There. I said it. I don’t care how many points it costs me. I CANNOT pretend it’s fun. I can’t fake enjoying it. I’m not playing the part of Meg Ryan in “When Hairy Toilet Bowls Met Sally.”
My sponsors will be pulling out right and left.
PS – Sponsors, please call me so when I say things like that I am not a delusional, lying bag-o-crapola.
However, all is not lost. Hope can still be found if we only look under the sofa. Or under the abandoned bottle of shampoo in the guest bathroom.
Hope, in this case, found in the shape of a kick-ass soundtrack.
There is very little that can’t be conquered if only we are shaking our money-makers in time with some funky, get-down-on-your-knees-and-scrub-it-like-you’re-takin’-it-home-to-mama, soulful tunes.
Now, there are more songs on this earth than you can shake a toilet brush at, so it’ll be more effective to make some selections using the criteria: Songs Most Likely to Keep Me From Abandoning the Task at Hand in Favor of a Drunken Stupor.
Our top categories tonight are:
God Almighty Get Me Through This Quickly
For the time when every moment counts, when each second spent on the heinous activity in front of you risks your sanity and the contents of your stomach, these songs are perfect to accommodate your Need for Speed.
- Let’s Go Crazy – The Artist Who May Possibly Again Be Known as Prince, or Possibly Edgar.
- Goody Two Shoes – Adam and the Ants Invading my Kitchen
- Livin’ La Vida Loco – Ricky Martin (Shut with the up already, I GET THE IRONY!)
The Rhythm Method
There are times when a steady, even pace gets you through the job at hand. Like the coxswain (can ANYONE explain that term to me in a way that doesn’t make me think of adult films?) on the crew team, something that pounds the beat into your head can be just what the doctor ordered to get that bathroom spick-and-span.
- Heard it Through the Grapevine – Marvin Gaye and the California Dancing Raisins
- Bad to the Bone – George Thoroghgood (Alternative title: Worn to the Bone, or What the Hell Is In this Cleanser?)
- I Want A New Drug (Cause the Prozac Ain’t Cuttin’ It) – Huey Lewis and the News
The Big Questions
These songs are the perfect counterpoint for those times when you are howling that exhausted, grime-encrusted cry into the vastness of the universe, “WHY are the children leaving their underwear here?” Or, “WHEN will my husband learn where we keep the washing machine,” or that age old classic, “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHAT IS THIS STAIN??”
- All I Really Want (Is a Housekeeper and a Yacht) – by Alanis Morissette
- Why Don’t We Burn All This Sh*t In the Road – The Beatles (Note: Not the release title.)
- What the Hell – Avril Lavigne (Self Explanatory, I would think.)
So the next time your bathroom sink resembles the porcelain fixtures that can be found in your favorite truck-stop, just load up your playlist with these selections and the Department of Health will take those tags off the front door in NO time.
And as an added bonus, here’s a link to one of my favoritest, honest-t0-goodness feel-good-songs of all time. Sadly not available on iTunes, I could only find it in dodgy YouTube video form. You Turn Me On, by The Ugly Americans. (Helpful Hint: If you like this song, do NOT rush out and buy their entire discography. This song, as far as I can tell, somehow made it past the band’s “Release nothing without rampant profanity, misogynistic imagery and enough angst to gag an Emo, Twilight-addicted sixteen-year-old” filter.)