Doing it wrong in the bedroom.

Have you ever read those articles about how to get a good night’s sleep? All the strategies and things you should and shouldn’t do?

I believe the top 3 are:

1. No tv.

2. No computer.

3. Lots of dark.

Let’s see how many of those rules Himself and I can break. I’m feeling pretty optimistic, aren’t you?

So, let’s see…TV? Yep. 29″ flatscreen. CHECK!

Computer? iMac and all home office accessories. CHECK!

Dark. How are we doing on dark.

Well first, there’s our clock. We try to make sure that emergency aircraft can navigate at night by our timepieces.

We also have the router, which is actively pursuing species reassignment because it thinks it’s a Christmas tree mistakenly  born into the body of a media device.

There’s an office phone on my desk, and about two months ago it started blinking. And we can’t figure out how to make it stop.

A couple months ago in a fit of cell-signal rage we purchased a mini-tower so our phones could serve some purpose other than phone-shaped paperweights. Where does this perkily blinking thing live? The bedroom.

And of course we can’t forget that lovely staple of household entertainment, the satellite receiver. In a normal house, this would live in a living or family room. Because our house was apparently wired for media devices with used dental floss, ours has to live in the bedroom.

Then there are various iPods, phones, cd-players, printers, laptops, and disgruntled Vegas lightbulbs that at various times in the middle of the night turn themselves on, or off, or decide to blink “EAT AT JOE’S” in morse code to low-orbiting space ships.

Which may contribute to the occasional bouts of insomnia I suffer from.

And despite the fact that this dramatic episode is happening in the bedroom, that word just doesn’t mean what you think it might mean.

46 comments

  1. hhmmmm… well, let me say that I have no tv, no computer and lots of dark in my bedroom. I even have my alarm clock turned so it is facing away from me so it’s light can’t disturb me. Sometimes I have an unlit soothing noise machine but that’s it

    Does no good whatsoever.

    I am now considered a professional insomniac by my friends, having been unable to fall asleep without prescription meds 95% of the time since 2002.

    1. Ugh…am very sorry to hear that!

      I’m afraid to take things. 1.They make me way woozy, and 2. I’m worried I’ll permanently forget how to fall asleep without them.

  2. Yep…we have all those things in our bedroom plus a scared-of-the-dark 34 year-old who demands a very bright night light to be located right outside the “must be open” bedroom door. And it ain’t easy sleeping when one must have an eye open at all times so as not to be vulnerable to the sudden emergence of the “Boogey Man” or “Freaky Space Alien.” Yep. I’m a piece of work. :)
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

  3. I have to admit, I had completely different expectations as to the content of this post. Was I disappointed… maybe, until I started reading and admiring your graphic art abilities. A woman of so many talents. It amazes me on a daily basis.
    Dana

  4. Really? This isn’t a how-to about getting laid?

    How many Martha Points is it if you have no blinds to your bedroom and a willingness to put on a “doing it wrong in the bedroom” show for the neighbors? Not that I have, but I would consider it if it would put me on the plus side for Martha Points…

    1. I suppose it really depends on how wrong you’re willing to go for the sake of entertainment.

      I mean, different people have different thresholds for these things.

  5. Funny! I have no TV and no computer. But it’s definitely not dark enough. I’ve been seeing those old style roller shades on design blogs, and the thought is percolating. Don’t tell the husband/tight wad!

    1. Tell him that your well-rested self will be far more effective in other areas of your life together.

      Cause there are kinds of wrong in the bedroom that you don’t want to experience.

  6. I totally love that you notice these things around your room and come up with a visual “story” to tell. You’re so cool like that.

  7. Maybe it is time to switch rooms with one of the kids. Tell them that they get the big room, but have to keep the alien signalling devices turned on.

    They’re too young to really need sleep, right?

  8. That looks not unlike my bedroom, but I don’t think I saw you mention the alarm panel, the thermostat or the centrally-wired audio panel.

    I finally had to put bandaids over the worse offender, the alarm panel, because it lit the room up so well you could perform surgery. Let me repeat: bandaids. I was so desperate one night that I went rooting thru the medicine cabinet and could only come up with those small round bandaids that an old lady might use for corns, but we use as decorative accessories (and be “we” I mean the under 10 set).

    It’s darker, for sure. But now I can’t see the warning lights when someone (read: the under 10 set) is lurking in the hallways, unauthorized.

    Sleep is underrated.

    1. Cracking up over bandaids.

      Seriously.

      I was thinking electricians tape. Bandaids are SO much easier.

      I think I even have Snoopy around here somewhere.

  9. Omg. Your pictures are freakin fantastic. And I’m commenting from my bed. So we have two iPhones but my alarm clock migrated to the sunroom. So I think that we’re doing pretty good actually.

    1. You have a migratory alarm clock?

      How cool is that? I want one. Specifically, I want one that migrates several timezones over so that 6:30 can happen a lot damn later in the day.

  10. +10 Martha Points for the graphics! (I know, it’s not my job to hand those out. Whatever)

    Mmmkay. So how come you didn’t wake me up when you snuck into my bedroom so we could go gallivant around the neighborhood and paint the town red? I am 12 shades of disappointed that you were in my BEDROOM and I didn’t even get to hang out with you. Next time, let me know you’re coming!

    I’ll even make a cake. Or something…

    1. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the baby monitor that lives by my head which is constantly lit up with the little red LED lights because she has a sound machine in her room. It actually makes for a nice whore house ambiance.

  11. I can so relate to this. We have a PS3 charging station in our room, and when you plug the controller into it, it blinks annoyingly while it’s charging. The whole thing is eerily similar to a disgruntled Vegas lightbulb.

    1. I forgot to mention the worst one, which is that sometimes my Mac wakes up in the middle of the night. I have a 19 inch monitor. When it decide to light up, it SOOOO lights up.

      It will wake me up when it does that. Which is frankly, damned annoying.

    1. Oh I would go friggin’ nuts…my computer deciding to un-sleep itself wakes me up.

      Punishment…punishment…I think oven-cleaning would be good. Or tile-regrouting.

      OR…installing a moisture barrier in the crawl-space under the house. THAT’S a good one.

  12. I have a fax/copy machine by my head which is awesome on the days it decides to go through spontaneous maintenance in the middle of the night. Awesome I say. Love your graphics btw!

    1. My printer/fax does that too.

      WHY?? For the love of god, WHY do you need to reset the ink cartridges at 3 in the morning? When have I EVER asked you to do anything then???

      This is why I should be in charge.

  13. Too funny! We have hardly anything in our bedroom…but when we were first married, hubs worked from home and his desk was right.next.to.the.bed. Blinking lights, fax machine, answering machine (yeah, it was that long ago). Then we added the baby, which comes with the baby monitor and I was going out of my mind!

    I was afraid you would list alcohol….I hate when my wine winds up on the “why you aren’t sleeping well” list! Stupid lists…

    1. I have chosen a deep denial about the wine thing. I’m SURE they’re wrong. Absolutely sure.

      Positive.

      But it may explain my midnight tweeting.

  14. Cracking me up! Our smoke detector has a small but mighty green light on it… shining down as if it’s an alien space ship sucking something up through it’s green rays.

    1. Oooh…smoke detectors are particularly nasty because just when you least expect it…. PING!……..PING!……PING!

      Because the batteries in them ONLY go dead in the middle of the night.

      It’s a law, apparently.

  15. Have I told you lately how much I love it when you get all artistic here on the blog?

    Yes, we have this problem too.

    My alarm clock display? Is for everyone circling the earth from space.

    my husband begs me to put a sock over it. but i don’t because then? I don’t know what the hell time it is. duh.

  16. I love when you draw pictures!

    Love.

    But for me?

    My room is dark. The TV is off. There is no computer.

    But inside my head?

    Looks much like your last picture.

    More swearing, maybe.

    But much like that.

    1. Yes, I have Hot August Nights playing on the inside of my eyeballs not infrequently.

      It is BLOODY annoying.

      And there’s never anyone awake I can complain to.

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