Torment

There was a package waiting for me yesterday when I got home.

I am under strict orders from Himself to NOT open any package that arrives from Amazon.

But this package was not from Amazon, it was a package from a friend who had sent me something nice.

Way nice.

Like, the thing that threatens to edge out my husband and children for favorite things in the world status, nice.

Chocolate.

And after sushi and buying the Christmas tree (the fresh, live, needle-shedding, sap-sticking but lovely-smelling tree), I decided I deserved to eat a wee bit of this gift my lovely friend sent me.

I opened the outer wrapper.

Easy enough. No thought involved, I was probably even reading an email as I did it.

I doubt I was even paying attention when I got to the inner wrapper.

Why should I?

It’s not like I haven’t unwrapped nineteen-trillion bars of chocolate in my life already. I am a pro. I can do this with my eyes closed. I can probably do it with my hands tied behind my back while singing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

This is one of my skillz, people. One of my mad skillz.

But after a few seconds of tugging I realized that the inner wrapper was not willingly submitting.

I did not yet have any exposed chocolate and it had easily been ten or twelve seconds by that point.

I looked down at the chocolate bar, confused, off-balance. Staring at the still-wrapped confection as if it had suddenly turned into a sea-cucumber in my hands.

I looked more closely.

There was…writing on the wrapper.

Ah, there’s a sweet spot where I should tear. Ok, that’s new. I’ve never needed instructions to open chocolate before, but there’s a first time for everything. My confidence is only moderately shaken, I’ll recover.

It’s chocolate for heaven’s sake. And ME.

I start tugging where the instructions on the wrapper tell me to.

Then I tug again.

And tug MORE.

Then I YANK! And PULL!

After after a mini-wrestling match where I don’t even have the benefit of wearing tights and purple leather bustier, I am no closer to the chocolate than I was before seeing the instructions!

I have THIS:
I have a tantalizing glimpse of the chocolate inside the wrapper, but I can’t get to it!

I know my friend did not intend to do this to me!

She is lovely beyond words, and knows me fairly well, and would not ever, ever, take some perverse glee in my frantic struggles with a piece of plastic wrap clearly designed by NASA to coat the space shuttle in for atmospheric re-entry that is trying to stand between me and CHOCOLATE.

I was weeping by this point. My professional status in jeopardy, I could hear the pundits in my head gloating over my fall from grace. “Pride goeth before a fall,” says one talking head. “She knew she was playing with fire, letting her training slip with grocery store candy,” says another.

But I still have one trick up my sleeve.

Scissors.

Know what else I have?

Opposable thumbs.

It wasn’t pretty. I’m not proud.

But at the end of the battle, the chocolate was mine.

Victory is so, so sweet.

37 comments

    1. I THINK they’re going for freshness with the hermetically sealed inner wrapper, but I’m still a little defensive so I’m not ready to give the benefit of the doubt yet.

      It’s Cocoa Comino.

      And it’s INCREDIBLE!

  1. Who the hell would package chocolate like that? That’s just evil.

    Oh, duh. Just answered my own question there.

    Must have been Dr. Evil packaging that chocolate.

    1. Dr. Evil Dark Chocolate with Caramel Crunch.

      Oh my god, that’s totally what it is!

      (I think they’re going for freshness, but I’m still bitter.)

  2. What the hell kind of chocolate was that? I mean, if it was really expensive chocolate, the kind you are supposed to eat slowly and relish, then maybe I could understand. Or not. What the hell? Chocolate is supposed to be inhaled, right?

    1. Well, that’s normally how *I* eat chocolate.

      But this…this…

      Ok. Silver lining. THIS was an exercise in patience.

      Because no way was I NOT getting to the chocolate.

  3. I know that chocolate!!! It is THE BEST CHOCOLATE, which flavor was it? Was it the Hazelnut & Currant? Tell us, give us some, waaaaa! Oh best part? That whole chocolate bar is ‘only’ two servings.

    Your pundits are meaner than my pundits.

  4. Lol!! You can make anything funny! It is just evil to see it and not get to it. The triumph of success makes it so much sweeter. I want a friend that sends chocolate. Where do you find one of those? ;)

    1. LOL!

      I confess, this is THE FIRST time my chocolate has ever come with instructions.

      But, at the end of struggle, when the eating happened….soooooo worth the effort.

    1. ACK!

      That’s like…like…the stuff nightmares are made of!

      Did you go into counseling? Are you still suffering from PTSD?

      Oh, the humanity…

    1. Well, there’s the kind of dieting where you start off fine and full of all sorts of good intentions and end with fourteen empty boxes of hostess chocolate donettes hidden under your bed by the end of day two.

      I bet I could market that diet.

  5. I think packaging is getting harder and louder. I can’t sneak into the kitchen and eat something behind my guys back without a blow torch and a dome of silence.

  6. wow, new packaging. That is CRAZY. Don’t they understand the instant gratification requirements of chocolate lovers?

    You should go check out chocomize.com – customizable chocolate bars. you would love ’em.

  7. One wouldn’t think that nuclear-weapon proof packaging would be necessary for Chocolate of all things. Thank God you have scissors, is all I can say.

    And oh, it looked quite yummy….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s