Have you ever noticed how when you lose someone that time slows down?
You know that your heart will recover with the passing of the hours and days, but the hand on the clock seems mired and each minute is an eternity where you have nothing but the missing, and the longing.
You try to distract yourself. Keep busy. Hoping that an occupied mind will keep you from feeling the empty place where there was once someone special. Someone with whom you hoped for a long-lasting, mutually rewarding relationship.
Someone like my housecleaner.
It’s been a week, and the ache for her is a palpable thing.
My life is a wreck without her in it. I can’t find the motivation to do anything, and the signs of my malaise are evident.
Crumbs on the counter.
Grime in the kitchen sink.
I’ll go a few precious moments without the memories of her presence in my life ripping at the center of my being, but then I’ll notice the gleam still catching light on the appliances…and I’m right back in hell again.
I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let this get to me. That I would be strong. Capable. And I think that I’m doing a fair job of keeping my grief hidden. I’ve made it to work every day this week. Did the shopping. Pretty much kept to my regular routine. Sometimes it helps to have people counting on you to help keep yourself together.
I have to think of the children.
I know there are those of you out there thinking to yourself, “Lori, it was just one time. You can’t have fallen this hard for someone after just one day.”
But you’re wrong.
You don’t understand.
Sometimes…sometimes you just know.
I think a few of you have been where I am.
You know that sometimes these things simply have a life of their own. There’s chemistry. Specifically, calcium carbonate, sodium carbonate and anionic surfactants.
And I even know what a surfactant is. Do you doubt now that this was meant to be?
It’s just the wrong time. We can’t make it work right now. It doesn’t matter how much I want her to be here or how much she wants to be paid employed.
I can’t work miracles.
If only wanting something made it so.
I can tell it’s going to be a waterproof mascara sort of day.
* Honest to Pete, her name is Martha. Not making that up.