And the Chicken Has No Head*

Or, Excerpts from My Dinner With Andre
(For tonight’s performance, the part of Andre will be played by three hyperactive teenagers.)


That’s so sad.

What’s sad?

The chicken doesn’t have a head.

You would rather I cooked chickens with their heads still on?

No, it’s just…it’s bad for the chicken.

Honey, I think being DEAD is bad for the chicken.



Bubbles? Bubbles are bad. Why are there bubbles?


Where’s the plunger?

Under the sink.

It’s NOT under the sink.

Well, it’s SUPPOSED to be under the sink. That plunger is NOT supposed to move.

Houston, we have a problem.

Turn it back on.

Should it make that noise?

Why is there all this water?

Look again, the plunger should be under the sink.

That’s not a logical argument.



I bet I can fit the rest of this in there!

Oops! Huh…I really thought I could fit all the rest of this in there.



What are you doing?

I need to move this.

Don’t pick that up!

I just need to throw it away.

Don’t pick that up!

It’s ok, it’s just going to drip a little.


It’ll be fine…


Why are there bubbles?


This was all dialogue from (or with) my kids at dinner Wednesday night. I fully intended to write about something else, but they were just too damned funny.

*Sorry, Mother Hen!


  1. If a headless chicken bothers them, definitely don’t make beer can chicken. Where you have to put that can in the chicken? It’s…. disturbing.

  2. Who needs ladies in waiting when you have a peanut gallery like that? The comments from your kids are pure comedy.

    Personally, I might have told them that the bubbles were caused from the chicken’s head that was stuffed down the disposal. But my kids are little, and would totally fall for that line.

  3. When I was giving birth to Carter, there were bubbles. I kept asking “Why are there bubbles? Where are they coming from?”

    No plunger, though.

    Which is not exactly the same as YOUR bubbles, but still, you made me think of that.

    Just thought I’d share.

    Your kids are a riot. Teenagers are like toddlers – the charming/funny/adorable things about them JUST barely outweighs the obnoxious/annoying/difficult things about them. Thank God.

  4. If you need a live chicken, I can send you one. Child A looks so much like you! Child C looks so much like himself too. What a good looking and funny family you have. I’d love to have dinner at your house.

  5. Your house? Sounds very fun, Lori! Even when inhabited by teenagers.

    But when the plunger gets in on the action in our house, it’s not pretty. So I hope it all turned out OK and that the chicken was tasty and worthy of many Martha Points.

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