STOP HELPING!

You don’t understand what I’ve been going through.

I haven’t been sleeping.

I now own thirteen Ronco Vegetable Poachers because I have formed an intimate and personal relationship with the Australian guy who sells them at three in the morning.

I drank salad dressing instead of coffee today when I got up.

My boss was recently seen reviewing the facility drug testing policy.

Himself had to wash my hair for me this weekend. (Well, ok, that was just for fun and had nothing to do with my most recent neuroses, but it enhances the list well, don’t you think?)

I sat in a daze mindlessly munching while watching Law and Order (or House Hunters, I couldn’t tell) and didn’t notice when I finished the Cheetos and started in on the plastic bag.

I have been counting the days, NO, the HOURS till November 1st because I knew that my torment would be over soon after.

I have been wearing the same pair of pink velour sweatpants and orange stripey socks for five weeks! I need to start healing!

I’ve been comforting myself with the knowledge that this blasted holiday was finally coming to an end and that I could stop envisioning orange orbs hovering overhead, just beyond my reach.

I’ve been further assuring myself that I had nothing to worry about in the next round of seasonal decorating because there’s not historically been anything absurdly cute, nauseatingly charming, or disgustingly adorable about the Christmas decor of that house.

So imagine the twitch that started above my left eye when I read this comment.

I reached for my inhaler when I read this comment.

And then I just went ahead and broke out the goddamned bottle of Wild Turkey when I read THIS one.

STOP!

HELPING!

This kind of “encouragement” and “reassurance” is going to get me admitted to a local rehabilitation facility to treat the attachment disorder I’ve developed with my fully articulated electronic Santa Claus. Or get me on the local news for coverage of my aerial act with the utility poles and Christmas lights. OR land me in jail for launching molotov cocktail fruit cakes at church carolers with the catapult I was forbidden from launching the cat with.

For the love of god, HELP SOMEONE ELSE.

I have a fetal position to practice.

Confused people can click on the “pumpkin war” tag to see all posts that lead up to my impending institutionalization.

67 comments

  1. I suggest you change to a whole different mode of decorating…the redneck version. Now that’s a challenge anyone can excel at! Not nearly as stressful. Release yourself, sistah!

      1. Well, sure. But I think I’d add a little something. Maybe throw some hair clippings from your kids’ last haircut on top of the shrubs. Or I find that you can put an old car tire just about anywhere to liven the decor! And remember, once Christmas is over, be sure to leave your lights up until at least July!

  2. I’ve seen a Christmas decoration I bet That Neighbor doesn’t have, and it would blend in PERFECTLY with the whole Redneck theme mentioned above: a Razorback yard ornament. It’s large, lights up and puffs smoke out it’s nostrils as it ” gallops” across your front yard.

    Or your roof, if you go that route.

      1. No video, but PLENTY of photos. Will dig one out of iPhoto and send it to you!! : )

        Personally, I wouldn’t mind having one myself, but husband shakes his head every time I ask for one. ; (

  3. Oh Lori. Please, you’ve got so much going on. Seriously, I’d bet this little pumpkin wench does Halloween decorations and ONLY Halloween Decorations. I mean she can’t possibly have kids and work too. All she has is Pumpkins.

    You have her beat in every other important category. Now go get a shower and toss out the pink velour pants, really 5 weeks? Trash those puppies.

  4. Omg. You may need to go to Everclear. (well not really since it will kill you)

    I’m sure she won’t decorate crazy for Christmas.

    If she does, you can always solicit donations of old fruitcakes for your catapult. With brandy. And matches. Yeah.

    Flying, flaming fruitcakes.

    Works for me.

      1. Yeah, that would work. It’s close to pure alcohol (190 proof) though you can’t buy it in California.

        Hmm, just checked. It’s available in Arizona. DH is headed there next weekend……

        It would probably work better than brandy on the fruitcakes too.

        **evil plot hatching**

        Do you think it will scare off those kids that keep egging my car?

        **hmm motion detector, catapult, fruitcake, everclear, matches…..but what if I hit my car…hmm…**

      2. You, mademoiselle, have an eye for strategy.

        And with the proper calculations, I’m sure we can miss your car entirely.

        Unless there’s a crosswind.

      3. Exxxcellent **rubs fingers together in a Mr Burns kind of way**

        Yes the crosswind might be a bit of a problem.

        Darn desert breezes. And when I say “breezes” I mean 25 mph winds.

        *sigh*

  5. I feel your pain…we didn’t decorate for Halloween since ALL our neighbors copied what we’ve been doing for YEARS and made cemeteries. Plus? One asshat had a coffin AND an old wooden hearse.
    I’m getting ready to start on Christmas, last year we made the local news. This year I’m going Christmas Vacation and making j cover the roof in lights. (I would but I’m not allowed to use ladders.)

    1. We did a coffin one year, but it was made of cardboard. It didn’t hold up really well with the vampire getting in and out of it all night.

      And I SO want to see your Griswold house!!

    1. I am rolling on the floor here.

      I am imagining all the decorating potential that goes with National Peanut Butter Month.

      Can I do garlands of mini-Reese’s cups???

    1. I always TRY for too cool to care…

      …but then I end up secretly adorning the door with festive garlands and arranging fruit in artful presentations when no one is looking.

      Maybe I can maintain the attitude and just convince everyone that the decorating fairies have come.

  6. Per my usual behaviors, I am late to this party and have no fucking clue what the hell you’re talking about. At all.

    Am I supposed to not say something about the cheetos crumbs in your cleave?

  7. oh that cheryl. She’s always writing disturbing comments. Ask her what she wrote on MINE (my MOTHER reads my comments!)

    I missed it, you didn’t get to launch the cat?

    1. No.

      Himself forbid me from launching the cat.

      He also made me return all the catapult parts.

      And I got such a damned good deal on all that lumber too.

  8. Personally, I don’t understand the problem. In our hood, the biggest competition is who has the most appliances on our front porch. Right now, we’re winning. However, If yo’re upset, I’m upset. So if you need back up, I’ll show up and give her a “rude off”.

    1. Excellent.

      I’m glad SOME people aren’t TAUNTING ME in such a way that I am ready to check myself into the place with all THE DAMNED PRETTY LAWNS.

      Unlike others.

  9. Because I am one of the reasons you are at the funny farm, I have thought long and hard about how I should “help” fix this – I know, I know, no help…

    Step 1: I will show up with cocktails and chocolate and will hold your hair back when you throw up. We will save the vomit for the catapult. While you’re passed out, we will confiscate the pink velour and replace it with a line of trendy, eco-friendly loungewear that Martha Stewart would kill for.

    Step 2: We will set up a round the clock strike teams to keep power from flowing to the neighbor – not that she has the balls to go Griswold, I don’t even think she’ll get a tree. (see I am learning)

    Step 3: I am bringing my 6 year-old-son and his friends, nothing says destruction like 1st grade boys. If she does decorate, I promise you will never see them.

    Step 4: I am setting up a foundation “DEAL” Decorating Extravaganza at Lori’s. People will treat your house like a shrine, they will bring you gifts for the honor of keeping your home decorated every day, every obscure holiday and every major event. The team is setting up now for a post-election theme. You will simply poke your head out of your window and give a daily queen wave – arm, arm, wrist, wrist, wrist.

    Step 5: I have enlisted local realtors to go to the neighbors daily encouraging her to sell, despite the fact that her home is underwater.

    Okay, what did I miss?

    PS – I want to start a Griswold club with AmyBlam!

    1. OK, best conciliatory comment EVER.

      I particular like the shrine and cocktails and the chocolate.

      And yeah, AmyBlam sounds like her place is a party come Christmas.

      Let’s go play there!

      And I have a healthy respect for the destructive powers of six-year-old boys.

      They are…truly…awe inspiring.

  10. Seriously, the comments after the post are just as hilarious. You guys could just have message boards and I would laugh all day reading them. I think you should write a letter to Santa now and ask him to show up (offer your yard as an opportunity for kids to visit him with their list). Whatever pumpkin neighbor lady does, she can’t beat real Santa. By the way, if she only really decorates for Halloween, she could be a real witch.

    1. Hee! I know! I have the best commenters!

      I often…err…OCCASIONALLY…check my email at work to see if people have commented and then have to try and explain why I’m cracking up.

      And I bet I could tempt Santa down here by playing on his vanity.

      I mean, if she prefers Halloween then I think he’s got a point he needs to make, don’t you?

  11. I have to think that Halloween Witch is just that, and has nothing at all to do with any Santa/Elf related holiday. Having said that, am poised to bring reinforcements and wine after Black Friday.

    Maybe she’s just trying to impress you and earn some points?

    And a peanut-butter cup garland sounds divine.

    1. I’m actually putting some serious thought into a reese’s peanut butter garland.

      Cause you know that have those lovely autumn colors.

      I could do THAT for my thanksgiving decorating.

  12. Ok. Ok, dear? Take my hand. Just TAKE IT.

    Ok, now? Step this way. Yes, away from the ledge. That’s it! That’s a girl! Good job! Look at you.

    Ok. Good.

    Now?

    ::slaps across the face::

    GET A GRIP, WOMAN!

    We need a new plan! Something for Thanksgiving! No one decorates for that! It’s the middle child between Halloween and Christmas that gets passed over ever year.

    You need turkeys…and a Mayflower scene…yes, yes….

    Wait. Now maybe I need a good slap.

    1. That…that was very helpful.

      I’m glad I have friends willing to be so honest with me.

      But PROMISE me you and I will go for cocktails before we ever agree to a Mayflower tableau.

      The madness has to stop somewhere.

  13. If she decorates for Christmas, we will have to plan a good old fashioned egg-nogging.

    Get it?

    Egg-nogging? Because it is Christmas?

    Okay. That is probably not funny outside of my mind. But if you did egg-nog her, it would probably short circuit her Christmas lights thereby rendering her decorations useless.

      1. Absolutely! We have to make sure we have gotten our courage up before we get to her house!

        We will probably need a generous helping afterwards too. You know, to warm up and celebrate our Decoration Victory!

    1. I sort of live in fear that this woman – whom I have never met, mind you – will find this blog where I turned her into Pumpkin Vader (Darth Pumpkin?).

      I hope to heavens that if she ever does, she realizes that she was a fully anonymous inpsiration for a really funny series of jokes.

      I REALLY hope that.

  14. Things your neighbor might conceivable place on her roof for Christmas:

    1) a North Pole Village, complete with hot chocolate shop and Mrs. Clause consignment boutique

    2) Stars of David. And if so, probably also some dreidels. (My computer doesn’t know the word dreidel. Obviously my computer is anti-Semitic.)

    3) A nativity scene. Though you might look better after she nails baby Jesus to her gutter.

    4) An entire row of those dancing Santas.

    1. *beep*

      This is Lori.

      I’m not home right now.

      I’m in yarn therapy class with the woman who tried to dress all her children alike and a dad who thought he could renovate a kitchen without help.

      And later they’re telling us there is ice cream.

      Please leave a message.

  15. I am worried about your mental state after Megan’s suggestions on what the neighbor might do for Christmas. Should I send reinforcements? Should I have you transported to Ghiradelli Square while being given IV’s of wine?

  16. You broke out the Wild Turkey and didn’t even call me?!

    I really loved reading through all these comments and responses, and I gotta say, I’m liking the red neck decorating ideas…but that probably doesn’t surprise you since I had the white trash party and all.

    Anyways, I can’t wait to see what you come up with! In the meantime, I’ll quit helping…

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