Filthy Liar

How well do you really know Lori?

Because I’m going to throw some trash your way.

You need to decide what the one piece of quality material in this huge pile of rubbish is.

Gina, from the lovely blog, Three Ring Cottage, tagged me in the game Fact or Fiction.

So where, in this steaming heap o’ manure, is the one piece of reality?

1. While living in England I managed to offend the entire patient population of an outpatient neuro center by telling one of them to sit down and keep their fanny warm. This is a fairly crass thing to say as in England  “fanny” refers to your girlie bits.

2. While working a rodeo at the age of 14, my bustiness was enough to convince the event coordinator that I was of age and he gave me and my girlfriend a couple six-packs in addition to cash payment.

3. I have gotten out of no fewer than three traffic tickets by crying and/or acting dumb and cute, including one time by explaining how I was deathly allergic to bees. (For the record, I am not.)

4. A family vacation was cancelled as a child because the coastal resort we were supposed to be staying at was taken over by a pod of mating elephant seals. My biggest source of grief over the cancelled vacation was not being able to see elephant seals being naughty.

5. After frightening Joe Montana out of a local market (he lives around here) by recognizing him (which he really hates), when I got to check-out the cashier threatened to break all my eggs.

6. At a club in San Francisco, a heel broke on my psychotically high-heeled shoes forcing me to walk with a bizarrely uneven gait. The security team at the door noticed and my partner in crime then claimed that I had been assaulted by a bunch of high frat boys. We were waved in past the waiting crowd and comped our cover charge.

So which of those juicy tidbits is true about yours truly?

Can you tell?


  1. I believe that #5 is true.

    I hope that #5 is true. I love that story like no other.

    And I’d like to hear the entire story one day. Made up or not.

  2. My guess is number one because I remember you mentioning England before and I’m in London laughing over the fact you typed the word ‘fanny’

    1. I’d say excellent guess, except I think all of them are excellent guesses.

      But only one is the RIGHT guess, and I’m not telling yet. ; )

  3. Mother Hen agrees that #1 has the legendary “ring of truth.”
    Mother once made the faux pas of telling a Cornish chicken (after a particularly filling meal of corn) that she was “stuffed.”
    Well, Mother must admit that is not the smartest thing to say to a chicken in the first place, saying it to an English hen was even more foolhardy. Apparently in the UK, “stuffed” means, um, how can MH put this delicately, carnally satisfied. If chickens could blush, Mother H. would have been a Rhode Island Red!
    Tastefully yours,
    Mother Hen

    1. Oh my…that is just hysterical.

      And, two years abroad (not to be confused with 42 years a broad) and I did not manage to hear that one.

      Another favorite, in regards to women who do not wear attire commensurate with their age: “Mutton dressed as lamb.”

  4. You didn’t disappoint. I knew this would be good. Where else could we read about “girlie bits” and a “pod of mating elephant seals.” I need to remind myself not to take a sip of my sweet tea before clicking on your blog to read. I have no idea which one is true. They are all so crazy. So, I’m going to guess number 4 just because nobody else has (but I’m thinking it’s 1).

    1. Oh dear…I hope monitor and keyboard survived the sweet tea attack!

      (I need to live in the south. I hate regular iced-tea, but I bet I’d LOVE sweet tea.)

  5. How embarrassing! I’ve always thought I knew you pretty well, but I don’t know the answer. I have a couple of them pegged as false only because I think I’d have heard about them if they’d actually happened, but the real one? Beats me. :)

  6. I read this on my phone yesterday and it doesn’t look like you have revealed your answer yet! I’m going with number 5 and I’m with KLZ, I hope it’s true.

  7. Wait a minute, I read all of these thinking only one was NOT true….now I see that only one IS !

    Hmmm….while I would love to think #5 is true, I can’t imagine that you would actually scare him. So, I’m betting that #1 is true. If I can only pick one, that is.

  8. So that beesh at Funny Or Snot tagged me in this bullshit, and so, here I am, trying to figure out the rules.
    Whic h is dumb, because I’ve had “some” wine. So I’m not retaining crap.
    Issues…I have serious issues.

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