Suggestion Box

Here are things that people have suggested I give myself Martha Points for:

1. Getting up.

2. Getting dressed.

3. Being able to identify things in the kitchen that are edible.

4. Being able to identify the kitchen.

5. Knowing where the kids are.

6. Knowing how many kids I have.

7. Knowing my kids’ names.

8. Knowing MY name.

9. Not calling Himself “Himself” in person.

10. Recognizing my husband in a grocery store.

11. Bringing the correct husband home from the grocery store.

12. Finding the grocery store.

13. Not buying food at the hardware store.

14. Not buying hardware as food.

15. Not killing my cats.

16. Not selling my cats.

17. Not turning my cats over to a testing laboratory.

18. Not shipping my cats to Siberia.

19. Spelling Siberia correctly.

20. Spelling my name correctly.

21. Spelling “cat” correctly.

22.  Not setting the house on fire.

23. Not setting the car on fire.

24. Not setting the cats on fire.

25. Putting shoes on the correct feet.

26. Putting MY shoes on the correct feet.

27. Putting shoes on after socks.

28. Remembering my marital status.

29. Remembering my age.

30. Remembering my gender.

And I have to be honest. I’m sitting here looking down the nasty end of a -7. It is tempting in ways I can’t even describe to think, “Sure, why not. How about +3 points for not serving the kids dryer lint and stale marshmallows for breakfast?” Or, “You’ve had a rough week, you deserve +6 points for still having glass in most of your windows.”

Or my personal favorite, “I think I deserve at least +8 points for making toast without the fire department this time.”

It’s interesting to watch the evolution of a cognitive dissonance so robust that I’m just about ready to bestow points on myself for my home being a nuclear-free zone, because, by god, Martha approves of no nukes!

It may be time to send reinforcements.

 

 

25 comments

    1. Oh, definitely – I forgot to put on deodorant yesterday. An hour into work, I felt damp and couldn’t figure out why since it was actually kind of cool. Suddenly I remembered that I hadn’t put it on, and I tried to make it til lunch to run and get some, but once the idea was in my head, it was all I could think about, so I just kept perspiring more and more. And since I have a cold and therefore a stuffy nose, I was sure I must stink, so I had to sneak out at 10am and run to Walgreens. Oy. You totally deserve points for remembering deodorant everyday in my book. (Today I made up for it by shaving my legs.)

  1. I’m with some other commentor’s – hygiene should be at the top of the list and get triple points. Actually taking a shower EVERY day should get quadruple… no octo-uple?

  2. How many points do the PETA people give you for not launching the cat at the rooftop pumpkins? It’s not like they would actually be on fire or anything….

    And I have several times thought about bringing a different husband home from the grocery store, but when I look around the store, I always like mine better than what’s offered.

    And never remember your age. Please?

  3. Do you assign points for reaching out and asking for love when you need it? Seems like that should earn you several thousands of points.

    Do you assign points when everyone in the world wants to reach out and give you that love? Seems like that should earn you several millions of points.

    I don’t care what point system you use, lovely lady.

    You come out way ahead of the game.

    Love.

    Love from me.

  4. I get Martha Points for walking around with my zipper up.

    Sadly? I’ve started this day in the negative. And VERY negative b/c I made my rounds this morning and no one told me. When I sat down in my seat *FLOP* there it was.

  5. I once set the kitchen floor on fire with a pop tart. Somedays I give myself points fore knowing I’ve brushed my teeth or not. Bonus points if I realize I haven’t and choose to rectify the situation.

  6. I got 4 pts for noticing the kitchen was a mess and -25 for walking past it and ignoring it. I can totally live with that today. You get 100 for that list cause it is just hysterical. How many points is removing dried poop from the dog’s tail and not puking? Cause I think that is borderline heroic of me.

  7. This was great! I like the one about remembering how many kids and their names…I’m not saying it applies to me because my kids are lucky if I say more to them than “hey you, the short one!” but I still like it.
    You’re brilliant!

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