Lacy Unmentionables

I wish I had some.

I don’t.

Oh, I have ridiculous impractical things that are really Frederick’s of Hollywood meets The House of Dental Floss.

But those are for special occasions. Like “White Trash Day,” and for when we find a couch for free on the corner.

Those events occasionally coincide.

But here is one of those situations where there will be argument and anarchy because this is a grass is greener situation and I have grass that you will think is green, but as far as I’m concerned is dead, full of weeds, and ready to be replaced with something more attractive. Like broken glass or garden gnomes.

Let’s ponder the typical lingerie department.

There are lovely colors and florals. There are sexy silhouettes. There is lace. There are necklines plunging deeper than a Chilean coal miner.

Then there is the wall – it is always in the back – of the Foundation Garments.

Wagner envisioned these sorts of things for mountainously bosomed Helgas who would be singing first soprano while wearing a helmet with yak horns.

This is the wall I have to walk to.

There is no lace, there is spandex.

There are no pretty flowers, there is beige.

There are no sexy straps, there are flying buttresses.

I turn away from the wall and look at the sea of pretty things. Lacy things. Feminine things.

They all have padding.

With padding I am visible from space.

I turn back to face the Wall of 18 Hour Support and Whalebone.

I flick through the racks (no pun intended) hoping for something, anything, sexy. Or dainty. Or at least not suggestive of a plumber with a gland problem.

It is not to be.

Nope. I am destined for underwire and fortifications designed to withstand a 7.2 on the Richter scale. The Army Core of Engineers can only aspire to the kind of structural integrity that secret teams of German brassiere designers somehow manage to incorporate into a few square inches of spandex and polyester.

Yes, it’s true. You could transport a car across the English Channel in one of my bras. And not some whimpy import car. Detroit steel.

So while there may be those that are jealous, take comfort in knowing that while you envy me my cup size, I envy you your cups.

With their pretty flowers and their lace trimmed edges.

*sigh*

52 comments

  1. Yes. So yes. You will also find me back there with the steel cables of support.

    I always fall in love with some adorable balconette thing, only to discover they only go up to a “B” cup. Hmph.

    And every once in a while? I’d like to be visible from space. Like on my anniversary or when my boss is doing my review. There are times when I want to be confused with the Great Wall of China.

    And also not feel like I’m wearing my grandma’s undergarments. *sigh*

  2. I have curly hair, I want straight hair.

    We all want what we don’t have.

    And the words in here are so perfectly chosen and placed.

    Though this is a tongue in cheek piece, what struck me is how beautifully placed everything is.

    It’s so very nice to read something like this. It’s a joy. And makes me think how fortunate I am to have discovered blogging, where I can find places and words like this, for free, everyday.

    I love the modern times.

  3. NO ONE envies my cups. I’m approaching surf board status. This post made me a little bummed because it reminded me how taking the mall “upscale” caused them to force out Fredricks of Hollywood. That was the only place that served up the slutty stuff my husband likes. He likes his woman a little on the trashy side.

  4. i think we all sorta wish our bodies were different in some sorta way. me, i have a very athletic build. which means, very little curves from the breasts to the hips. i keep saying if my boobs were bigger it would make my waist look smaller.

  5. Yes, the grass is, indeed, always greener.
    Having seen them in person, I will tell you that even with your sea of beige options, they are fabulous.
    Green. With. Envy.
    I know, I know, that’s the opposite of what I’m supposed to say. I know. ;)

  6. I’ve seen such things, but sadly I’m fairly certain you’d have to remortgage your house and sell your car just to afford the bra.

    Panties require the hocking of jewelry and base level prostitution. Which could be sorta fun, I guess.

    But nevermind.

    I have a girlfriend who is all crafty and stuff and she actually adds her own lace to her bras and panties, and reshapes her cups from “full coverage” to “demi” like a whirlwind of needles and elastic.

    I, sadly, find sewing machines as foreign as…well…sewing machines, but thankfully am not faced with such issues.

    Aso, don’t they make sexy stuff for porn stars that you can special order?

    Err…I’ve heard this is an option.

    *cough*

    – B x

  7. Indeed, the grass is always greener. I would trade a giant top for my giant bottom any day of the week.

    I do, however, have spectacular hair. And I know you have spectacular somewhere, too.

    But I’ve never met you, so I don’t know where your spectacular is.

  8. We envy what we don’t have, that’s for sure. And you are SO right that with padding, you’d be visible from space. Padding? Not so good with those gals of yours.

    Mine? Padding just fills in the poor, empty bra cups. There must be some perfect boob-world in between you and me.

  9. I’m a bigger girl. No, not fat… just stocky.
    All that lacy stuff makes me look like a joke.
    However, I love a good corset. It makes my body look the way bodies looked when chunky=sexy.

  10. I have a strange situation. My boobs themselves are not that big, B-cup. But my ribcage? Is ginormous. Even when I was skinny I had a big ribcage. Like when I got married, I was a size 10, but all the wedding dress sizes that fit me were 16 or higher because they measure your chest. Now that I’m post-two babies, I’m chubbier. Which means what I need to wear is a 42-B. Those are almost impossible to find. The bra manufacturers assume that if you are a 42? You are a DD. They also assume you need an underwire. I can’t stand underwires. So not only do they not make the frilly, cute stuff, they don’t even make comfortable (to me) ones in my size. Stupid underwear….

  11. I’ve always heard that the grass is always greener on the other side, but as I’ve aged I’ve learned that every yard always needs to be mowed.
    I find it funny that only the flat chested girls want large breasts. For those that have them? We know what a pain it is.
    No pretty bras, backless shirts or dresses for us. If we happen to wear something semi-low cut? We look like we were trying to show off the ever-prominent cleavage.
    Don’t even get me started on what they look like AFTER kids & nursing.

  12. Okay, while I’ll admit that I do have boob envy, every word of this is true. The trade off of being stuck with little boobs is that you get to wear pretty bras. Big boobs = ugly bras. There had to be some positive for little boobs, right?

  13. Every so often I can find a pretty bra in my size that doesn’t cost a fortune.

    Unfortunately they are also usually in weird colors. And uncomfortable.

    Really makes me think I want to learn how to make bras. I just don’t know if my sewing skills are up to it. Hmm.

  14. i hear that breast reduction surgery is covered by most insurance as a legitimate medical expense.

    everyone i know who’s had one loves it.

    me, i just wear sports bras.

    two at a time.

  15. I promise you don’t envy my cups. I promise. You saw my bra the other day– holy padded. Who posts a picture of their overly padded bra?? Me. That’s who. I could be 10 years old. Seriously.

  16. Oh, I’m right there with you. Intimacy sells larger sizes in very sexy styles (there’s one in Chicago and one in LA) but they are SO EXPENSIVE that I still can’t get a nice stash of lacy unmentionables going. I get a practical bra – but it’s still nicer than the whalebone. Slightly.

  17. This will, most likely, NOT make you feel better. But still. I’m saying it.

    I don’t own any sexy, lacy, free-couch-celebratin’ bras because HOLY SHIT that satiny crap is expensive.

    Why would anyone want to spend a small fortune on material you wear UNDER other material? Especially when it’s scratchy?

    I can barely glean enough money from the cushions of my not-free couch to buy a good pair of cable-knit leggings from Target (thanks, Cheryl). My underwear? Both top and bottom?

    Purchased in 2003. And still going strong.

    Well, strong might be overstating it. “Still sport limited holes” might be more to the point.

    So on your next White Trash Night? Splurge on new garden gnomes instead…

    (And p.s. The flying buttresses line? genius.)

  18. They do have pretty things in bigger cup sizes. You just have to sell your first born to afford them.
    I am just on the edge of buying pretty things in my size. And I still choose beige and plain. But I was naughty this month and bought a pair of red, lace panties. Just because I thought I should. ;)

  19. Dear Ms. Lori,
    Mother Hen has racy panties and lacy negligees. Somewhere.
    Ever since MH got um…fluffy, even in the unlikely event that she could fit into her long-lost tiny delicates, she would feel like Shamu. The effect would be scary, not sexy.
    Nevertheless, she refuses to even look at the back wall, to see what passes for attractive in the XL section. No, someday her fluffiness will magically disappear, she will rediscover her former glory (and lingerie), and she will proudly strut her stuff for Father Rooster again.
    A chicken can dream.
    Fluffily yours,
    Mother Hen

  20. As a natural 40F, I hate having to bypass all the pretty, sexy lingerie as I head to the Back Wall filled with beige, greige, black and white “foundations.” Where one plain bra costs triple digits due to the amount of fabric, spandex and the salaries of the engineers who had to design something THAT big.

  21. I completely believe you. I went from an A to a B when I got fat. ( I realize you are talking about way bigger than a B cup :) ) They are annoying and get in the way. I’m not sure the husband feels that way…

    I also think you need to shop online a bit. There are way more options online. And beige is good. Lots of women don’t wear beige, they wear white and we can all see exactly what their bra looks like right through their clothes. Dives me nuts! Good luck finding a pretty over the shoulder boulder holder. ;)

  22. My ladies are of the large variety. Not HUGE, but definitely causing of problems when looking for tops that button down (it has been decided I just can’t wear those). I used to be a pancake. I don’t wish for the flat days back, but I do wish for the super cute undies and bras I had. Now? I am boring beige, white, and black. I do have ONE purple bra, but it makes my boobs look slightly pornish and ridiculous.

  23. We are together in the unlacey misery. No polka dots, no plunging necklines, only utility.
    Once I finished breastfeeding I spent big bucks on a fancy pants bra for the new and improved non-child growing self. It nearly bankrupted us. It’s too big now and I am back to plain.

  24. And we come to the ONLY saving grace to having to shop in plus sized stores.

    Lane Bryant (Express for Fat Girls) has great lingerie options for space-visible racks! But the band sizes don’t go down small enough for everyone.

    I have a few gorgeous lacy numbers for my gigantorboobs.

    It’s the rest of my wardrobe that suffers for my size.

    But there ought to be something between flying buttresses (Lori, you are a wordsmith!) and the caftan lounge when it comes to the underthings, right?

    Sigh.

  25. I am right there with you, Lori. Let’s go bra shopping for BlogHer! We’ll knock ’em dead with our buttressed bosoms. What say you?

    But seriously, my friend, you know you’re a humor writer of the highest caliber, right? I think Wagner would agree with me on this one.

  26. Yes yes yes. I get this. There is no lace for me. In face, my cup size and my band size are not very compatable, so usually there is one maybe two choices, neither or which is very pretty…both of which are insanely expensive.

    Signed, 32DDD Lace-less in Lingerie

  27. As someone who has been approached by a circus and asked is she would donate her older bras to replace their big tops, I feel your pain.

    Each baby has added until my cups runneth over. I’m at the point now where the back wall? Too small.

    Which means I order my bras from the internet with a tape measure and a prayer.

    And a really, really good return policy.

  28. Lol I relate to that They say nothing makes you feel sexier than lace underwear..or so they have you believe. I say nothing makes you feel more itchy and uncomfortable. You are right they only come 2 sizes too small. I can’t strike a pose when I feel like I have straw stuck to me. It is counter productive. I cringe when I get the free thong coupon from VS.

  29. I love the cute, floral, lacy bras and the twins aren’t all that big… but I’m cheap. Seriously it hurts to spend $40 + for the cute ones that you find at the mall.
    Now I know that you can get some half way cute ones at Victoria’s Secret in the D size…. my daughter has gotten them there!

  30. You could transport a car inside my bra as well. As long as it was matchbox-sized.

    I’m with Sherri… if only there was a happy medium! Heck, I’d settle for a happy larger-than-minuscule. :)

  31. Plunging deeper than a Chilean miner. Ha. Does it also run 6 miles in the dark?

    I don’t need all that structure and scaffolding. Because I don’t need anything at all. Purely ornamental in my case. And not pretty like an ornament.

  32. Missy, missy, missy,
    While my endowment fund is not quite as topped up as yours I am in complete agreement that I am on the greener side. I have never wanted to be in the 7.5 richter scale range… ever. I have looked over at the wall, and I am sending you bouquets of flowers over the injustice of it all. I’m just wondering… when are you going to start writing for Saturday Night Live? Chilean miners…. loved it.

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