The Next Assault

Ok everyone.

I have a plan.

You knew it was just a matter of time, right?

And whoever tried to call in an increase to my prescription?

STOP HELPING!

So let’s review.

There is Too Much Merriment in the land of the Pumpkin Tramp.

And I already played the Nimbus card.

So after careful research, planning, and consultation with my astrologer, I have developed a New Assault Strategy.

Let’s consider our heroine for a moment.

Mild mannered.

Civil.

Gorgeous but in a totally non-showy way.

Gentle.

Ahem.

I SAID GENTLE!!

Thank you. Much better.

This heroine is just not the type to launch an assault on her show-offy, clearly trying to beat her at her own game, neighbor.

So I’ve created an alter-ego.

Presenting:

Is this not BRILLIANT??

Ninjas are the perfect alter-ego for this job! Stealthy, sneaky, ruthless. And THEY don’t make noise by falling down when the rubber sole of their slipper drags on the carpet.

Let me demonstrate the sheer awesomocity of this plan.

Now that I’ve got the necessary secret identity I can execute my plan.

I wait until there’s a moonless night…

Stand motionless and statue-like (as opposed to all the highly mobile statues) in the shadows.

Because you need shadows, darkness AND moonless nights for maximum Ninja effectiveness.

But I don’t expect you to know that, not being Ninjas and all.

That’s what you have ME for. (And get ready for the informational link to this website that uses this post to teach kids about martial arts.)

And then, when the lighting is perfect in its lacking-therof, when the quiet of the night has reached its peak…I strike!!

Whhhhoooooossshhhhhh!!!

What…what is that??

I hear you cry.

Here, put on these handy night-vision goggles that I  have on hand just for you.

And in a split second I am gone. A whisper of wind against the darkened pavement.

And then, instead of her glorious perfection, she’ll have this:

It is entirely possible that Santa will be calculating the number of times I need to be reincarnated before he visits my house again.

But it’ll be so, so, so, so worth it.

95 comments

  1. Use your ninja skills to help me…steal your neighbor’s furnace, ours decided to give out…and it’s 10 degrees in Kentucky. Awesome.

    I think I need some medication too. Is it wrong to put that on your list to Santa?

  2. Ha! I love it! Hit her where it hurts–in her design’s symmetry!

    & to Nicole who commented above: 10*? It is 1* in my part of Kentucky right now! I love it, but, in my case, my furnace seems to be fine. Hope you get it fixed before the next storm comes through tomorrow!

    1. I saw that post! Who knew that that one comment by Santa was going to launch a whole new branch of criminality – Naked Crime.

      The only problem is…um…it’s cold at night!

      I mean, I don’t live in 10 degree Kentucky, but it does get down to 30 at night, and that’s cold!!

      Shivery heiney!

  3. Oh, how I love you Ninja-Lori.
    Only you would realize that to completely ruin her display, you needn’t take all of it, you need only make it asymmetrical to bring her to her knees.
    Brilliant! Bravo!

    1. Yes yes! Am I not hugely clever!!

      I mean, that’s all it would take to turn it into a disaster for ME.

      And I figure she and I are probably cut from the same cloth.

    1. Oh, I love her! I discovered (yeah…after a million OTHER people did) her a month or so ago.

      We actually use the same illustrating program, but…uhhh….I do NOT know how she does what she does.

      My mouse hand is nowhere near coordinated enough to get the quality she does.

      I am envious.

  4. I’m totally pissing my pants and NOW i know what happened to my snowman!Bwahahaha! Thanks for the giggle.I so needed this on this freezing my arse off, up to my eyeballs in stress morning!Go Ninja Lori Go!

  5. Um…yea. Slight issue here, bases.

    Whilst I support your plan wholeheartedly, I wonder if she wouldn’t just pass it off as some nuvo-cool artistic take on Christmas decor.

    Sort of like PURPOSELY off centre, unbalanced because of the inustice of world poverty or something?

    Just saying it may need more than just the one snowman lifting…

    Your loving partner in sabotage,

    – B x

    P.S. I was totally reading your page when you commented on mine. Kyoot.

    1. We are of the kismet-star-crossed variety, clearly.

      I am hanging my hat here on her being so hugely OCD that her asymmetrical snowmen cause a gasket to be blown.

      Because those pumpkins were measured with a friggin’ slide rule, I’m sure.

  6. Dear Lori,
    I’m a little perturbed with you. I have been trying to be more organized and schedule-ly all week and hilarious posts like this? Are soooo not helping! Your totally making me eat into my folding laundry time- because niccole from in these small moments tweeted that you had ninjas- and I was all what?! ninjas, where? And this made me laugh so much I had to read back some and just now? pretty sure I saw a post who’s title is all princess bride. Yeah I’m gonna have to be here a while. Hrmph. Also- Thanks :D

    1. Dearest Loveliest Lydia –

      Please forgive me for destroying your morning. And while I do LOVE me some Princess Bride, I’m not sure I ever titled a post that way (which is utterly dumb of me) so I think WP was trying to lure you somewhere else.

      DON’T GO!!

      STAY HERE WHERE IT’S…uhh…CRAZY.

      Cause really that’s the only adjective I’ve got going for me at the moment.

      But it’s a happy crazy.

      I’m glad you’re here!

  7. I, for one, support the whore skirt. We whore skirt-wearers have to stick together.
    And the naked crime? Think what your COLD NAKED boobs could do? Yeah, you could hang those wreathes on them and still have your hands free for some major ninja-ness!

    1. Good lord…do they even MAKE wreaths that big?

      Cause that’s all I need is ANOTHER foundation garment that doesn’t come in my size.

      I have cute-lingerie envy.

      *sigh*

  8. Ha! You have destroyed the symmetry! A subtle, yet crushing blow! Nicely done, Ninja Lori.

    Plus? The ninja outfit? Might come in handy with Himself, if you know what I mean! *Wink wink* nudge nudge*

  9. Hahaha! I am only just discovering your many talents. Oh and “A whisper of wind against the darkened pavement.” — Were you out and about in my hood last night, Ninja Lori??

    1. It seems that we may indeed be cut from the same cloth.

      But I haven’t worked through my anger issues there yet.

      So she would probably be wise to refuse any gift of food I might make just yet.

  10. I felt like I was watching a movie! A very good movie! I especially loved the challenge of finding Ninja Lori as she ran away with the snowman. I am so impressed that snowman stayed in one piece as you made your getaway. It’s probably because you run so fast, nothing has time to fall. I am in awe of you, big sis.

  11. Love it…yes, ruining the symmetry would do her in!! Because we know Martha would hate to have things asymmetrical (especially holiday decorations) and, if she’s like you, then she’s trying to score those points too…I vote for DO IT!! Now, do we know when the next moonless night is???

  12. Omg. Lol.

    I love your new hairdo and trampy skirts. Just saying.

    This is such a great plan. Though now I’m worried about the cement. Hmm…. This may require a new ninja plan unless your karate chop to demolish it. :)

  13. Love this! Ninja Lori (NL) should also pull out a few lights from every string so the strings short. She’ll keep trying to fix them, NL keeps shorting them. Tramp goes crazy, ends up in a psychiatric ward – problem permanently solved.

  14. I have obviously missed the build-up, is this the Pumpkin Neighbor (need I even ask)? This is too funny – especially the picture of Ninja Lori running away with the snowman. Where does Ninja Lori go with her melting little man? To the Ninja Safe Haven, I’m sure.

    1. It’s a plastic light-up snowman.

      I should have reviewed that in this post.

      Cause in my head everyone always reads every word that I write and commits it to memory for later reference.

      Yes, yes I know…looking for the prescription bottle NOW.

      And it IS pumpkin neighbor.

      Which just damned annoys me.

      1. The picture that popped into my head of you sneaking all ninja like with the quiet cheer section running & jumping beside you had me ROFL.

        Thanks. :)

  15. I knew you had it in you. I’m just impressed that you brought out the Ninja stuff…that’s some serious stuff there, my friend.

    “Gorgeous but in a totally non-showy way.” This is SO you, by the way. But you do rock that Ninja outfit in an awesome Kill Bill sorta way.

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