The Scrub Yer Arse Off Soundtrack

Cleaning sucks.

There. I said it. I don’t care how many points it costs me. I CANNOT pretend it’s fun. I can’t fake enjoying it. I’m not playing the part of Meg Ryan in “When Hairy Toilet Bowls Met Sally.”

My sponsors will be pulling out right and left.

PS – Sponsors, please call me so when I say things like that I am not a delusional, lying bag-o-crapola.

However, all is not lost. Hope can still be found if we only look under the sofa. Or under the abandoned bottle of shampoo in the guest bathroom.

Hope, in this case, found in the shape of a kick-ass soundtrack.

There is very little that can’t be conquered if only we are shaking our money-makers in time with some funky, get-down-on-your-knees-and-scrub-it-like-you’re-takin’-it-home-to-mama, soulful tunes.

Now, there are more songs on this earth than you can shake a toilet brush at, so it’ll be more effective to make some selections using the criteria: Songs Most Likely to Keep Me From Abandoning the Task at Hand in Favor of a Drunken Stupor.

Our top categories tonight are:

God Almighty Get Me Through This Quickly
For the time when every moment counts, when each second spent on the heinous activity in front of you risks your sanity and the contents of your stomach, these songs are perfect to accommodate your Need for Speed.

  • Let’s Go Crazy – The Artist Who May Possibly Again Be Known as Prince, or Possibly Edgar.
  • Goody Two Shoes – Adam and the Ants Invading my Kitchen
  • Livin’ La Vida Loco – Ricky Martin (Shut with the up already, I GET THE IRONY!)

The Rhythm Method
There are times when a steady, even pace gets you through the job at hand. Like the coxswain (can ANYONE explain that term to me in a way that doesn’t make me think of adult films?) on the crew team, something that pounds the beat into your head can be just what the doctor ordered to get that bathroom spick-and-span.

  • Heard it Through the Grapevine – Marvin Gaye and the California Dancing Raisins
  • Bad to the Bone – George Thoroghgood (Alternative title: Worn to the Bone, or What the Hell Is In this Cleanser?)
  • I Want A New Drug (Cause the Prozac Ain’t Cuttin’ It) – Huey Lewis and the News

The Big Questions
These songs are the perfect counterpoint for those times when you are howling that exhausted, grime-encrusted cry into the vastness of the universe, “WHY are the children leaving their underwear here?” Or, “WHEN will my husband learn where we keep the washing machine,” or that age old classic, “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHAT IS THIS STAIN??”

  • All I Really Want (Is a Housekeeper and a Yacht) – by Alanis Morissette
  • Why Don’t We Burn All This Sh*t In the Road – The Beatles (Note: Not the release title.)
  • What the Hell – Avril Lavigne  (Self Explanatory, I would think.)

So the next time your bathroom sink resembles the porcelain fixtures that can be found in your favorite truck-stop, just load up your playlist with these selections and the Department of Health will take those tags off the front door in NO time.

And as an added bonus, here’s a link to one of my favoritest, honest-t0-goodness feel-good-songs of all time. Sadly not available on iTunes, I could only find it in dodgy YouTube video form. You Turn Me On, by The Ugly Americans. (Helpful Hint: If you like this song, do NOT rush out and buy their entire discography. This song, as far as I can tell, somehow made it past the band’s “Release nothing without rampant profanity, misogynistic imagery and enough angst to gag an Emo, Twilight-addicted sixteen-year-old” filter.)

31 comments

  1. Bwhahah!!
    I would like to add an ironic little tune…
    Glamorous by Fergie “I’m so rich bitches that I can hire someone to fan my ass when I fart so there is no way in he double hockey sticks that I will ever clean my own house” Ferg.
    Yup, being elbow deep in toilet grime is the “glamorous” lifeof a mom ;)

  2. What the hey? How is it your writing just keeps getting better and better… and you manage to do it with a topic like toilet bowl cleaning? I prefer to play delusional songs like Life Is A Highway, and It’s Going To Be Good Good Night to get me through the grime. I’ve always been a dreamer.
    Dana

  3. do you need your songs to have a consistent rhythm? Cuz that’s how I am with running music. I tend to keep with the beat, and if one is too fast and then the next one, slow, it messes me up.

  4. Personally, I like to clean to the Estrogen Rage Soundtrack. I crank up Pink and the Donnas and Debbie Harry and Fiona Apple and howl my way around the house. Ideally, I’d do this buck naked in stilettos, but I think I’d scare myself then.

  5. Oh! That is what the sign is they posted on the door!

    I hate cleaning too. Especially my husband’s bathroom. How does he get it so disgusting? I am big on cleaning to the music too, though I like stuff I can sing with.

    Though, for some strange reason? I like cleaning while watching football. They replay anything good.

    And yes the sign on the door is a joke. I think. :)

  6. Very nice! I agree with all of your categories and song suggestions too! My favorite beat-keeping song while cleaning, though, is LoveStoned by Justin T imberlake. I get down (and dirty) with my bad self on that one.

  7. Crap. I need to go clean my damn house. But I’m laughing too hard at the line “Why are the kids leaving their underwear here” to pick up a toilet brush.
    I’m sure my husband will understand.
    If not, I’ll make him read this post…
    Thanks for the perfect excuse.

  8. How did you know I needed to clean? Is that you lurking in my bushes, staring into my home?

    I would like to make a suggestion. I think you should replace the Adam Ant song with his other song Strip. Instead of thinking about some goody two shoes, I think both you and I know we like a good horny song full of perversion while our heads are inside a toilet, right?

  9. I love that we are in sync with so many elements of life, and this is just another example. I don’t mind cleaning actually, but only if I am unencumbered by children creating a tornado where I’ve just cleaned, and I’m able to blast some great tunage. And I have to say, a lot of your choices would also be on my playlist! I don’t know why, but the soundtrack to “Cruel Intentions” is my go-to album. Though now that I don’t have to play a whole CD, I just set iTunes on random. Now if I can just find the TIME to clean….

  10. Cleaning to music. That sounds wonderful!
    I’m sure it’d only take me 2 or 3 hours to come up with a perfect playlist. Then I’d have less time left for actual cleanage.
    Works out very well! Thanks for the hint!

  11. Why does the category, “The Big Questions”, make the most sense to me?

    I think the song “I’m On The Road To Nowhere” or the theme song to “The Twilight Zone” (the 1960’s version) aptly describes the way I feel when I look in my teen age daughter’s closet. Or the opening credits to the original Star Wars: “In a galaxy far, far away…”

    Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

  12. Another totally ironic pick is Aretha Franklin’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but there isn’t anything better to make MH shake her booty better while she’s scrubbing the coop floor!
    Mother Hen

  13. I love this….I find that total avoidance works for me! I forgo an expensive dinner and I make my dirty house someone else’s problem. Harsh? Yes. Effective? Yes.

    You crack me up!

  14. I am so going to check out that song, for I adore good song suggestions.

    And you will definitely find me shaking my money maker to songs as I’m tortured. Er I mean cleaning.

    My suggestion: “Mercy”, by Duffy. You’ll shake it, too. Go check it out; you won’t be disappointed.

  15. I would love for you to start offering this mix CD next to your mug! You had me with the first set….especially the Prince and Adam Ant songs (yes young readers, I remember them when they were newly released).

    Oh, you have so made me WANT to clean toilets now, Lori! It’ll be fun, now! And possibly, exercise?? One can hope.

  16. Holy cheese, you’re reading my mind. Or I’m reading your mind. Or something. Either way, creepy.

    I was just contemplating yesterday, for 3 straight hours, doing a post about music that would be great to put food on your face to.

    However, I’d like to add the song Soul Sloshing by Venus Hum to each of your lists, because it’s super happy and you can’t be pissed about cleaning or anything at all really when you’re listening to it.

  17. I’m sorry what now? Cleaning sucks?

    Where is my friend Lori? Cheerful and sweet Lori gleefully in Pursuit of Martha Points (and presumably Martha’s seal of approval) What have YOU done with HER?

  18. When I was a kid–I thought my mom just loved to clean. She was after all doing it fairly frequently and then I grew up and my mom told it to me straight, Cleaning Sucks.

    Fun Post.

  19. Where is the housekeeper?! I thought you were on the slippery slope! I can’t talk about my bathrooms, other than to say that seems appropriate is “Burning Down the House!”

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