Ten Laws, or, Why I Should Be in Charge

Seriously. I am tired of this nonsense. So many systems around here just don’t work, the policies and procedures are outdated and the manuals are written in, I don’t know, gopher?

This has to stop.

In order to prepare you all for when The Reign of Lori finally gets through committee, here are the fist ten laws I will be slapping with vigor onto the books.

1. The noses of the models in all beauty/anti-aging commercials will grow in accordance with the severity of the lying being done in the ad copy.

2. Batteries in smoke detectors will only die during daylight hours.

3. Chocolate will cause weight loss, taught skin and prevent memory lapses.

4. There will be no such thing as early dismissal.

5. High-heeled shoes will be designed with the same eye for comfort and wearability as advanced athletic performance footwear.

6. Fluorescent lighting is henceforth banned.

7. NOTHING that you put on to clothe yourself may cost more than $50 dollars and price must be commensurate with the amount of raw materials required. A full-length evening gown can hit the $50 mark, a pair of jeans can cost $25, a bikini will be $1.99.

8. Every residence will be issued a house elf.

9. All DMV’s will be required to over-staff.

10. A person who presumes to judge another person based on their appearance, what mysterious forces they believe in, or who they choose to keep them warm at night will be forced to watch the Maury Povich show while having every hair on their body ripped off with duct tape by a blind esthetician.

I think that’ll do it for my first round of decrees.

Jot those down, commit them to memory.

I’m off to shop for my crown.

I think diamonds and amethyst, don’t you?

    66 comments

    1. Having just survived a motorcycle rally here in town, I’d like to add that all Harley Davidson’s and H.Davidson-like motorcycles must be required to have a silencer put on their mufflers.

      1. I used to live a place that was the weekend Hell’s Angel hang-out.

        The Angel’s themselves were perfectly pleasant.

        The loss of hearing that accompanied their entry into town, not so much.

      2. Oh, heck yeah! At first, I was rooting for the “house elf” to become a fast law.

        But I gotta go with the motorcycle thing, too. Living on the main street of a tourist town that, for some strange reason, has become the destination for all bikers within a 500-mile radius has taken a lot of toll on my sanity.

        I’d also like to add one, in the same vein: If you’re going to sit out on the street and play your guitar for money, you must vary your play list to include things that aren’t: Jimmy Buffett, The Eagles, and David Allen Coe.

        Or find somewhere else to play. Like your basement.

        Thank you.

      1. I think she came to her senses by the 7th book. It’s like telling a musician they can’t play, to deny a house-elf their domestic brilliance.

        That’s my philosophy and I’m stickin’ to it.

    2. Hilarious!

      On the shoe thing: look for Cole Haan with Nike Air technology. Although they will break the $50 rule. If you could speak with them about that, I would be most grateful. :)

    3. I have often wondered just what is in that bra at Victoria’s Secret that costs $60 more than the bra at Wal Mart. Neither, as I can attest from my own experience, do a good job of providing support AND comfort. VS will support the hell out of my boobs but cause chafing and shoulder pain. WM bras are quite comfy but my boobs hang down around my navel by 2pm.

      1. I hate navel boobs.

        Which are different from naval boobs, but that’s just a weird image so we won’t go there.

        I’ll have to decree that someone develop something more effective than bras too.

        Perhaps portable anti-gravity devices.

    4. Queen Lori-

      I would also like for you to make improvements to corporate vacation policies. I need every Friday off and summers too!

      In addition, alcohol can no longer cause hangovers.

      Thanks,
      Your Loyal Subject Paige

    5. early dismissal? thanks for adding that one! Every Wednesday our kids get out 1.5 hours early and damn if that is the day I usually have the most to do before they invade.

      Me likes ye list!

      1. Yeah, DAMN early dismissal drove me nuts.

        And I think they just started throwing it in willy nilly. Teacher conference? Early dismissal. School event that night? Early dismissal. Birds migrating south? Early dismissal.

        ARRGGHHH!!!

    6. If you could somehow extend your Rule of Law to the Canine World, I’d be grateful.

      Some early suggestions: don’t get up until the Queen does; give the Queen at least a 1 yard no follow zone; no hygiene chores whilst in the presence of the Queen — it doesn’t matter if you’ve just come in from the rain, it’s just gross.

      Thank you.

      1. I’m certain. I bet a bunch of smoke detector oompa loompas are designing these things purposefully so that when there’s about 25% battery life left, they wait till dark then PING..

        Cause have you noticed that they can PING like that for HOURS???

    7. 1. Does lying include air-brushing? I think if I can’t make myself look like that with makeup & spanx, then it shouldn’t be allowed in my reading material. No one is air-brushing my ass before I hop in the pool…

      2. This has happened to me twice in the last couple of months. Moments after I laid down in bed. Moments.

      3. Chocolate – nature’s perfect food!

      4. WTH is with schools today? As of today, my stepdaughter (in kindergarten) has not had 1 full week of school yet. And she started in August. This week? Assuming she makes it sans illness or injury all week? Will be the 1st full week. Next week? No school Friday. *sigh*

      5. High heels that don’t make me knees cry? Sign me up.

      6. My skin thanks you!

      7. I like this rule. Clothes are stupid expensive.

      8. Hopefully my elf will have a better temperament than Creature…

      9. Can we add a cappuccino bar to the DMV too?

      10. Poor duct tape!

      Can we do something about fitting room mirrors? Can they all be a little concave to slim me out a little?

      Let me know when the coronation ceremony is. I make killer chocolate chip cookies…

      1. You, you have ALSO reached favored subject status, oh lovely woman of killer chocolate chip cookies.

        And yeah, those mirrors WILL be dealt with.

    8. I would like to make a rule as well!

      My rule?

      Is that anyone who calls you insulting names in an anonymous comment on your blog?

      Should have to wear one of those $1.99 bikinis of which you spoke.

      And then be subjected to a truthful beauty photo session.

      And then have those photos posted on the internet so that others may anonymously mock.

      Ahem.

      Feeling cranky today.

      Thank you.

      1. I think that is a perfectly reasonable rule.

        I decree it shall be so.

        And who the hell is making anonymous insulting names?

        Coward.

        Point me at them. I will tell them how cowardly they are.

    9. Greetings and Salutations, Your Majesty!
      Mother Hen here delivering some suggestions from her dear friend J. Edwards Wright.
      — All size 8 or below clothing should be removed from regular stores, and placed in speciality boutiques so the skinny females have to shop elsewhere.
      — Self-closing toilet lids attatched to automaticaly flushing toilets are to be compulsary in every bathroom in the nation.
      — All makeup and skincare products must do exactly as advertised or we get double our money back.
      — Politicians are to take mandatory IQ tests, which shall be publicized on local and national media.
      Long live the Queen!
      Regally Yours,
      Mother Hen

      1. Excellent, excellent additions.

        I am so proud of my amazing subjects who understand the world I want to create SO very well.

        Most glorious, Regal Mother Hen.

      1. I have said for many years that my next spouse will be a wife.

        Both husband 1.0 and husband 2.0 found TREMENDOUS satisfaction with their wives.

        I want one.

        I deserve one.

    10. First of all, I would most definitely vote for you for Queen/President/Boss Lady.

      Secondly, it’s amazing how our opinions change as we age. I remember, not so long ago, thinking that early dismissal was a plan that stretched far beyond genius.

      Now? Stupidest decision the school trustees ever made. Seriously.

      1. With all due respect for the teachers that live for early dismissal, it really drove me nuts by the end. I couldn’t keep up with them and my boss was NOT thrilled at the frequency with which i had to adjust my schedule.

    11. Ok….this chocolate decree needs to happen like yesterday. And also? It should clear out any and all knuckleheads coming my way or in my way. Screw it….if their even in the general area. :) Great laws my queen!

      Seriously though…why havent they made you queen yet?

      1. I don’t know!

        I mean, really, right?

        If I had been put in charge WAY BACK when I demanded…er…ASKED the first time, our lives on the whole would be SO much easier!

      1. Mine too.

        Or, if he did, the previous owners very selfishly took him or her with them.

        They also left a lot of used paint.

        Not a fair trade in any way.

      1. I will so totally need a crown.

        And a sceptre.

        If I don’t get something to bash stupid people on the head with I will not have NEARLY as much fun.

    12. These are all Sluiter Approved except the one about early dismissal. As a teacher? When we are allowed to send the kids away earlier than normal? I am all for it.

    13. You hit the nail right on the head. Or the elf on the head. I want a house elf, hate early dismissal, loathe flourescent lighting, and hate spending more than $50 on anything to wear. Even shoes.

      You have my vote, or royal decree, or whatever is needed for your rule to begin. Two thousand Martha points to you.

      1. In general I think i should try to not hit the elf on the head.

        That would be impolite.

        And it is very very very rare that I can make myself spend more than $50 on any piece of clothing.

        I have to LOVE it like nothing else, think about it for several days, and then do a conversion in my head about how much chocolate I am giving up in exchange.

        Then if I still want it, I will consider buying it.

        Emphasis on “consider”.

    14. As long as I don’t have to buy you a present for your coronation because that would be one more list on my “shit to do”. Otherwise, hail Queen Lori and pass me a truffle.

      1. Absolute Authority is reward enough.

        No gifts are necessary.

        But for christmas there’s this nice little patent leather number I’ve had my eye on…

    15. I want to live in your world!!

      Can you maybe do something about hair staying cut and colored the way you like it all the time…even after you get out of bed? Seems trivial, but since you’re giving out decrees, I thought I’d ask.

      Can’t wait for my elf to arrive – I’ve got lots for him to do!

    16. Omg we must be living in a parallel life. I agree with all these and didn’t know early release is a nationwide issue. I’m reading your older posts and laughing my head off. By the way I’m supposed to be working.

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