Ask Not-Martha, Your Points Questions Answered

Hellloooooo lovely readers!

We all remember from last week that that was supposed to be Julia Child, right? Excellent!

I do so love when I nail the impersonations.

Welcome to this week’s installment of Ask Not-Martha, Your Points Questions Answered.

As a service to you, you poor poor souls who wander the world without having immediate awareness of where you might be in your points totals, I gift unto you, the answers to your Big Questions.

Big points questions, that is. Big relationship or theology questions can be asked on iVillage.

First up today, we have the gorgeous Nichole from In These Small  Moments.

Well, I think you get the “Oogy” award for the day, although there’s not a parent alive who hasn’t done it. I have to assume that said 10-month-old was not squashed, squooshed, squished or squelched in any way. So for dogged pursuit of hygiene in the presence of  mucous you get +7 Martha Points. No penalty for baby-pinning.

Next up, there is the ever-lovely Hannah from Peggy Ann Design (who graciously donated this week’s prize on Project: Purse and Boots, thank you, darlin’!) who asks:

I think continuation of the species trumps just about everything else, and since I have a degree in Science (albeit, nothing related to biology) I, of course, am an expert. If I consult my Official Rulebook, it says, “Penalties for hurling obscenities at your spouse for demanding heated frozen goods when attempting to engage in lower extremity hair removal with a sharpened blade in order to increase desirability for procreation activities are only levied if 1) said frozen goods are burned to the degree that smoke detectors are triggered and emergency personnel arrive mid-procreating, or 2) cuts sustained from said hair removal cause major bleeding, requiring the summoning of emergency personnel instead of procreating.”

So as long as you did not set the house on fire or end up hospitalized, you’re good.

Next up, our own wonderful Mother Hen.

You’re correct. Warner Brothers’ trivia, while impressive, does not earn Martha Points. However, the weed pulling earns you +10 Martha Points (that’s back-breaking work there), and there’s only a -6 point deduction for a season’s worth of lawn neglect.  So you come out ahead!

And for our fourth entry today, we have the oh-so-stunning Fire Wife Katie.

What?? Are you kidding? You scrubbed your own fingerprints off? I think you reach some sort of Martha Sainthood. I think I need to consult a cannonization committee. You people keep going out of my depth.

And finally, you know how I hate to play favorites, but…I think this may be my favorite question yet and it comes to us from The Barrenness.

I think we all know the answer to this.

+50 Martha Points.

Alrighty folks! Keep those questions coming.

You all know how much I love playing an expert on the internet.


    1. Good lord woman!!!

      Ok, you know that the woman who laid her own floor last week got a “making me look bad” deduction, right?

      Yer playin’ with fire here!

      1. What if I told you that it ended up covered in dog and cat hair because I was sewing instead of vacuuming? Do I lose points for being a slob or save my butt by making you look better?

  1. HA! I love this. I always wondered how much I lose out on by yelling at my husband. But what if a making a baby and/or pizza is not involved? What if instead, it’s yelling at him for spending my damn money on video games? Something to ponder. Enjoyed this post a lot!

    1. Yes, yes, I will have to put that through the calculator in my brain.

      Husband yelling, in general, is not really an MP activity.

      But we all need to stretch ourselves now and then, don’t you think?

      I’m considering branching out into MP Law and MP Automotive Maintenance.

  2. Hannah’s question had me laughing out loud and brought back memories of the baby making!!

    How many points do I get for already having my Christmas shopping entirely completed for the kids?

    1. I’m pleased to see that so many people are clear ont he concepts I’m trying to teach here.

      I am happy with my place in the world at this moment…

  3. Listen ladies, I really was just trying to toot my own horn (that sounds so goofy). I am going to post how it happened next week…it was a total fluke, believe me! I’m usually one of those people still shopping on Christmas Eve!

  4. As much as I enjoyed this edition of Ask Martha, what happened to the GUFP Wednesdays?!?

    I threatened to grab the snot sucker at use it on my 12 year old the other day, but I’m not sure I could pin her down anymore.

    1. I HATE when they get to the age of not being able to be overpowered anymore…

      I’m going to post an update today with the Fact Or Fiction answer and will address The GUFP question.

      You’re not the only person who’s asked.

  5. Those rubber squeezie bulbs that you stick up your child’s nose to suck out the snot? Is that what Nichole is talking about?

    I never used one of those. Not once.

    So disgusting.

    And my children survived.

    Pinning a child to the floor to suck out snot?


    Not even.

    1. Oh yes!

      Although, there are so many questions coming in, it may need to be a twice a week thing at some point.

      I feel bad when I don’t get to questions soon enough.

  6. I love these! I’m sure I can come up with something good. I’m tragically in the negative when it comes to anything Martha-like. Right now, I’m mostly going for survival! Thanks for the laugh!

  7. Dear Your Majesty Queen Lori the First,
    Mother Hen here.
    MH came out ahead! Sweet!!!!
    Um…she means, isn’t that nice?
    How many points are available for taking over the phone from Father Rooster when the internet was down and he just couldn’t stand it anymore trying to understand someone from India talk computer lingo and besides he was late for an appointment and as you can see the internet is up again.
    Breathlessly Yours,
    Mother Hen

    1. I think we need to focus on the end result here…YOU HAVE YOUR INTERNET BACK.

      Because when I don’t have mine, the children suffer.

      And we must think of the children first.

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