If You Want A Job Done Right…

Many of you have asked for an update on the “Promoting Lori to the Queen of All Things” movement. And by “asked” I of course mean “with your eyes and your longing looks.”

You know I’m a sucker for your longing looks.

The minutes of the last executive meeting show that while there was a motion to order the next pizza with extra cheese, ham and pineapple, I do not yet see that a formal nomination for “Lori – Queen Goddess Extraordinaire” has been made.

So while I’m a sucker for the longing looks, I am gonna knock some heads if someone doesn’t get ON that.

But let’s be forward thinking.

When I become the Ruler of All I will need a tiara.

But not just any tiara.

Not a boring tiara.

Not a pedestrian tiara.

That is so not me.

I  need jewels. Bling.

And  a few….accessories.

First, let’s review a typical tiara.

Now this is certainly a nice specimen. Jewels, glamor, for any regular queen this would be perfectly adequate.

But this is ME.

So first, let’s think about what I’m going to need after a late night of signing decrees, having homage paid, blessing the masses and rejoicing with the peasants.

Yes, some caffeine. AT THE READY, PEOPLE!

We do not mess around. Mornings are a bitch after a heavy night of reigning.

But later, of course, after a long, hard day of proclamations and scepter waving a Queen needs to unwind. Which means the tiara ALSO needs:

Do I  have THE most brilliant queendom or WHAT?

Right. So now I have my coffee to wake up, and my cocktail to unwind.

But a Queen has to keep in touch with her subjects, doesn’t she? And she CANNOT abide dead zones, dropped calls or Tweets that fail to update.

So, of course, I need:


I love the wireless age, don’t you?

So I think we’re almost there.

But something’s missing.


I think we can all agree…


I will be copyrighting this design.

Or…patenting this design.

Something. There will be some legal protection for this design. I don’t care if it’s adoption agreement.

Uh..and, I’m sorry…this is so awkward, but I’ll need you all to sign this little non-disclosure agreement.

Cause we simply can NOT have this getting out.


  1. If I sign on as a Lady In Waiting, can I choose one feature for my veiled and pointy hat?

    Also: I have Lady In Waiting skillz, Lori. I played one in a high school production of Once Upon A Mattress. And I had a line.

    You want me in your court. You know you do.

  2. This made me giggle.

    I think, tho, you should add an MP3 player, of your choosing OF COURSE, so you can boogie some.

    Every queen needs to boogie some, ya know! ; )

  3. In centuries to come, when the reign of Queen Lori is but a legend of King Arthur’s proportions. This tiara, will be the new lost diadem. The holy grail of rulers.
    We will drink our cosmo’s from the Heavens and watch, like it’s the game show channel.

      1. I have to agree with Cheryl here, having seen Lori in person.

        Maybe some sort of tassels, with arrows on the actual tiara pointing down?

        Or one of those Madonna cone-bras, which could be bedazzled like the tiara. But with no cup holders.

  4. LOVE that tiara! You definately should be the queen of the universe. I like the lady-in-waiting idea. You could choose some of us. Although I’m woefully underqualified, I could learn??

  5. Illustrated post. YAY!

    I am a little concerned by the fact that you eat pineapple on your pizza. My mom does it too, and I have never understood it.

    That is my kind of tiara right there.

  6. It looks good but I have to wonder if it wouldn’t be hella awkward to wear. Maybe you should go with a jeweled bustier with golden pockets that hold blinged out containers for those things.

    But keep the antenna on the tiara.

  7. Might I suggest some sort of waterproof hat to go on under that tiara. Cause walking around with a bunch of cups and glasses strapped to your head is bound to get a bit messy.

    Also, the very first thing I thought of when I saw the first picture – Why that looks like upside down bejeweled underwear!

    Other than that – All hail Queen iPimp!

  8. Does the tiara make the beverages as well? Or is there a tacit assumption that there will be minions for such tasks?

    …Might I also add that I was a barista a few years back & could be counted on as a loyal Mocha Minion….

  9. My fave posts of yours happen to be the illustrated ones. You’re going to sell the crowns to the rest of us…just smaller ones so everybody will always know you’re the Queen. And you have to add KLZ’s earmuffs.

  10. You should work in blinged out straws so you don’t have to reach up to get your drinks and a bejeweled sleep mask to make sleeping in your tiara easier.

  11. Ok. Signed. I will not copy or share your tiara design. Instead, I will create my own East Coast version with attached bagel toaster necklace and hidden fleece skull cap. There was a blizzard today! (And I love a well-toasted bagel).

  12. We need to make sure there are Krazy Straws stretching from the drinks to the Mouth of Queenly Awesomeness… but I ain’t doin’ shit-all til I see some action on my motion to add banana peppers to the pizza!

  13. But now I want one too!!! Awe.Does this mean you won’t be opening an etsy shop & selling these to the masses? Ok.(but your followers should get to wear stuff too!)

  14. I see a new career in your future. Children’s book illustrator. If those are peanut m&m’s then I’m putting an order. How did you know Lori? How did you know my hearts deepest desires? Uncanny…

  15. wait a minute…

    “Mornings are a bitch after a heavy night of reigning.”

    what sort of “reigning” are you doing if it requires the entire night to do?

    High Five to Himself.

    And I agree with the others here…your boobs? They need their own bedazzle.

  16. I think once you adopt/patent/copyright/whatever that tiara, you must start selling them on your blog.

    And please don’t forget to let us all know when you start interviewing for ladies-in-waiting.

  17. I love this! It’s like the male version of the beer helmet. Only pretty.

    Although I’m hoping you plan on finishing the coffee before you fill up the Cosmo. ‘Cause after downing one of those, I personally wouldn’t want any hot liquids resting on my head.

  18. OK, drinks on my head?

    I would so spill them, and then appear significantly less regal.

    I am thinking that in my kingdom? I need a tool belt.

    Tool belts are much easier to strap things onto.


  19. OMG. Tears. TEARS! Laughter….waking up my sick family with my laughter that turns to snorts and more tears. This is priceless. I, too, nearly lost it when I got to strap-on.

    I agree with whomever suggested the mp3 player. It would be perfect.

    *two thumbs up* lmao!

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