Life Under the Fridge

Or, How to Spend Your Last Day of Vacation

Imagine you got a stocking stuffer. Yay! Happy happy!

Presents are one of my favorite things.

Seriously people, take notes.

In the stocking, you find a little test tube with a tag on it that says “Cat Torturing Device.”

You laugh. Ha! say you, being the nitwit you sometimes are.

In the little package is a robot “bug.” It’s just a little electronic gizmo that skitters around the floor. It bounces off obstacles and changes course.

Here is a picture.

And on the last day of your vacation, as you and your husband spend just a couple of hours alone relaxing before launching into the Wonder-fest that is sure to be 2011, you decide to turn the bug on and put it on the floor to torture the cats entertain yourself.

You, in your truly monumental idiocy, put this on the kitchen floor. You laugh as the cats chase the two bugs around. (Did I mention there were two? This is how much your mother loves you.) They are clearly disturbed but also highly amusing.

You know that the bug doesn’t fit under the fridge, so you just watch – you bloody moron – as the bug bounces around and the cat whaps at it.

And since you are neck-and-neck with your average tuft of dryer lint for brains, you do not have the foresight to consider that the cat – the cat who put clawmarks in the finish of your car, for god’s sake – might be strong enough to bat the bug under the refrigerator.

Cause he does. He so does.

You worthless waste of molecules.

Now the little oscillating electronic gizmo is trapped under the refrigerator. And without the Incredible Hulk Cat under there to bat it back out, that’s just where it’s going to goddamn stay, isn’t it? You can hear it buzzing and clattering against the…whatever the hell is on the underside of a refrigerator…like an angry little criminal shouting for a lawyer and a pack of cigarettes.

Not to worry, says the husband who returns to the kitchen with a dowel to scoot the hostile little microvibrator out from under the nether-regions of the Kenmore side-by-side.

Sweep…sweep…

And now the buzzing sound has become muffled, more remote.

What the frak?

Note: This is one of those posts where I would like to swear on my blog. This is one of those posts where this previous decision to generally avoid words of the four letter variety – which liberally punctuate my spoken language, let’s be clear – is FRIGGING HAMPERING MY EXPRESSION. Because there is NO TIME ON THE BLASTED PLANET where you would like to swear more than when you have just JAMMED A VIBRATING TOY UP YOUR REFRIGERATOR’S ARSE.

But I made the decision, I now have to live with it.

At this point you – in your dazzling display of ineptitude –  have no choice but to actually tilt the refrigerator back in order to try to retrieve the bug.

But with only two adults in the house there is really only so far backwards a full-sized appliance can be tilted before you are simply this year’s best contender for the Darwin Awards. (But since you’ve already had three kids between the two of you – although how the hell you ever managed to insert tab A into slot B is by  now a full-fledged mystery -you technically wouldn’t qualify.)

Once the fridge is tilted backwards the five inches you can manage without risking your life and your hardwood floors, you realize that the wee buzzing electronic insect has been shoved over a small access panel by the dowel sweepage.

There is no way you are ever, EVER getting that thing out of there.

And so it is going to stay there, buzzing, clinking in hypered frenzy against the metal underworkings of the refrigerator until its batteries die.

You great shuffling heap of imbecility.

There is only one thing to do in this situation.

Crack open a bottle of wine and turn the volume up on the television.

Oooh…A “Closer” marathon. Score!

47 comments

  1. One time my dog knocked a treat under the fridge while I was making him work for it…cause he doesn’t get treats for free…and he sat by the fridge for days. It was like he was keeping vigil for the little treat….he’s a gluttonies boob and would do anything for food.
    I made the man get it out…not because I felt bad for the dog…I didn’t want that thing growing mould. Cause that? Would have sucked.

  2. Wait, you mean reproducing is an automatic exclusion from the Darwin Awards?? *#@*#!! My kids ruin everything! *sulking*

  3. Those little critters not only work for torturing cats, but little brothers as well.

    Because of your experience, I will make sure to keep all torture out of the kitchen. The last thing my POS fridge needs is a bug up it’s arse!

  4. I can understand your desire to use the forbidden “words of the four letter variety” and I commend you for that effort; unfortunately I think the terms “micro-vibrator” and “nether regions” are going to put you in that category anyway (you know how some of these tweeps think)..

    Very funny post! Thanks for sharing!!

    Just curious, do you think these would work on a SIL that hates bugs? ;)

  5. This is great, I thought these kind of things only happened, and were drowned out by wine, in my house. First time visiting, so glad twitter sent me your way. Looking forward to reading more.

  6. Please tell me how to get my paws on one of those cat torturers. I would thoroughly enjoy tormenting Harryboy with it.

    And I hear you on the underside of the refrigerator. I had to “go there” when our dwarf hamster, Twinkle, escaped a few months ago. It’s horrifying what’s under there.

  7. So, you can still blame your husband for this, right? Since he shoved it into the fridge’s bad-touch place with that dowel?
    This toy looks awesome for torturing cats, except for our place is all carpet except for the kitchen.
    And you know, you can’t play with it in the kitchen, it might get stuck under the fridge.

  8. Excellent. Now I know what to get my dad for his next gift-giving occasion. Hee. Hehehehehehehehe.

    Altho, I have to say, I feel kind of bad for the fridge…having its orifice forcibly violated by a vibrating bug & all. Men need to learn to be more careful when jamming their dowels around like that. Really.

  9. My little cat puts things under appliances for fun. She then howls at us until we retrieve them. I don’t think I will purchase these bugs. Just sayin’.

  10. Ah yes, the Hex Bug. I knew exactly what it was before you even showed a picture. We put one in Boy Wonder’s stocking. He loves it, and it kind of creeps me out a bit. It really looks like a bug. I cannot IMAGINE the bat-you-know-what that thing does to a cat.

    The battery can’t be that big. Is it dead yet?

  11. Have the batteries died yet? I was cracking up reading this!

    And um, sometimes when people who don’t cuss on their blogs chose to do so, it has more of an impact. ;)

  12. DUDE. That is so awesome. Please update on the length of the buzzing.

    Makes me recall this weekend, when the hubs found a laser pen. He turned it on, flashed it around for the baby to try and grab at.

    When did our children become cats?

  13. Oh my god. That is hysterical. Only because we also have those bugs, given to my boys by my mother, in their stocking. And yes, one has made it’s way under the fridge. Only, instead of “sweeping at it” with a dowel, we rolled the fridge out from the wall and rescued it (and my sanity).

  14. I laughed so loud that I interrupted my 3 year old watching Sid the Science Kid.

    He looked at me with a disgusted face and asked, “What’s so funny!?”

  15. Oh wow, is it still buzzing? Our cousin got a set of them for her birthday, she opened them up, started to play with them and the dog ate them. True story.

  16. I think the fact that you have made the decision to not use four letter words on your blog only heightens the humor, because it forces you to be creative and find other ingenious words to express yourself. Awesome. And hilarious. Thanks, as always, for the laugh.
    Happy 2011

  17. 1. This totally out-annoys the digital key finder I was bequeathed for Xmas, which is over-sensitive and responds to even a faint whisper, which is really useful in a house full of small children.

    2. This is why I don’t have cats. They’re smarter than us and they know it. Your cat was punishing you.

    3. You should attach a little Swiffer pad to it next time – clean under some shit.

  18. After this was said, “you have just JAMMED A VIBRATING TOY UP YOUR REFRIGERATOR’S ARSE.”…there is nothing else I can add.

    Especially since I am laughing so hard right now.

    (Even though you didn’t say the cuss words, I felt them. Strong. )

  19. I’m laughing right now!! I would use LOL but I kinda hate using that acronym.

    Those little robotic creatures are apparently the gift sensation this year for boys 5 and older…who knew!

    I hope that little bugger has died by now…that would drive me insane too!

  20. Since I have had cats in the past, I can totally see the benefit of driving them crazy with this insane toy.

    Since my fridge harbors all sort of horrid dust bunnies, dried macaroni noodles, and used rubber bands under it I can understand how said insane toy became lodged for all eternity.

    I am sending several bottles of wine, and a lifetime subscription to “24” reruns, which should be loud enough to dull the noise.

    And I may pray for you.

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