Lori’s Rib

I would so love if that had anything to do with a Katherine Hepburn movie.

I would so love if anything about me suggested Katherine Hepburn.

I wear pants. That’s it. That’s as close to Katherine Hepburn as I am ever going to bloody get.

This has nothing to do with the lovely and gracious Katherine Hepburn.

I am limber.

And I know right now you’re smirking and nodding in a knowing way and thinking, “That Himself. He’s a lucky man.”

And ok, yes. He is a damned lucky man. But that’s not the kind of limber I’m talking about.

This kind of limber is a useless sort of limber.

I mean seriously…explain to me the evolutionary advantage of joints randomly popping out of place? Where in the survival of the species is that helpful? “Quick, Moog, that’s a saber tooth tiger! But you know, they HATE to eat things with bones all sticky-outy! Quick! Nursemaid’s elbow!”

Yep. Right. That’s what led us to be the dominant species. Some damn freakishly limber cavewoman causing a predator to choke to death on a dislocated humerus.

Which led to the peak of evolutionary biology….me.

Yes, I AM the woman in all those skinless illustrations.

I believe the medical term for my spinal column is: useless piece of elastic.

A rubber band propeller airplane has a more structural integrity than I do.

Think about your rib cage. You know, the one sitting there all tough and cage-like and protecting stuff like, oh I dunno…your vitalist organs!

Pound on that chest for me. Do your best Tarzan. BANG THAT RACK!

I bet every single one of your ribs stayed in place. Yep. I’m sure they did. Sitting right there over your lungs and your heart and…and…what the hell else is there? Your transmission. Your timing belt. I bet they did.

Now take a deep  breath. Really deep. Yawn like you’ve been watching PBS for three straight hours.

Now twist.

Any screaming? No? Doubling over? Nothing?

Yeah, I thought so. I so hate you right now.

My ribs dislocate. Out of my spinal column.

Did you even know they could do that?

I didn’t either! And I took a goddamned graduate level neuroanatomy course!

Wait…wait. That was bitter. Petty. Beneath me.

Let me focus…breathe…

OWWWWWW!!!!

My years of education and training and boatloads of experience all lead me to think that, in general, it shouldn’t hurt to breathe.

Because, also gleaned from my highly sophisticated training and education, I have noticed that people won’t DO THINGS if they HURT.

Which creates this little paradox when it hurts to breathe, because it makes me want to NOT.

And I’ve gotten used to a brain that benefits from the luxury of oxygen. I know, I’m a spoiled and privileged multi-celled vertebrate. So sue me.

Fortunately, Himself has learned how to re-insert my ribs, although when they’re being really stubborn he may have to repeat the process.

And the “process” of reinserting my rib is to pound the floor by reaching through my torso.

Yep. It is all kittens and glitter butterflies over in IPoMP land at the moment.

And I bet their damned ribs stay in place too.

I hate kittens and butterflies.

Today.

53 comments

  1. Awww, Lori, so sorry you’re hurting. My ribs don’t dislocate, but I get SEVERE chest pains occasionally to where I can’t breathe. I asked the doc what it was, she said the lining between my lungs and ribs gets irritated and inflamed, aka pleurisy. Nice. But now I know it could be 1000x worse. So thanks for putting that in perspective. :-) Feel better.

    1. That’s a horrible pain! I once had a virus where the cartilage between my ribs inflamed and that was horrible!

      Hope it goes away and leaves you alone forever.

  2. Ooh, that sounds horrible. Even you can make rib popping sound kinda funny…but I’m cringing for you, and Himself, who is a very brave man to realign ribs for you.

    He’s a keeper, but you already knew that, I do believe.

    1. He is indeed.

      And last night he brought me warm cookies and milk.

      AFTER the cocktails of course.

      Cause it was cocktails or percoset. I chose cocktails.

  3. Awww…well if it makes you feel any better, I’m 30 years old and my back is clocking in at a 90 year old woman who’s been dead and burried 7 feet under for about…ohhhh…say…15 years.
    It hurts when I fart.
    I dare not take in a deep breath. Dare. NOT.
    Gentle Hugs Lori…cause I’m afraid I’d break you and you’d break me.

  4. Ouch! Dang. I’ll trade you my stiff and surgified spine for your rubber-bandy one. I have hyper joints, myself. The hips are especially weird. Sometimes I’ll start to move and I have to wait for them to join me. Freaks of nature, unite!

  5. Um. Ow. That does not sound cool at all.

    If it makes you feel any better, I often F up my back during sex. Like the “I can’t walk completely upright for a couple days” kind of F up. And it’s not sexy sexy swinging from the chandeliers and hanging from appliances sex, either. Just plain old “quick! the kids are enthralled with Phinneas and Ferb” kind of sex.

    And yet I still do it. And it’s not even as important as breathing! Perhaps Himself can figure out a way to fix it? Some calk or something??

    1. Oh I am dying…you shouldn’t have made me laugh so hard (I actually read this on Friday.)

      1. It’s not fair that you hurt your back with typically sex. Hugely unfair.

      2. CAULK!!! *snorty snort snort!*

      1. It is hugely unfair. I concur.

        Also? I am sorry to have caused you painful convulsions in the midst of your rib malady. Didn’t think that one all the way thru…hehe

        And? I shouldn’t try to sneak in caulk jokes on the sly while I’m at work. It leads to gross misspellings. And I do hate misspellings. But not as much as starting sentences with conjunctions. That’s just low-class.

    1. Me neither! And I studied the damned anatomy!

      Also, need to get to your blog today to see how the sweet girl is doing. Fingers crossed for good news!

  6. That sounds all kinds of painful. ouch.

    I hope that you are feeling better now.

    You should watch Adam’s Rib, because that always makes me happy, as do most Katherine Hepburn movies. My favorite is Philadelphia Story (have you seen it?) it is movie perfection. So beautiful. Funny. It also has Carrey Grant and Jimmy Stewart in it. How great is that?

    I’m classic movie obsessed.

    1. I love all those movies!

      And Philadelphia Story is one of my all time faves.

      *sigh*

      Except the costuming. Who in the heck thought to put the amazing KH in an elf hat??

  7. Ow! Ow, ow, ow. I cannot imagine.

    For what it’s worth, I’m the least limber person on the planet. I got all A’s in gym class in high school, but D’s for flexibility. It’s crazy.

    1. You got a GRADE for flexibility???

      That’s like getting a grade for the size of your pancreas.

      That’s just stupid.

      Hmmph. All indignant on your behalf now.

  8. I think that your ancestors were from a country where people got tied up by bad guys all the time and had to escape. You inherited this trait from them, and you are supposed to be galavanting around the world on adventures with Indiana Jones. See, totally plausible reason!

    Sorry you are in pain. :)

    PS WordPress apparently doesn’t approve of galavanting. They’re so uptight!

  9. Dude, I know you’re in a shit load of pain right now, but that was effing hilarious. Hopefully your own posts don’t make you laugh too hard, because that could be a problem. Feel better soon, Gumbi!

    1. Am finally feeing better today!

      Yay!!

      And I’m glad it was funny. I needed funny. Or for people to find me funny.

      Cause the alternative was “pitiful” and i HATE that.

  10. I thought I was the only one! Mine occasionally pop out of place, though thankfully not as painfully as that. Usually there’s just a feeling of pressure or “wrongness” that wriggling about and pressing down on my ribcage will cause a “pop” and I’m fine again. Not anything I’ve ever had checked out since, of course, I don’t have health insurance. I just figured I was weird. That’s ok, we’re weird together. Or something. ;)

    1. Yes! Weirdness solidarity!

      As it should be.

      This was perhaps the worst episode I’ve had. The stupid thing wouldn’t stay put and had to be put back about five times, and by that point everything it around it was mad too.

      Sucky. Yes, totally sucky.

      And I hate that you don’t have health insurance. That is wrong on the human level.

      Thinking good healthy thoughts for you.

    1. Just for the day. Because THEY don’t have ribs that dislocate. I think.

      Although I did offer to ship Nimbus to someone as an alarm clock.

      I even tried to throw in a blender.

      They were wise though…so wise.

  11. I usually only laugh when my husband is in pain. I can’t believe you take the time to enterain us. I’ve never heard of such a thing. I do love it when you get saucy. How does this happen?

    1. The dislocating or the getting saucy?

      The dislocating happens for no reason whatsoever. Breathing, I think.

      Actually, sometimes when I reach for something oddly, sometimes if I sleep on it wrong.

      Stupid loose cartilage.

  12. Oh.My.God. I’m just getting to this post and now I know why you are hurting! I can’t even imagine that our ribs were intended to do this! You need some Super Glue or something, you just can’t go through life like this!

    Hope you’re on the mend soon….is there anything they can do? You know, the “They” that we all hope know these things?

    1. “They” want me to keep exercising so the muscles help keep everything in place more reliably.

      Of course, “They” also want me to eat fewer cheeseburgers.

      So clearly, “They” are idiots and we do not listen to them.

      (Except I really should.)

      *sigh*

  13. I try to be all respectful on other people’s blogs because you never know what is offensive to them, but there is no other appropriate reaction than:

    Get the Fuck out!!! Oh My Freakin’ Word. That is just bringing me to my knees at the thought of it.

    And I know how painful that must be. True story: I broke a rib last year, coughing. And no, I am not 1100 years old. I had a super awful virus where i thought I had the bubonic plague the coughing was so bad. I couldn’t work out for like two months, the pain was so bad.

    And dislocation? Get the fuck out. That’s all I have to say about that. Feel better.

    1. Broken ribs are worse.

      This sucker only hurts for a few days. And usually, stops hurting as soon as I get back in its damned place. This episode was way weird.

      But BROKEN..UGH! pain pain pain and NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

      Which, frankly, is wrong. Man on the moon and can’t fix broken rib pain???

      Stupid.

    1. Hmm…going on about five years, I think?

      And no…the only thing is to try and exercise regularly so things stay put.

      And…umm…I’ve been MEANING to….but…umm…well…I’ve been busy and all…

      And then there’s the hating it part.

      But I hated this too.

      So exercise may win, once I can move again.

  14. …but now that you’re no longer in pain, is it okay for us all to laugh about this? Because I can see an SNL spoof of Martha Stewart Living where Martha is demonstrating the elegant way to pop a guest’s ribs back in place at a formal brunch. It involves flowers, garden tools, lavender water, and craft felt. You get to be the guinea pig guest with the inconveniently dislocated, party pooping rib problem. :-)

  15. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.

    OW.

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