Sometimes we just do things we’re not proud of.
We hold ourselves up to certain standards.
Tell ourselves that tomorrow, we want to be proud of who we were today.
But there are times when circumstances and situations simply get the better of us and choices that we would not make for ourselves or our families, all things being equal, just have to be made.
I find that in these situations that it’s better to simply come clean and be honest with the limitations that our lives impose on us, and to accept the circumstances we find ourselves in as gracefully as possible. We need to make peace with our decisions, and give ourselves permission to be disappointed without passing judgement on ourselves.
I say these things, but sometimes I don’t listen to myself very well.
Today…*deep breath*…I’m finding this hard to say.
I know you all love me, and I’m confident that you will find ways to forgive me, but these sorts of confessions simply aren’t easy no matter how strong our support networks.
Ok, let me try again…
I chose the fast, rip-the-bandaid-off-quickly approach.
What? You didn’t catch that?
*heavy heavy sigh*
Today, I have a housecleaner coming.
I’m holding my breath now.
Are you all still there?
Please! Say something! Anything!
I know you’re all shocked, and possibly you feel…cheated…dirty.
I promise she means nothing to me!
And it wasn’t even my idea! It was Himself’s! Blame him!
Although… I agreed.
Reluctantly, yes, but I agreed.
And I’ve never done this before, I swear! There were those few experiments with having a service clean the rental after I moved out, but that’s all!
I mean, I’m a working mom in the suburbs! All my friends are doing it! I just wanted to fit in!
Oh, let’s face it. Those are excuses, just ways to make it seem not so bad.
But the thing I’m most afraid of is…what if…what if…what if I enjoy it?
What if I want to do it again?
These things are insidious. You think it’s just once, to get yourself through a rough patch. It’s no big deal, it’s not like you’re dependent or anything. Everyone needs a little help now and then. But then you think about how good it felt and how it’s not like a thousand other people aren’t doing it too. So you do it a second time, just because it’s a special occasion. You know you can walk away. But then, it’s stops being a way to get through a rough week, or just something you do when there’s a party, and starts being something that you need to have regularly. Monthly. Then…then…weekly.
I think, maybe, that you all should have an intervention prepared.
Just in case.