How many points for that?

So you’ve finished hand-stamping your Christmas tags, have you?

Or you’ve discovered yogurt in the back of the refrigerator from when 21 Jump Street was still on the air.

Perhaps you’ve made a piñata in the shape of the Wicked Witch of the West for Halloween?

Or maybe you’re telling everyone that the blotch in the carpet is a family Rorschach test.

And you’ve been wondering…how many points would that get me/cost me?

I get these questions a lot. Not kidding. I feel like the domestic goddess version of the “Antique Road Show.”

Go ahead. Ask.

It’s “Ask Not-Martha!” on IPoMP.

Leave your burning points questions in the comments, or tweet them to me at @marthapoints.

Answers this week. On a blog near you.


  1. Dear Ms. Points,
    Mother Hen here.
    As a domestic fowl, Mother H. spends an inordinate amount of time pondering these domestic matters. How fortunate that your blog is here to answer all her burning questions!

    How many Martha Points can a chicken hog/kiss good-bye (that is, if a chicken had lips) by:
    – not waking Father Hen in time to crow at sunrise? (What, you thought it came naturally or something?)
    – letting her nest go cold while gossiping with the house cats about Farmer Brown’s shortcomings?
    – whitewashing the coop? (Don’t ask where she got the whitewash from!)
    – teaching her chicks how to scratch out a living?
    – laying green eggs to go with Farmer Brown’s ham every time a pig goes missing?
    – being the only typing chicken on Twitter?
    – shamelessly self-promoting on your blog?

    Desperately Seeking Martha,
    Mother Hen

    1. Sidenote: I heart 21 Jump Street. You can watch it on Hulu.

      How many points do I lose for forgetting to pick up my DD at preschool today? Again (eek!). It’s only her 4th day of school, and I’m already only at a 50% success rate in this department. :(

  2. Exactly how many points are deducted for telling one’s husband to make his own mother effing pizza because one is too busy shaving her legs so that they can make a baby?

    I believe that he can have one or the other but not both. Dinner or smooth legs. Either way I’m getting a damn baby.

    What are the official rules on this?

  3. Carter left half a cup of strawberry milk on the coffee table, so obviously that’s a deduction because I SAW it there, but neither rinsed the cup nor told the boy to do so.

    BUT that milk attracted and subsequently drowned all the flies in the house, so that’s a wash, right?

  4. Oh, also? Can I get Martha points for being a Very Nice Person? Brian used one of our good hand towels to scrub dried poop smears (don’t ask) off the living room floor and I didn’t screech at him one little bit.

    Probably lots of points for screech-restraint, right?

  5. How many points for actually washing my sheets once a week instead of….whenever I remember?

    How many points for not letting my husband eat in bed? How many points for not actually eating in bed myself?

  6. How many points do I get for cutting Boo’s sandwich into his name before putting it in his lunch?

    How about for getting the dishes washed before they unionize and join up with the small appliances?

    Do I get points if I can find the surface of my dining table?

  7. How many points do I get for working three jobs, having no social life, two cats, and completion of daily crosswords all at the tender age of 23? I need some sort of justification here. I keep telling myself I’m not an crazy old cat lady yet, I’m not an crazy old cat lady yet, I’m not an crazy old cat lady yet…

  8. Dear Not-Martha
    I do a lot of cooking and baking. A LOT. It makes a big mess in my kitchen. A mess in my whole house if you must know the truth. The cooking and baking provides my family with homemade healthy goodness to eat. I do my best to clean up but I’m only one person. The mess has a mind of it’s own.
    Where do I stand on point with this? Am I ahead because I’m providing quality food for my family or behind because my kitchen is nearly buried in dirty dishes?
    Your truly
    Notsocleanton in Burlington.

  9. How many points to I lose for blogging instead of cleaning the house? For drinking wine instead of cleaning? (NOTE: for the wine one I don’t think I should lose any. Just sayin’)

    How many points do I lose for washing, drying, and folding the laundry, but leaving it sitting on the dryer instead of putting it away?

  10. How Many points to I lose for cooking dinner, burning it beyond edibility, starting a whole new meal and burning that meal as well?

    How many points do I get for having my house completely (spotless) clean only 2 hours after the 3 yr olds party ended??

  11. Do I loose points because my seven years old informed me this week that I don’t fold clothes properly and then proceeded to fold and put away all the laundry? OR, do I gain points for that, because, seriously my kid is awesome!?

    How many points do I get/loose for not allowing my family members to use my IPoMP mug with threats of beatings?

  12. How many points do I get for sucking nearly a quarter of a cup of snot out of my 10-month-old’s nose with the nasal asperator?

    How many do I lose for having to sit on him and completely pin him to accomplish that?

  13. Ha! This is definitely a keeper – this asking thing.

    For the record, there’s been no stink, but there’s been a bit of pit scratching. But no pit scratching in public. I’ll take a small reduction in points for that, but an addition of points for admitting it.

    Thank you.

    1. It’s an ongoing feature, darlin’, I’m running another one tomorrow.

      Leave a comment for me on that one, I’ll work it in eventually.

      I am SUCH a benefit to humanity! How do I even live with me??

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