THIS IS VERY WRONG!

Lately, WordPress has been deciding that some of my friends are lunchmeat.

And by lunchmeat I mean spam.

I don’t know what has made WP re-classify them as a processed meat product. I mean, I’m sure they’re delicious and all, but they’ve been leaving comments for MONTHS so it seems a little random to decide NOW that they’re behaving inappropriately. It’s not like they’ve recently begun embedding a dozen links to anatomical enlargement websites in their comments or anything.

So I was reviewing the spam folder for honest-to-goodness humans, and saw a few places where my blog as been linked. And one about pet care caught my eye so I clicked.

This is where I ended up:

If memory serves, and it does, “The Assault” is a post about my plan to catapult my vicious cat onto an unsuspecting neighbor in order to destroy her Halloween decorations.

PEOPLE! DO NOT FLING YOUR PETS!

That post is NOT a tutorial.

That post will NOT help you keep the local cats from using your garden as a public restroom.

Do NOT catapult cats out of your garden and onto your neighbors roofs!

And as a PSA, I will also suggest that the post about Merkel expecting Germany’s neighbors to knuckle under (and excuse me? Who the hell is Merkel and why is he being so damned oppressive towards his neighbors? Do they have pumpkins on their roofs?) and the one about it being “Almost November” will also probably not help in this situation. I doubt Merkel really cares where the hell a cat is deciding to do its business if his life’s goal is international domination, and I seriously doubt that cats have seasonal changes in their waste disposal habits that make November any more or less problematic.

And if you can find a way to keep outdoor cats from shedding on your car that doesn’t involve electrifying the surface, patent that baby. And does it really matter if the cats in question that are shedding are your car are stray or not? Do we expect the cats from good homes to know better? Is this a class thing?

Regardless, I now feel compelled to make sure people know that I am not advocating throwing animals as a way to protect the begonias.

So don’t do it.

And also, ferrets are not the same as cats. But don’t put them in a catapult either.

Programming Note: I am very pleased to be one of the featured bloggers this week over at Kris’ place, Pretty All True. And if somehow you have managed to miss this blog, go now and read. It is, without doubt, one of my favorites because the way Kris puts words together is absolutely magical.

24 comments

  1. Wow. Someone needs to tinker with their search code. How on earth did your blog come up as related?? Because it had the word “cat” in it? Good grief.

    Really, tho, I suppose one could set up a trap in their garden so ferrets would be catapulted at the offending pooping cats…who knows, might help…hehe

  2. Mother Hen is here to declare that anyone who could believe that her fellow chick Ms. Lori was not a friend of animals should have checked with MH first! How absurd!
    Just let Mother know where to send some marbles to the poor soul who has obviously lost hers/his!
    Outrageously yours,
    Mother Hen

  3. But I still think it would extremely fun(ny) to fling cats from a catapult. I’ve been imagining that all week, sounds like something my son and I would come up with. ; )

    And I’m happy I’m not a spam sandwich anymore–had my fill of those growing up!

  4. It’s really a pity, because I have been catapulting cats FOR YEARS. And now you’re saying that’s wrong? What about those hard-working performers in the local cat circus? Stop discriminating, Lori.

    ps – Congrats on Pretty All True – coming to visit!

  5. I think it’s OK to catapult the cats when they are actually performing a service (or in the circus, as Chalupa pointed out). But to catapult in anger just brings in a whole set of issues that may be better addressed in therapy.

    But it is pretty funny that you are out there in the World of the Internet, educating the masses on cat management.

  6. The internet is an amazing place yet sometimes so stupid. That’s hilarious how it linked you up. I can only imagine what it might link by Texas Trash recipe post to…cheap meals using leftovers? recycling?

  7. Dude, you better start including a disclaimer so some whackjob doesn’t follow through and then turn around and sue. It’s so crazy to see posts come up in lists like that!

  8. That is too funny! They can find you to link you to their site, but they can’t read it?? I would think “Assault” wouldn’t be good advice for getting cats out of a garden in the first place, let alone if they actually took the time to know it could have been titled “How to Catapult a Kitty”…

  9. Lol!! That plugin that searches the web for related blogs is use at your own risk. I had my fake fashion trends article picked up on a fashion blog. I was wondering why I was getting comments that made me think they thought I was being serious about covering the back of your head with a hundred bows. You did the right thing with the PSA as some lunatic would see it and think it is real. ;P

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