Things are not looking so rosy here in Lori’s queendom.
The ongoing lack of official recognition of the queendom by the UN continues to drive morale down, and the post office won’t even consider putting me on a stamp until I can show them something notarized.
I think people who have some passing familiarity with the queendom know that things haven’t been peachy here for a little while.
Nope. Not peachy ‘tall.
Moldy peachy, maybe. Moldy bug-infested peachy, maybe.
So the lack of peach-dom in the queen-dom is putting the holiday in jeopardy-dom.
So I’ve been thinking of some short-cuts that might salvage our ability to actually get this celebration on the table. And as a service to other desperately psychotic stressed-out hostesses who may or may not have been fighting 103 degree fevers and having delusions that they were being stalked by their own cats and who couldn’t bother to shower for several days because standing up as long as it would take to wash their own hair would surely have induced a hypotensive episode causing them to pass out in the shower thereby knocking out at least three teeth, I thought I’d share them.
1. Stop by your local purveyor of fine tools and home repair products.Purchase one can each medium brown and dark yellow aerosol pigment product. Spray paint one whole turkey, using the yellow as a base with the brown for the lovely darker roasted skin tones. Garnish.
2. Kelloggs has been thoughtful enough to launch “Pumkin-Pie Pop Tarts” this year. Buy two twelve packs and a set of decorative holiday cookie cutters. Cut pop-tarts into festive Thanksgiving shapes for dessert.
3. Take the muss and fuss out of mashed potatoes by putting them on the boil on Tuesday. Left sitting in scalding water long enough, they’ll disintegrate into paste, basically mashing themselves. What could be easier? Can alternatively be used as glue.
4. Stand outdoors several feet from the house with front door open. Aim leaf blower towards entry. Turn On. Voila! Colorful, rustic garlands. And placemats. And doormats. And wall art. And table embellishment. And hairpieces.
5. For quick, hassle-free clean-up, have your insurance policy and an alternate identity handy. Alternatively, hire someone you met behind your local adult book store. Remember, all those beautiful autumn decorations have had plenty of time to dry, and are now….you guessed it!…kindling! Have an overfilled cocktail and a candle sparker handy (for you in your nom-de-arson or for your new “friend”) and go to town! You’ll be amazed at how little cleaning anyone expects you to do after a major house fire.
So there it is, fellow Martha Point enthusiasts. Using these holiday-friendly tips, you’ll soon find yourself in the same position as me.
Sitting squarely in negative numbers and writing to you from a mid-security correctional facility.