First things First. Project: Purse and Boots is going to be renamed Project: Break Lori’s Heart. And I mean in the good way. The enthusiasm, creativity and universal support has made me cry in all sorts of wonderful ways. In case anyone was NOT on Twitter over the weekend where I was chirping like a canary on a hot tin perch, Poppy hijacked a reporter from the Vancouver Voice who wrote an article about Poppy’s night out and the project. You absolutely must go to PPNB when you are done here and read the juicy scandalous version of events.
But over here at Chez Lori, where I do NOT have a sequined bag to take out on the town, Home Things happened.
Yes, Home Things. Remember that big project with the hot tub and the dumpster? Well, there’s that big shell of a vacant space now to be dealt with.
I hate dealing with things. I much prefer when other people deal with things. Dealing with things requires mental energy and discipline. I’d much rather keep an eye on things. When keeping an eye on things you can eat chocolate or read design magazines. Dealing with things is easy to confuse with work. Work and dealing with things are closely related I think. Inbred cousins, perhaps.
So one of the things to be dealt with were these worn, weathered chairs.
Now these are in fact, extra chairs. Once upon a time they went with a patio table set, but they were too large and too awkward and you know what isn’t conducive to eating a nice, leisurely meal on your patio? Getting trapped in your chair because you’ve been wedged between the patio table and the rear wall of the house and needing to plead with your laughing teenagers to lift the table away so you can be freed before the evening mosquitos reduce you to a pulp in a fleece hoodie.
Not that that has ever happened.
Let’s just go with that, okay?
So I decided that they would be perfectly fine extra chairs if we did something to them. Like send them to finishing school or make them take polo lessons.
We decided to paint them instead.
Because we are about as bright as dryer lint.
I happened to have some green leftover from the front door, and we chose a jaunty sky blue to go with the green.
Doesn’t that sound lovely?
Yes yes. You’re neck and neck with a brine shrimp there, baby. You were supposed to say, “No, Lori! Run! Run from painting the chairs! My God, don’t you know what you’re getting yourself into? SAVE YOURSELF!”
But you were also supposed to say that two weeks ago when I started.
Yes, I started two weeks ago. Stop judging me.
So. Let’s begin here.
Now look at the chairs. Look at all those slats. Slats on the seat. Slats on on the backrest. Imagine how much leaning has to be done to reach all those surfaces.
And now we have this:
But, carry on we must. Because we’ve started now and stopping will just look stupid.
Now, those chairs have lots of nooks and crannies where the various pieces come together, and they’re a little difficult to see if you don’t shift your body just so…
And then we have this:
But, we’re halfway there, so we just keep at it, and then we think about all the under spaces and we decide to turn just a little bit in order to reach them…
And now we’re here:
Ok, just turned the damned chairs over now so we can reach the underside and start painting there, being careful to not let too much paint drip down, because down is now the top of chair and drips will be really obvious, not to mention confusing to people who will wonder if gravity just doesn’t work at your house. And given where certain anatomy is on my body now compared with where it used to be, I would kill for that to be true.
But back to our Painting Epoch. I mean, Epic.
So now that the chair is upside down, we can see all the surfaces that were invisible and &*#@ there is a lot of unpainted geography! Ok, don’t lose heart, just dig deep…deeper…we can do it. Now lean over the legs so we can reach that last little bit…and….
There may be toxicity issues.
But after all that, now the chairs look like this:
So, about those points:
My current score is +29 Martha Points.
For painting four of the meanest, nastiest, squirmiest, most awkward patio chairs in the history of butts: +15 Martha Points.
But with a 1 Point deduction for every place that got paint on it that was not supposed to get paint on it, I now stand at: -18 Points.
Did I mention that all this work on the patio is in anticipation of Himself’s 50th Birthday? No?
So no fretting. I’ll earn them back with the party.
Now go read Poppy and the Paparazzi.