And I don’t mean to suggest that I lost them. It’s not like I took them to Sears and didn’t pay enough attention and they wandered off while I wasn’t looking to pig out on corn-dogs and Orange Juliuses at the food court.
They’re not lost.
I never got them.
I believe, and correct me if I’m wrong, but somewhere in some charter that I’m certain applies to me there’s a subclause that expressly states my right to minions, and furthermore I am equally certain that there is a sliding scale that calculates specifically how many minions I’m supposed to have based on the various factors in my life.
- Married: one minion, two if the spouse works in marketing or collects fishing lures.
- Children: 1.3 minions per child, amortized from birth to age 18, extended for children pursuing Ivy League educations or music/theater degrees
- House: one minion per 300 square feet of living space plus one minion per bathroom (half bath = half minion)
- Pets: .25 minions per fish/gerbil .5 minions per cat, .75 minions per dog. Snakes do not qualify for minions as they have been known to eat them
- Extended family: one minion per crazy in-law, one minion per drama-queen sister or aunt, two minions per drag-queen brother or uncle
- Job: 1 minion per 10/hours per week worked, 1 extra minion per 30 commuter miles, plus 1 bonus minion for work in the service industry
- PTA participation: .5 minions per committee, .5 minion bonus if committee is run by the OCD mom who waxes her driveway
Excellent, so that means I get…wait a second here….carry the two…divide by pi…add eleven…subtract one for tax purposes…1,423,917 Minions!
I may need to double check my math.
Because if minions need to eat, then I’m really almost as bad off as I am with three teenagers.
Once I find the minions I am clearly entitled to due to my amazing level of anxiety and stress, I will give them minionly tasks to do.
- Buff the cats
- Pave the rain gutters
- Yell at the catalogue people (who still aren’t listening)
- Harass famous bloggers who aren’t following me on Twitter
- Threaten humanity with the destructive weapon of my choosing
- Pay the bills that are beneath me to pay myself
- Clean the fixtures that are beneath me to clean my myself
- Fetch me some of those heeled slippers with the little pom-poms on top
- Fetch me martinis
- Fetch me mai-tais
- Fetch me a new liver
Yes, my life will be much grander, much less stressful, much more dedicated in its pursuit of Martha Points, and much more…well…overlord-ish once I have my duly assigned minions.
I just need a minion to go get them for me.