The Return of the Zombie Lightbulbs

Think back…waaaaayyyy back. Back to…ummm…lemme just check my calendar here…APRIL. Think ALL the way back to April. If you can remember back that far (and truly, I can’t remember how many bedrooms my house has from one day to the next), you might recall a little run-in I had with a Zombie Lightbulb.

I thought I’d taken care of that little problem. I thought I’d burned…er..decapitated…um…shot with a silver bullet…What the hell is it you’re supposed to do with zombies? I am failing Zombie Apocalypse 101!

I believe this is why I have this little infestation.

So back in April I had a zombie lightbulb. But, I thought the situation had stabilized.

I was so wrong.

And the worst part?

They’re after the children!

Here’s the FIRST sighting. You’ll note that it’s the same fixture that had the zombie scourge before. (Right. Of course you will. I’m impressed if you remember that my name isn’t Martha. Don’t worry about remembering – or not remembering – the last zombie swarm.)

Now, you might be tempted to think that that’s nothing more sinister than a burned out lightbulb. That’s the sort of thinking that gets you axed in the opening credits of the movie, PEOPLE!

No! Do NOT fall for it. Zombie lightbulbs are organized, they’re crafty, and they’re after your brains! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

After taking this photo, I was planning on setting up a duck blind in the bedroom so I could monitor the macabre metamorphosis from dead to undead tungsten filament.

But that’s when my son, my youngest, my baby (who, by the way, is now taller than me) meandered into the bedroom, ignored the ropes, cans of gasoline and the sawed off shotgun and announced that he needed a new lightbulb for the overhead pendant in his bedroom.

This was the situation in his room:

Yes, okay, I can get behind the need for a new lightbulb here. After all, the boy has homework to do, and with the teenaged-boy-unwashed laundry, you really don’t want open flame anywhere near the place. The fumes alone could blow a city block sky-high.

So I went to the hall closet and rummaged through the lightbulb box, trying to figure out which bizarrely sized bulb I needed to put in his Ikea paper hanging fixture. That’s when the boy called out, “Never mind, Mom, it’s  back on!”

My blood ran cold.

I ran to the room, and yes…my boy has a keen eye for undead illumination. This was the sight that greeted me:

Convinced, then, that I had a nest of them in the house, I ran back to my bedroom, camera in hand, determined to capture The Rise on film.

This was what I found:

Damn, too soon.

I waited, snapping pictures from the far side of the bathroom doorway.

Don’t hassle me about the angle, people, I was taking my life in my hands for the sake of photographic evidence!

Nada. (This is a defensive measure, zombie lightbulbs HATE the use of casual Spanish.)

The pack…herd…bevy…pride…band…troup…colony…flock….clowder…what the hell is the collective noun for zombies?

Oh, thank you Google. According to Answers.com:

Very good then. This…wait a minute… “Appetite?” Really? An appetite of zombies? Oh, I don’t think so.

Ok, this plague of zombies is wily. They knew I was watching. So I did what any diligent, determined, zombie fighting Martha Points mom would do: I hid in the closet with my camera.

Sadly, I never caught anything more interesting than this:

(And managing exposure while inside a closet is a bitch, let me tell you.)

So I have to confess to failure in catching the Zombie Metamorphosis in action.

But I know that lightbulb is just sitting there in the bathroom….waiting…

And with my luck I’ll probably be naked and wet when it finally happens. Cause there ain’t NOTHING like dealing with an aggressive, hungry zombie lightbulb when you’re naked and wet.

Cause undead electricity and sopping wet suburban working mom is a party in a box, let me tell you.

33 comments

  1. It’s funny but I always thought a mob of zombies was called a zombino of zombies.

    Also, I’m think you, me and Alex at Late Enough need to get together to right The Zombie Apocalypse 101.

    Sure, there are similar books out there but they are for jokes and not for real education.

      1. Yeah.. that’s irony there – an appetite of zombies who have an appetite for blood and “braaaaaiiiins”

        Sorry, I just had to!

        M
        ps:”Cause undead electricity and sopping wet suburban working mom is a party in a box, let me tell you.” I love it – I just love it. It gets funnier each time I read it! BWAHAHA

  2. Of *course* you will be naked and wet! That’s how you know there’s a zombie apocalypse. A naked chick takes a shower & then gets offed by whatever creepy thing is offing people (in this case, zombie light bulbs).

    I have a zombie fluorescent bulb in my basement….and I also shower in the basement….uh oh…. O.O

    1. Ok, one piece of advice: AVOID THE BASEMENT LIKE THE PLAGUE.

      In this case, a plague of zombies.

      If it means you never shower again, well then, oh well!

      Buy perfume.

    1. YES! They totally do that!

      I think I have the weirdest magnetic field ever.

      Once, on a drive from San Francisco to Santa Cruz (about 60 miles, I think) my friend counted.

      FIVE lights went out over my head.

      I do NOT think that’s coincidence.

      1. OHMYGAWD! You too!! I used to think very paranoid thoughts about that! It’s just too weird – I drive under and the lights go out only to come back on a minute later…

        Very odd!

        M

  3. Liz made me laugh! I appreciate you took your life into your own hands just to snap the pictures.

    But what’s most intriguing to me about this post is that you actually got on the internet to find out what a pack of zombies was called!

    1. I KNOW!

      Is that not the craziest thing? I mean honest to god, are we talking zombies or a restaurant that has a sommelier with an attitude the size of my not-so-small tuckus?

      An appetite.

      Someone in the brain-eating-industry has a warped sense of humor.

  4. So have you seen “Zombieland”? I cannot recommend it because it SOOO gruesome, but if it weren’t, I would recommend because you would laugh your A off. The rules of surviving in Zombieland are hysterical.

    Also, I had to ask the hubs about your zombie lights– now he is playing a first-person-shooter right now and so I don’t have his full attention, but since he is an electrical engineer who actually truly really does work with electrical (and not “electrical”, as in computers or software), he says that might be a circuit issue.

    But again, he is currently on his computer shooting the heads off of zombies. I kidd not.

  5. The thought of you hiding in your closet to take pictures of light fixtures is both hilarious and disconcerting.

    Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the IPoMP household.

    Better than Jersey Shore.

    1. You are forgive for all laptop snafus.

      I do that on twitter routinely.

      I have Twitter Tourrettes.

      And I have, somehow, remained one step ahead of the lightbulbs.

      But it’s hard work.

      Please send chocolate.

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