Here are things that people have suggested I give myself Martha Points for:
1. Getting up.
2. Getting dressed.
3. Being able to identify things in the kitchen that are edible.
4. Being able to identify the kitchen.
5. Knowing where the kids are.
6. Knowing how many kids I have.
7. Knowing my kids’ names.
8. Knowing MY name.
9. Not calling Himself “Himself” in person.
10. Recognizing my husband in a grocery store.
11. Bringing the correct husband home from the grocery store.
12. Finding the grocery store.
13. Not buying food at the hardware store.
14. Not buying hardware as food.
15. Not killing my cats.
16. Not selling my cats.
17. Not turning my cats over to a testing laboratory.
18. Not shipping my cats to Siberia.
19. Spelling Siberia correctly.
20. Spelling my name correctly.
21. Spelling “cat” correctly.
22. Not setting the house on fire.
23. Not setting the car on fire.
24. Not setting the cats on fire.
25. Putting shoes on the correct feet.
26. Putting MY shoes on the correct feet.
27. Putting shoes on after socks.
28. Remembering my marital status.
29. Remembering my age.
30. Remembering my gender.
And I have to be honest. I’m sitting here looking down the nasty end of a -7. It is tempting in ways I can’t even describe to think, “Sure, why not. How about +3 points for not serving the kids dryer lint and stale marshmallows for breakfast?” Or, “You’ve had a rough week, you deserve +6 points for still having glass in most of your windows.”
Or my personal favorite, “I think I deserve at least +8 points for making toast without the fire department this time.”
It’s interesting to watch the evolution of a cognitive dissonance so robust that I’m just about ready to bestow points on myself for my home being a nuclear-free zone, because, by god, Martha approves of no nukes!
It may be time to send reinforcements.