Points for Posts

So I’m sitting here at -7 Martha Points.

I don’t even remember, now, what disasters I instigated that put me here. I hope they were entertaining.

And what with the typhoid induced tuberculosis (anyone else having flashbacks here?) I’ve done nothing…NUFFINK…to work my way out of the hole.

I mean really…we had a housecleaner come. Not even a fraction of a point for me for that one.

So I’m getting creative with the earnings here.

Nostalgia moment: Does anyone else remember, or remember their kids, negotiating for the most bizarre and effortless  chores possible as a way to earn money? “How much could I get for feeding the cat? How about flushing the toilet? Breathing? How much could I get for not holding my breath until I pass out and hit my head on the coffee table?”

I was never paid commensurately with my efforts, it seemed.

This week, through an unusual conflagration of scheduling, I have three guests posts appearing at some lovely blogging establishments.

And since I have nothing else to credit myself for, I am giving myself +5 Martha Points for each guest post that runs.

Because, let’s face it, an In Pursuit of Martha Points guest post improves the shininess of your blog. It decreases waxy buildup and prevents gingivitis. It improves the feng of your shui and unblocks your chakras. Some research even suggests that it fights mold and mildew and decreases the likelihood of athletes foot.*

So that’s got to be worth something, right?

Today I am hugely pleased to be the humble and appreciative guest at two incredible blogs.

First, Natalie, over at Mommy of A Monster (I Mean Toddler) and Infant Twins asked me to send a little content her way while she was 1) Child wrangling and 2) Seeing if NaNoWriMo could be squeezed into her life (although if she didn’t use a shoe-horn and a plunger, I’m not sure how she could do it).  So I  have a post there today about when I knew I was doomed – the day my seven-year-0ld proved he was going to overtake me in the arguing department.

And then, Tiffany, over at Mom-Nom.Com asked me to be one of the contributors for her Week o’ Funny Women. Ummm. Okay. No pressure. I’m just slotted in there in between some of the funniest freaking women bloggers I’ve ever met. So please go there also and read how fourteen different libations can be the downfall of your Christmas duck recipe. And please find it funny, otherwise I’m not sure what the point of my existence is.

So in one fell swoop, I am back in positive numbers! Ok, so it’s a three. It’s the little things that count. One step at a time. Crawl before you get drunk and fall down. You know the drill.

Finally, I leave you with this today. This is the photographic counterpoint to yesterday’s post. This is what almost ended life as we know it in this universe.

What a reckless species we are.

 

*These claims have not been verified by any reputable organization of any kind. These claims are, in fact, completely made up and have no bearing on reality in any way. These claims are the product of a sleep-deprived mind that is withdrawing from cough syrup and ibuprofen.

50 comments

  1. Funny? You are funny, and don’t you evah forgit it. I still remember fondly finding your “what is a cookie” post. I knew you were sumpin special when I started snortin and the girls were concerned for my safety. Between you and the Empress I need to get some frequent fly miles. Off to see what magic hiccups you will likely induce.
    Dana

    1. I remember when you found that post! Way way back in April when I was a wee little blogger.

      As opposed to now, when I am…umm…well, my backside is bigger at least.

      Goals never happen the way you think they will.

  2. I heard, the other day, about a dad who paid his kids to read books. I thought to myself, freaking genius! Because despite being a book addict myself, my 15-year-old won’t even read a cereal box. I’m gonna try it. I think he might turn me down, preferring, instead, to hold his breath until he passes out and hits his head on the coffee table. But I won’t pay him for that.
    Will be checking out those two other posts with pleasure and with the certainty born of experience that they will be funny:-)

    1. I hope you enjoyed them!

      And I’d like to know if your son trades getting paid for reading for getting paid to not make himself pass out.

      Cause my theory is that teenagers will be contrary just for the sake of being contrary.

      I need empirical evidence.

  3. Both posts are great. That drunk duck sounds really good – I don’t eat duck but the libations would be nice :).

    Glad you finally are recovered from the crud!

    1. Oh, I LOVE that answer! Perfect!

      We typically play the “How much do you think it costs to feed you?” card.

      Especially with the teenaged boys, that is not an empty question.

      1. You are welcome to it!

        My kids mostly understand the chore-to-value ration these days, so I don’t get those requests any more.

        And that line defiitely needs some air-time.

  4. I think you partook in a photo war with Yuliya because holding your camera like that squeezes your boobs together, this making them even bigger.

    +11 MPs.

  5. 3 posts? Waaaay more points. A post on a 7 year old and arguing???

    I give that 40 points. I have a 7 year old I’m going to murder for arguing. Must go read now.

  6. Lol my kids always do that. How much to take the trash out? My answer: you get to eat dinner tonight. Congrats. I would pay them if they did anything worth more than a dime which doesn’t begin to offset the $5 bag of chips under the bed they ruined. ;) If taking out the trash is worth $5 I’m underpaid.

    1. I think we are totally underpaid in general.

      I’m quite certain that on an hourly basis I pay to exist.

      I do not think that’s the best compensation for the efforts, do you?

      1. Ha ha…nope. I’m going on strike. I don’t know who is going to pay me..but I’m still going on strike for the fun of it. Plus I get to make a cool sign.

  7. Exactly how many points *does* one earn for holding their breath until they pass out and hit their head on the coffee table?
    I suspect I might need to know that number in the next few years.

    1. When the child demands money for not making himself pass out, you counter with “How much will you pay me for taking you to the hospital?”

      That SHOULD work, but no guarantees.

  8. I love your cleavage in this picture. That may be one reason I sat across the table instead of next to you….you put me to shame, girl.
    And look at you in all your guestiness! I will hop all around the blogosphere looking for you, waving when I see you, and I am certain cracking up.
    There have to be some Martha points just for that cleavage.

    1. I hope you will be cracking up.

      We discussed how freaked out I get that I won’t be funny when others need me to be funny.

      In a pinch I suppose I could always fall down, but that humor doesn’t translate as well to blogging.

      I save that for parties.

  9. I also agree that guest posts should count for way more! I am so behind in blog reading but I will go hunt down your guest posts. Guest posting takes extra effort, so twice the points at least!

    1. Interestingly, I don’t remember THAT as well as I remember the disaster with the sauce.

      I do remember trying to turn two duck into eight servings though.

      I’ve just blocked out all the drama with the knives.

  10. I was really laughing about the silly ways your kids tried to get some money out of you. Those were good…especially that holding the breath one. I will definitely have to stop by the Week o’ Funny Women and read your stuff, you funny woman you!

    1. They’ve mostly outgrown that now, they sort of understand the payment scale these days.

      But there were times when they (and by “they” I mean “me as a seven year old” ) truly thought that folding up the grocery bags was worth a couple of bucks.

    1. Oh, I’m sorry.

      I so hate when I shatter illusions like that.

      No, i am not a cube of raibowy bubbles.

      I’m a fair-skinned woman with a camera for a face.

  11. You can guest post on my blog ANYTIME! At the rate I have been posting, a guest blog might provide the much needed CPR! I loved the drunk duck story. It reminds me of a time when someone tried to teach me how to reply to comments but I had sipped some wine… No seriously, very funny, well written and supports why we all think you’re great!!!

    You should make my Grand Marnier French Toast, it would be right up your alley!

    1. Umm…would be very interested in that Grand Marnier french toast recipe.

      I really actually love orange-flavored liqueur.

      And I’d be happy to guest post for you some time, wonderful lady.

      But I think I’ve saturated the internets enough for this week, don’t you think?

      I mean, I really don’t want to be overexposed. I’ll end up like the Snookie of blog-land.

  12. I think for being deathly ill, managing to pump out posts like superwoman, and throwing in some guest posts, too, you should get as many points as you could possibly allow yourself.

    The drunk duck was priceless. I’ll be over to check on Natalie and your guest post in the a.m. I need to go to bed since it’s almost 3am. I’m such an idiot.

    ::stops rambling and grudgingly hits “post comment”::

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