Pumpkin Grief

I mentioned last week that my nightmare of a neighbor* (not Backyard Neighbor) lined her roofline with pumpkins and that this was CLEARLY a call to arms.

A summons, if you will.

Calling me out as surely as if she’d stood in front of my house and screamed “STELLLLAAAAAA!!!!”

Despite Stella not actually being my name.

But there are no movies where anyone stands in front of a house and screams “LORRRRIIIIII!!!”

The heroine is NEVER named Lori.

Not that I’m bitter or have role-model issues.

Nope.

Some people expressed confusion about how this worked. How did this wretched woman* manage to get pumpkins on her roof?

Allow me to illustrate.

Here is an artist’s (and I use the term very loosely) rendering of her house. Here is the unadorned house, just so you can appreciate what I already have to deal with.

Even without holiday adornment, this house is just…perfect. I left out the tree on the right with the swing and the bench, and the sweet little dove-cote in the front yard. And we’ll say that I left those out  because I did not want to clutter the visual image and that it has nothing to do with getting tired of illustrating or running out of time.

Because for you, I would paint until my mouse hand fell off.

So here is what it looks like now.

You will notice (of course you will notice because I am now pointing it out to you) that her roofline is flat. MY roofline is pitched. I cannot put mini pumpkins along my roofline without a nail gun. And Himself put the kibosh on THAT plan. Cause he hates Halloween and hates it when I’m happy although he claims it’s because of the damage to the roof the fact that it will cause the pumpkins to rot.

But I think we can all see through that obviously transparent excuse.

Now allow me to offer some suggestions for what the horrid woman’s* house could look like if I were allowed to take off the creative reins, so to speak.

I should probably mention that Himself locked the shed where we keep the paint, so it is unlikely my vision will be realized.

But I figure he has to sleep sometime.

*It should be mentioned that I have never met this woman, spoken with this woman, nor would I even recognize her if I bumped into her at the local Neighborhood Watch meeting, which I’m sure if she ever saw this blog she would rapidly become a member of. In truth, she is probably just as lovely as her house.

53 comments

  1. I once again offer up how I dealt with this same pr0blem. Drive to the middle of nowhere, turn left, live there. No neighbors. :)

    And I’m jealous of the pumpkins too.

    1. You have no idea how tempting this is.

      And then the whole Christmas thing would be a moot point too.

      Although, typically, I am crazier about Halloween.

      At least for the outside of the house.

  2. Who in the hell has the time to perfectly line up those pumpkins on their roof line?
    And what happens when the wind blows one of them off on some sweet, innocent child’s head???
    See, you’re better off without pumpkins lining your roof.
    :)

  3. I would just go knock on the door, introduce myself, and ask how she did it. Compliment her on how nice it looks, get some advice, and make a new friend. LOL….or enemy.

    1. Oh you with all your reasonableness.

      Just stop that right now.

      I will NOT have reasonable discourse here.

      That’s just silly.

      Now go stand in the corner until you have something inflammatory to say.

  4. I feel your pain. Heroines are never named Stacey either. Sluts who get killed off early in horror movies are named Stacie though.

    Maybe you could check out Target or someplace and get some Halloween themed icicle lights for the front of you house. A bunch of strings of tiny glowing pumpkins or bats or skeletons depending on the message you want to send?

    1. Yeah, what the heck is up with that?

      “Lori” is always the annoying sister-in-law or suck-up junior executive.

      That’s just a bunch of nonsense right there.

      And I did put lights up in my windows.

      And yet…

      I still feel inadequate.

      *snif*

  5. Meh.

    ((nonchalant shoulder shrug))

    They don’t seem THAT cute.

    Um…wait. They’re REAL pumpkins?? Like the already cute just sitting on a table mini pumpkins??

    ((long pause))

    She’s like really fat, right?

    – B x

    1. I always hoped to make the news for reasons other than the illegal discharge of a firearm.

      Like world peace, or something.

      Which seems to be sort of at cross purposes to the pumpkin war.

      I hate these sort of conflicts.

  6. Oh, you done brought the funny to this one, Lori. I feel your pain. I can’t even imagine being forced to look at perfection all day (it’s why there are no mirrors in my house – ha!). But in fact, it’s oddly hysterical that there on pumpkins on her roof. Like, “Waiting For Guffman” kind of hysterical. Like her mother is trapped in the basement kind of hysterical. Like her marriage is falling apart and her kids are on meds kind of hysterical. Because ain’t no one that perfect.

  7. I vote for the “Stealthy Wielding of the BB Gun under the Guise of Walking the Dog” plan, otherwise known as Operation Punkin’ Pop. Implement after dark. Nitely. *grin*

  8. I can’t help but think that raccoons MUST like pumpkins. And mini-pumpkins would be so much easier for them to carry away. Or just munch on while they sat on the roof, just high enough to avoid capture.

    Hmmm…..just a thought.

    1. I bet if I taught raccoons that mini pumpkins held treasure, they’d steal them all!!

      Umm…and then bury them in my backyard.

      Damnit, why does EVERYTHING have a downside??

  9. I spit out my organic, home-grown, freshly squeezed lemonade (Aka flat diet-coke) when I saw the red scribbles!

    Just a thought – if you super-glue the pumpkins to her roof, they would eventually rot – wouldn’t that be perfect?

  10. You don’t know your neighbors?

    That’s weird.

    Also, I’m sure she’s NOT lovely, but I like how you CYA in case she is, in fact, an avid and dedicated reader of IPOMP. I suppose if you wake up tomorrow and your house is covered with red scribbles you will no for sure.

    1. I know the ones around, behind and across from me, but this little number is down the street a ways.

      And well, I really have never met her, so I wanted to make sure people know all the angst is totally in my head over her outrageous pumpkin decorations and not think my neighborhood is totally filled with crazy, evilness.

      Well, other than me, the cats, and the pirate raccoons.

  11. Haha. Stupid people with their perfect houses and decorations!!

    Our neighbors go all out for Halloween, but yet, don’t put 1 single decoration up for Christmas. I love Halloween, but how can you not decorate for Christmas?? I mean, I guess maybe if you weren’t Christian…

  12. OK, the BB plan? I’m totally in!

    BTW, the lead in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” Was named Lorelei, she was played by somebody whose name I can’t remember. She was a total ditz, but she sure knew what a girl’s best friends are. :)

  13. I got all sidetracked when I saw my 3 year old’s drawing here – jeez, ask a kid when you want to publish his artwork, would ya? He should get some royalties or something.

    [seriously my favorite part. love the scribble factor. and the perfect punkins make me puke. can’t help it.]

  14. It always makes me crazy when people put up Halloween decorations.
    Decorating is for Christmas.
    I know I have 10 Christmas trees. No room fir Halloween crap

  15. Thinkin’ this might just be my favorite post of yours.

    FAVORITE.

    So, um, would it be wrong to go over there during the day and snap a picture of this adorable house?

  16. I just try to figure out which neighbor it is. If it is the same house as last year – then don’t worry: HE does all the stuff. Not she. (Sorry Himself, I hope that doesn’t make him feel bad now – or he might give you the key to the shed :-) )
    I have to walk the neighborhood tomorrow. I’ll get back to you.

  17. I say just spray paint the pumpkins…something like
    “My House is Cuter Than Yours” (one letter on each pumpkin) then you will be sending her a message, and the new message that she will be putting out will match the smugness of her perfectly pumpkin lined roof. That will teach her.

  18. I’m so with KLZ on this one…little pumpkin creating in Paint seems like a lot of work. After seeing the neighbor’s new red house? I want to go scribble on something.

  19. I’d go send the Health & Safety people to her place. Like someone said, one of those pumpkins could fall and hurt someone. They could also traumatise a pet and/or traumatise birds that try to land on the roof etc.

  20. Okay, so every year, right before Halloween, Manitou Springs (where I live) hosts the Emma Crawford Coffin Races.

    They. Are. Insane. This town swells from 5000 people in it to over 20,000.

    And it’s all macabre and Halloweeny.

    It started when this chick (Emma Crawford) died and was buried on one of the mountains here. A few years later, it flooded and the coffin slid down the mountain into town.

    So here’s the plan. Get a coffin. Bury someone in it on a mountain (or small mound that you create). Water it until it slides down.

    Host your own coffin races every year at your house.

    Pumpkin woman = HAHA. Beat.

  21. You’re a better person than me, for thinking she’s as adorable as the house.

    I highly doubt it.

    Sounds a little high strung to me (hahahhahaaa..sorry…just couldn’t wait to put that in here…)

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