Seriously. I am tired of this nonsense. So many systems around here just don’t work, the policies and procedures are outdated and the manuals are written in, I don’t know, gopher?
This has to stop.
In order to prepare you all for when The Reign of Lori finally gets through committee, here are the fist ten laws I will be slapping with vigor onto the books.
1. The noses of the models in all beauty/anti-aging commercials will grow in accordance with the severity of the lying being done in the ad copy.
2. Batteries in smoke detectors will only die during daylight hours.
3. Chocolate will cause weight loss, taught skin and prevent memory lapses.
4. There will be no such thing as early dismissal.
5. High-heeled shoes will be designed with the same eye for comfort and wearability as advanced athletic performance footwear.
6. Fluorescent lighting is henceforth banned.
7. NOTHING that you put on to clothe yourself may cost more than $50 dollars and price must be commensurate with the amount of raw materials required. A full-length evening gown can hit the $50 mark, a pair of jeans can cost $25, a bikini will be $1.99.
8. Every residence will be issued a house elf.
9. All DMV’s will be required to over-staff.
10. A person who presumes to judge another person based on their appearance, what mysterious forces they believe in, or who they choose to keep them warm at night will be forced to watch the Maury Povich show while having every hair on their body ripped off with duct tape by a blind esthetician.
I think that’ll do it for my first round of decrees.
Jot those down, commit them to memory.
I’m off to shop for my crown.
I think diamonds and amethyst, don’t you?