There be profanity here.

Let’s discuss.

I don’t swear on the blog.

This was a purposeful decision.

It had nothing to do with objecting to profanity. Because I don’t.

I’m a big fan of the stand-up of Robin Williams and Dennis Leary. These are not entertainers who would readily be featured on anything involving cartoon characters in primary colors. Some of my favorite bloggers sling obscenities  like hashbrowns, and it cracks me up. I myself have quite the four-letter-and-up word vocabulary.

But I opted to not use profanity in the blog. Why? Because my kids read it. And I am not idiot enough to think they haven’t heard it all, they’re teeangers for Pete’s sake (and who is this Pete and why does he keep stalking my idioms?). But the rule is: you can swear when you know when you can. And if you think “not in front of grown-ups” is knowing when, well back to “gosh” and “darn” you go. But another thing I want is for the kids to learn the full range of expression without dying it all blue first. So I decided that my writing here would be sans le petit profane.

Which sometimes just bloody ties my hands.

But I’m going to tell a wee story, and you will see why I can’t tell it without swearing.

The patio reno continues. The replacement siding is up. It took three different hardware stores and faking a high-rise-development contract before we found the right width. This morning, Himself measured, measured, measured, cut, pounded, spackled, filled, trimmed, caulked and sealed the wood off with an anti-fungal that smelled like the unholy love child of a skunk and your local friendly toxic waste dump.

So now I’m up with priming and painting.

The replacement siding is low against the house, nearly at ground level. This is awkward to paint. So I prepped all my tools –  the tray, the roller, paper towels, stir stick, sextant, fondue pot – and pulled up a rubbermaid stool and sat down.

And the stool fucking cracked.

Now, I know this plastic stool has been sitting outside for over a year, it’s dry and brittle, and whatnot. But cracked? Really? Really? You have to be fucking kidding me. (I couldn’t have that sort of build-up and only swear once.) If I was already feeling agitated for being heavier than I was a year ago, this had me just about ready to cry.

I would like to think that it’s the weight of my intellect that is causing furniture to crack underneath me, but truly it’s probably the extra fifteen pounds and the effects of sun and frost on plastic.

We now return you to to your regularly scheduled PG-13 blog.

51 comments

    1. I hope I have selected well and properly.

      And I hope I don’t get wacky obscenity obsessed web-traffic.

      Although I’m sure it would be entertaining. ;)

  1. I’m like you about keeping thngs “clean”, but when it comes to weighty matters, then duck and cover because I will make a sailor blush!

  2. I would humbly submit that it’s the weight of all your fans following your every move, as you fulfill your responsibilities as the reigning queen of Martha Points! Tell them to back up a stitch, and give you room for your fabulousness. ;)

    When my kids were little, and starting to “test” the swear word waters, I told them that if they really wanted to, to take their happy little sailor selves to their rooms, get in front of the mirror, and swear yourselves blue in the face. But if you say it in public, you’re gonna hurt someone’s feelings, because swearing is rude.

    I never really had a problem with it after that. And yes, when they’re old enough to “handle” the words, well, not much I can do to stop them, except give them THE LOOK. Actually, that’s pretty effective.

    1. “Room for my fabulousness!”

      I love that!

      And you’re right – there’s nothing like THE LOOK.

      I remember seeing it on my mom, I don’t actually remember when I got it.

      Maybe it magically manifested during labor. If anything would do it, that would.

    1. Ok, I like that answer too.

      I was carrying all those points around like a yolk on my shoulders, and the plastic just plumb couldn’t keep up.

      Yes, we can go with that one too!

  3. Profanity was definitely required in that situation.

    When I was nearly 9 months pregnant with my first child, I was visiting with my in-laws and I walked out onto their back deck and sat down. And guess what, the whole deck sunk. It didn’t break, but the support beams underneath the deck shifted and the whole deck sunk about a foot. I’ve never ever lived it down. I think that requires some swearing as well.

    1. A deck?? Oh my stars…did you cry? I would have cried.

      I would have laughed in front of my family, then I would have cried when I got to the bathroom.

      I only broke a stool. I clearly was not trying hard enough.

  4. You absolutely had to. You couldn’t not do it. The story just wouldn’t have been truthful.

    PS Pete made appearance on my turf today, too. He’s really persistent.

  5. I think your children will approve of the blue words in here. Really, it’s the only way you could tell the story — you are correct.

    And, I love love love “the weight of my intellect” as a reason for the structural failure. Genius.

    Have a happy Monday–
    :)

    1. I think they’re generally immune. They’re older now, so Himself and I have relaxed our own use of the Blue Lingo.

      And I’m sticking with weighty intellect. And frost. And sun. And people other than me stressing the plastic first.

  6. I just had to add this…
    My YoungerDaughter has a theory that swearing is bad for your colon. I told her to prove it. (she is the one who is called “the innocent one” by her friends.

    Has no desire to swear, and thinks the birds and bees can go fly the coop. I’m not sure if this is a good sign, and she’s my favorite, or if this is a bad sign, and she’ll be living with us till she’s 40. *sigh*

    1. I’m going to go with a good sign and not living with you till she’s 40.

      My youngest is pretty anti-profanity too.

      Then again, he also can’t handle when I say liver or spleen.

      I thought boys were supposed to be all about the gross?

  7. This was absolutely appropriate use of the f-bomb. Profanity is required for this situation.

    I also don’t swear much in my blog. I do, but where I do? Is purposefully chosen. For a number of reasons. But when I use it, I have deliberately chosen to, despite other “non-offensive” words I *could* use.

    Also, I do hope that the cracking of the previously compromised stool did not lead to any unfortunate ass-pinching. Not that this type of thing has ever happened to me. No really…

  8. Yeah, came from a home where swearing was worse than fornicatin…(not really) but you get my drift. It was totally unfair though, as my dad came to Canada when he was 12 and when he let it fly it was always in dutch. We heard a lot of hut fa dumma’s and what not. So he was safe. You should have heard the language when we had the slate painted turquoise blue last week. It wasn’t pretty. Both The Agronomist and I. The girl’s understood though. The situation demanded it.
    The stool was obviously tampered with.
    Dana

    1. I didn’t even think about swearing in a foreign language. Imagine the possibilities!

      And…did I miss the part with slate painted turquoise?? I didn’t think I’d missed any…will have to go back and search now. And yes, I think a number of colorful words would be HUGELY appropriate then.

      Oh dear.

  9. Sometimes I like to entertain the idea that if you don’t blog about something, it never really happened. Sadly, you blogged about this, so it happened.

    If the inverse is true, tomorrow you should blog about the modeling contract you got. Or the million dollars you sent me.

    Heh.

    Also, I admire your use of the F-bomb. There are absolutely times when it is necessary. And 89% of those times involve breaking furniture. I tried to figure out the other 11%, but it was too hard to do the math. Thus, I submit that 89% of the time, the F-word is appropriate during furniture breaking, the other 11% is while trying to figure out percentages..

    1. Million dollars I sent you?? What about a million dollars for me?? I mean, I’d give you a cut for the idea and all…

      And I think lots of four-letter-words are appropriate with the doing of math.

      I mean…it’s MATH.

  10. I am a big fan of swearing in my blog!

    But even if I was not? This story clearly called for curse words. Even though, obviously, the stool is defective. And weatherworn. And child stomped. And husband climbed upon.

    Not your fault.

    1. Well, yes, you fall under the “favorite bloggers who crack me up” category.

      I love how you use language. Four letter and otherwise.

      And yes. There was clearly sabotage.

      I’m putting up closed-circuit cameras in the yard now.

      It could be the skunks, too.

    1. If you swear sitting by yourself on a patio on a stool you just broke and there’s nobody there to hear you swear a blue streak, can it make a decent blog entry?

      Apparently, yes it can. :)

  11. The best thing about speaking 3 languages is I can manage to say profanities in at least one of them without anyone understanding. Sometimes it is the only way to vent!

    1. Ok, now that’s just not fair!

      I can stumble through asking directions in Spanish and French, but I don’t know any of the FUN words!!

      That’s cheating! ;)

    1. Too much coincidence to not get you over to read, no?

      And I PROMISE I will only ever do that for something hugely relevant. Or hysterical. Or that has good stuff for free. Or George Clooney.

  12. I have been turning a bit PG-13 lately too. My natural tendency is to be more R and I can assure you that my thoughts and words while driving sans kiddo are decidedly NC-17, if not X. BUT, too many f-words spoil it when you just really, really need to use ’em every once in a while.
    -Mary

    1. I have at time been far more blue than I am now, and it’s probably the kids’ influence.

      But you’re right – parsing them out like that makes the impact, when you choose to use them, REALLY darn strong.

  13. Dennis Leary is hilarious when doing stand up!

    The F bomb was necessary and required. I would’ve done the same. I almost replied “That f*cking sucks”, but didn’t want to offend anybody ;)

    1. Saw him live once, it was BRILLIANT!

      He even sang “I’m an Asshole.” And of course the entire audience knew the words.

      And I think on this post, all bets are off. Spice it up, baby! ;)

  14. OMIGOD I sat on the arm and broke my mom’s couch the day you put this post up. When it happened I turned to my stepdad and said “Well that’ll make ya feel like a fat@$$…” He laughed. I did my embarrassed giggle.

    I’m feelin ya.

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