No Opposable Thumbs!

This…

THIS…

THIS is why I need a door on my bathroom.

PS – There actually IS a door, it’s just that the evil cat can open it.

PPS – It’s an accordion door, he can’t as yet turn doorknobs.

PPPS – Which is why I need a door that has actual doorknobs.

PPPPS – I have opposable thumbs, so I can open a door into the bathroom in order to shower in peace.

PPPPPS – Yes, I am in the shower, that’s how I got the picture.

PPPPPPS – NO, the water is not running, I am not that stupid.

PPPPPPPS – And also, I do not know how to use a flash properly. Attempts at flash resulted in ghost-kitty photos.

PPPPPPPPS – I already  have a demon possessed cat, I don’t need ghosts to round out my supernatural experience, thank you very much.

PPPPPPPPPS – Unless you’re a house-elf, in which case I have a pillowcase with your name on it.

PPPPPPPPPPS – No, not really, I don’t actually know any house-elves on a first name basis.

PPPPPPPPPPPS – But if you are a house-elf, or you know a house-elf that you feel good recommending, I’d be happy to embroider his or her name on a pillowcase.

PPPPPPPPPPPPS – And by “embroider his or her name on a pillowcase” I totally mean write it on there with a sharpie marker.*

*And also, I stole the PS thing from Loralee. And if she asks me to, I will pay her a diet-coke royalty.

44 comments

  1. Is he giving you the evil stare of death? Our cat used to pester us in the bath by walking around the edge. She fell in once and that was the end of that.
    And dibs on the house elf, I will fight you. I will embroider with fancy french knots and knit beloved beenie hats and socks for it. We will live in knitted harmony!

    1. No, he wants me to hold up a handful of water so he can drink.

      If I don’t do that, he will lick my wet hair.

      Until I spray him with the shower head.

  2. Cats are ridiculous. And they get even more ridiculous as they turn into old, crotchety men…I mean cats. And when they decide it is their job to let you know that the baby is crying. Since the crying itself isn’t a clue.

    1. LOL!! “men…I mean cats…”

      Do you respond to said announcements with, “Very good! You guessed it in one! Now work on your homing skills and see if you can find the source.”

  3. My husband and I passed a cat on our walk last night. I told him that it just looked pissed at the world. I’m sure she was a very loving cat, but what’s with the attitude?

    Our old cat loved our bathtub, too. She would go there to escape our black lab.

    1. Our cats are actually bizarrely affectionate and loving, and yet evil.

      Did I mention there’s a clawmark in the finish of my car?

      Yep. There is.

  4. Ugh, tell me about it. My bathroom door works just fine, but the litterbox is in there. I don’t close my door because I don’t want one of my cats to need an emergency box break and go on the carpet.
    So, I have this new kitten, Jack. He loves to run, jump up, and sit on my lap while I am using the restroom. The other day, he misjudged this jump. He landed on my legs and lost his footing. I swear, I thought he ripped my whoo-ha off/out/up/whatever.

    1. ACK!!

      That…that’s dangerous!

      When Topaz was a kitten, she’d often bound up the toilet onto the counter. Which made her think that the toilet was really just a stool.

      And then one day, the lid was left up….

      She wasn’t a happy kitty camper.

  5. Your cat scares me.

    My husband wants to get little CEO a cat. But I have enough people staring at me when I’m in the shower. I don’t need a cat.

    1. What’s most annoying is not just that he’s there, but that he needs to get UP ON THE TRACK so that he’s higher than me.

      Then he bats my hair and pushes the shower head away from me.

      He’s lucky he’s not a carpet or a centerpiece, really.

  6. Our cats actually figured out how to turn the knobs on the doors a couple of times.

    They also attacked each other frequently and Alex once, so they found a new home. But I should have known I was in for it when they started opening the doors.

    1. Knobs?? ACK!

      Nimbus has not figured out knobs, although he’s tried.

      He can also totally open the pocket doors into the kitchen.

      So my doors have chunks ripped out of them.

      Happy happy joy joy.

  7. My cats CONSTANTLY push open the bathroom door to join me while I do my business.

    I am not one who has historically needed much alone time while making #1 [or even #2, if I’m drunk], but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I go to the bathroom, they’re in there. Like I’m expelling catnip from my nether regions.

    Damn cats.

    1. My biggest worry is that he is going to fall on me.

      When he falls, much of him is pointy.

      And I am all naked and vulnerable in the shower.

      I have occasionally sprayed him with the shower head.

      You know, for his own good.

    1. Cats get very uppity when disturbed.

      Nimbus needs to lay between me and himself when we’re watching tv.

      If one of us moves, he files an injunction.

      PS – Every time I see your name it makes me want fruit jello.

    1. It’s the foldy kind that bends in half to open instead of swinging to open.

      And Nimbus learned at an annoying young kitten age *exactly* where to push to leverage it open.

      He can also open the pocket doors in the kitchen.

      And the cabinets.

  8. That’s a lot of PS’s!

    We can’t have a cat because hubby is “allergic”. And yes, everytime I say “allergic” I always make the quote signs with my fingers. Tater and I would love to have a cat, but we can’t because hubby’s “allergic”.

    But now that I’ve seen your cat, I’m kinda scared.

    1. He is a monster-love.

      He is the most affectionate cat I’ve ever known.

      And simultaneously, the most infuriating.

      Perhaps you cannot have one without having the other?

  9. This is hilarious. And the pics are just nutso. Yet another reason to GET A DOG.

    Cats kinda freak me out. I can’t believe that cats actually want to come in the bathroom. I mean, does devil cat try to watch you shower? ‘Cause that’s just freaky.

    Never trust an animal that’s self-cleaning, I always say.

    1. He watches me shower because he’s hoping he can get a drink.

      My cats do not drink from bowls.

      Bowls of water are toys.

      They drink from showers and faucets.

      Which we turn on for them, because we are well trained.

      Then they drink with their heads upside down and cough.

      Because, really, they’re not as bright as they think they are.

  10. My sister-inlaw’s cats used to freak me out like this. It was especially troubling when they would follow me to the bathroom in the middle on the night and sit on the toilet tank while I used the facilities.

    The most insane was when they got mad at my husband and I for closing them out of what we thought was the guest room, but apparently they thought was their room. They spent 10 minutes hurling their bodies against the door! I thought we might be in the beginnings of one of those comedy/horror films!

  11. I like the ps thing. I might steal it myself.

    That cat has a look of deep determination on his face. I think he would find a way to open a door even if it had a knob.

  12. Teva jumps from the window in my bathroom to the top of the shower stall and watches (and probably judges) me every. single. day. When my catsitter stayed at my house for the first time, I had to warn him that she’ll watch him bathe.

    He didn’t believe me.

    He does now.

  13. Ah, so mine isn’t the only cat with a “watch my owner bathe” perversion then??

    Cus the fact that he will stick his ENTIRE cat arm into the bath tb just to chase toes really kinda freaks me out.

    Not sure about house elves.

    Do they clean out vegetable drawres?

  14. Love this post!
    But wanted to let you know that my dog (without opposable thumbs) opens the front door to let himself out.
    Problem is, he can’t figure out how to get it open from the outside… sucks at 1am when he can’t get back in from a visit to the bushes.
    Or when I came home from vacation and found he had let himself out and the front door standing wide open for 16 hours… good thing no thieves were canvassing my street that day!
    Oh, in case you’re wondering… he uses his teeth… did I mention he’s a BIG dog?

  15. Stupid cat. That’s what I say to ours. One of our cats opens the closet door in the hall on the main floor. It has scared me a time or two when I’ve been home alone and suddenly hear a door opening. At which point, declaring “stupid cat” seems totally appropriate.

  16. I love cats and have had them all my life but I hate it when they sneak up on me and if my cat jumped on top of the shower while I was in it, it would scare the bageebies out of me. ps: I don’t know how to spell bageebies.

    1. LOL..I declare your spelling of bageebies to be the only acceptable spelling from now till forevermore.

      Fortunately I’m now tuned into him and hear him coming. So, no startles.

      The FIRST time, though…

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