Delirium as Entertainment

I’m not able to write anything sensible as I’ve spent the last three days lying down and all the blood in my body has settled in my butt.

But I did keep a notepad handy so I could write ridiculous, fever-induced thoughts down so you could laugh at them.

So in no particular order:

“Art Deco” sounds like it could be a breakfast cereal. It would have marshmallows and be shaped like little Chrysler Buildings.

Pioneer Woman’s mac and cheese, if made in a really big pan, would make a totally funky bed.

Supermodels have no boobs. This must be why I have never been asked to be a supermodel.

Do I have to throw this glass of ginger-ale away just because the cat drank from it?

I’ve watched enough “Law & Order” that I think I could totally pass the bar in New York state.

Ragu spaghetti sauce is an affront to humanity

Hoda Kotb has weirdly large teeth.

If bugs could talk the world would be a really loud place.

Has Liza Minnelli always had that lisp? I must be the world’s worst speech therapist for never noticing.

My god I want a Slurpee.

Conan O’Brien looks suspiciously like a Keebler elf.

Every time I see footage of the TSA’s new full body scanners I think of the opening of the “Six Million Dollar Man.”

Clearly there is a lot of TV watching when I am sick.

I can’t tell, since I can’t get my fever under 101 and therefore my thinking may be addled, but I think some of this is really deep stuff.

Feel free to expand on my cosmic wisdom.

30 comments

  1. I am so sorry to be laughing at your fever induced delirium. I don’t know about “deep stuff” but certainly funny! Especially the Law & Order and Keebler Elf. I hope you feel better soon!

    – Emily

  2. Yep, lateral Liza. Can’t listen to her. Sorry you’re so sick but your fever clouded observations are pretty interesting and quite amusing for the rest of us.

  3. I like the way you think. On the cat one, I used to drink after my cat all the time, and then my mom said, “Cats lick their butt.” Now it’s about 50/50. Sometimes I drink, sometimes I throw it out.

  4. I snorted at the one about Conan looking like a Keebler elf. There is something (there has to be something) wrong with him. Seriously. He is the oddest looking man I’ve ever seen. The thing is, though, he’s like a giant. Super tall. Not elf height at all.

  5. Yep, the Keebler elf description and the Law and Order reference made me snicker. What’s sad is that within a minute of watching those shows, I know who the bad guy is.

    And if supermodels are all flat chested, then where is my Ford modeling contract?

    Hope you get to feeling better soon! I’ve heard whiskey is good medicine…; )

  6. Very deep stuff. Hope you feel better! You should check out supernatural on TNT, that would totally get you pondering some things. They show two episodes every morning. And the guys are cute.

  7. OMG I think the same thing about “Law & Order” and the TSA machines!! Plus now we watch the “Good Wife” and “Criminal Minds” and “NCIS” and “Castle” – I could totally work for the BAU or the Navy, too. Bring it! I also have nightmares of all the awful things that could happen to my kids, so kinda glad I don’t do that full time…

    The TSA machines – that’s the first thing I thought of! I miss good 80’s TV shows.

  8. Hoda has more weird going on than big teeth. :)

    Hope you feel better soon. If you are supposed to cook for TG, I think you should call somewhere and order dinner. And call Martha. It’s an emergency!

  9. Had a good laugh at your sick epense. Off to quckly pick up my kids at school, but wanted you to know I’m still reading…. and giggling. Now I’m going to have to google Hone Kobt as I completely was lost on that reference. I know I live under a cold, northern rock.
    Love ya,
    Get Better!
    Dana

  10. Dude you really are sick! I can make some great chicken noodle. . .

    I also recommend “My Name Is Earl” full seasons as great laugh-your-A-off material.

  11. Hmmm supermodels have no boobs? Then where do they get all those well endowed ladies for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show (passable porn for married men everywhere)

    Please feel better, at this rate if we’re laughing it’s like we’re laughing at you, and that’s just wrong.

  12. Be careful. With your newfound law degree, the full body screening protesters may attempt to hire you. What if you accepted in a feverish daze? That would require shopping for an official looking briefcase and you don’t need that kind of stress when you are sick.

  13. I knew I hated those Keebler elves. Now I know why.
    And a Mac & Cheese bed would be sweet! All that butter would keep your skin soft, doncha think?
    Slurpees rock…especially when you have a fever. Get well, my dear, but you might possibly be even funnier when delirious.

  14. Mother Hen here.
    Ms. Kmama: Do you seriously think that Conan O’Brien looks odder than Lyle Lovett? He looks like he came from a different planet. Just asking.
    Ms. Mandi: Chicken Noodle What????? The only noodles that belong with chickens are the ones on top of their necks! For Shame!
    Yours in shock and outrage,
    Mother Hen

    1. Do you know how agonizing it is to watch someone on tv with a slurpee when you are bed-ridden with a 103 degree fever and want a slurpee MORE THAN YOU’VE EVER WANTED ANYTHING IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE but can’t get one because your body no longer knows where “up” is?

      Misery.

      Misery I tell you.

      Misery.

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