster envy in my friends.

      I thought they’d all hate me for my stubbly, pale legs. They are the ENVY of the neighborhood. Let me tell you!

  3. You get to have a dumpster? Outside your house? Where you can, like, throw away stuff in it? Hmm…and your “secret project” must require an overhaul of some sort, given the big ass dumpster. Kitchen remodel???? Bathroom remodel? Total remodel? Whatever it is, I’m jealous. On account of there being a dumpster involved.

    1. More dumpster envy?

      Really people, we need higher standards!

      And I’m just not going to get to exploit the dumpster to its full advantage. It’s only going to be here a week. I’d need a month to do all the junk-clearing my heart truly desires.


  4. We redid our kitchen in 2002. We put in an island, once the frame of it was mounted, cemented & tiled into place someone thought to see if there was enough room available to move the fridge & stove out of their spaces & even out of the house without demolishing the island.

    Turns out there wasn’t.

    That was a fun couple of days while we all argued over who was at fault & who was paying for what.

    Now there is about 5 millimeters clearance for the stove & fridge should we ever need to replace them.

    1. I hate arguing about fault. Especially if there’s ANY CHANCE AT ALL that it could be mine.

      And 5 millimeters just ain’t a lot of room.

      Let’s hope for no tectonic shifting.

  5. My favorite blurb in the entire post?

    “…or says any word with a vowel while facing northeast, the person in the shower gets scalded, frozen, and/or called a nasty name by the plumbing.”

    LOVE IT!

    1. It’s true! My shower is totally irrational.

      And then I scream at people because I am too cold, or too hot. Or my feelings have been hurt.

  6. Definitely got some dumpster envy over here. although I’m not sure there’s a dumpster large enough to haul out the amount of outdated crap in this house. :)

    1. And I’m actually getting the SMALLEST. 20 x 17 is the SMALLEST.

      And I wish I had enough time to really, really get everything out of this dumpster that it has to offer.

      Sadly, just one week.

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