I know when I’m being messed with.

Ok people. Enough is enough.

Don’t tease the blogger.

Nor should you offer the blogger food or caffeinated beverages.

There are laws. Statues. Or guidelines. Or footnotes on a pamphlet. SOMETHING.

There are rules.

Or there bloody well should be.

So, am I being Punk’d? Is that it? DAX!? Where the hell are you? Is there a camera hidden in my coffee cup? Or on one of the cats?

Cause I know when things just are not right. I know when reality is off. I can sense the schism in the fabric of space-time, the disturbance in the force, the ripple in the Ruffles.

A couple of weeks ago, I got a sweet note from my friend Nicole telling me she’d bestowed upon me the Stylish Blogger Award.

Aww, thought I. How sweet!

Then Katie shared the same honor with me.

Wow! How rockinly stylish must I be??

There was some strutting, yes. Then some falling down and visiting the chiropractor, yes.

And then, Jen shared it with me, and something inside my brain said, “Hmmm.”

I checked the award again. Yes, yes it said “Stylish.”

Ok, girls. Really? Really?

But ok. What the heck. If fame and stylishness are being sent my way by the universe, who am I to quibble? Would I look sideways if a bunch of websites I’ve never been to started sending me giftcards or coupons to massage parlors lit by neon signs? HELL NO.

Finders keepers, baby.

So I will keep my Stylish Blogger Award that a bunch of kind but clearly nearsighted fellow bloggers have sent my way and dance happily about my cluttered, but obviously stylish home.

Then today, there was a ping. From Melinda. A woman who I thought was a friend but who I now think is Ashton Kutcher.

Nominating me for the Stylish Blogging Award.

Now wait a minute, here….

Blowtorched mice.

Flying cats.

Pirate raccoons.

Tiaras that look like inverted underwear.

Yep, ok, still my blog.

And while I was mulling over the likelihood that I was SO AMAZING that I could trick four otherwise sensible women who do not appear to have lost their right to vote owing to felony convictions into giving me awards for being stylish, I got another email.

From Erin.

Nominating me for the Stylish Blogging Award.

WHAT THE HECK???

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Antoine the bad shampoo guy at the salon.  Fool me three times, shame on the labrador on the other block who is romantically attached to the mailbox shaped like a chicken. Fool me four times, shame on that guy at the postal counter who pretends there aren’t people waiting in the line three feet from the end of his bulbous nose. But fool me FIVE TIMES and shame on me!

I will not have this, people! This taunting! This mocking! This laughing at ALL I’VE BUILT HERE!

I WILL NOT…eh?…What?…What’s that now?

I’m being told by my producer that mocking, taunting and laughing are in fact the reason for the blog, that I am contractually obligated to endure and in fact cultivate such things, and that a team of lawyers is sitting just outside the bedroom waiting to define the term “breach of contract” for me.

I see.

Never mind.

34 comments

  1. Like I said in my original email – it’s like one of those email chain letters. :)

    Hey! You did a backyard reno and got rid of that hot tub. I think that definitely qualifies as stylish.

  2. Stylish is one of those words which can be interpreted differently by the user. For instance, stylish for Tammy Faye Baker may not be stylish to, let’s say, Martha Stewart. So you see, it is an award with vast socio/economic and stylish parameters. Just take it and run baby, and don’t ask too many questions. That’s what I did. It seemed the safest route.
    Dana
    psst check back later, I think you may be a “winner” : ) (of what I’m not sure yet.)

  3. you have great hair, a lovely rack, and a winning smile.

    that? all equals stylish.

    and as a bonus you are funny, thoughtful, wonderful, smart, and amazing.

  4. I received two stylish blogger awards myself and never posted about them. Had no idea how to turn it into humor. Now I see it was a missed opportunity. You’re brilliant as always.

  5. Um, yeah when I got it? I was like, uh, have we met? Stylish is an adjective used for my sister, the buyer for Michael Kors, not moi, the mom/housewife trapped in an office worker’s body. But how could I not be thrilled all the same? It’s my only award. Sue me.

  6. Okay, I just want to say that after you have admired your awards, set them on a shelf; had your husband admire them, and your mom… When you have shown them off to your sewing circle and your tea-time friends… when you have finally resorted to sending them to school with the kids for show-and-tell… That is, when you have gotten ALL-there-is-to-get from them– after this, when they are just sitting around gathering dust and you begin to wonder if you should donate them to charity, but think, oh heck, who would want my used awards? At this point in time, I will take them off your hands.

    You see, I have no awards– I’m totally new to blogging and my site is like an unfurnished apartment. Maybe-justmaybe- if I had a few um, awards laying around the place… I would get some more visitors and that would be win/win. Well, win, anyway. Win for me…( and win for you bc you get to recyle those dusty old awards and also feel like you are doing something good for someone.)

    See? It’s be AwesomeAwesome (thats like double awesome). So, while I sit here and admire your beautiful blog, and thoroughly enjoying all your posts, I am secretly coveting it for myself.

    Be a buddy and stop by sometime. I promise a clean site (no dusty old awards.. just toys & family messes) plus a couple of laughs that I know you will relate to.

    Keep up the good work, girl!!!

    See my place here http://35daysamonth.blogspot.com/2011/02/its-not-dirty-its-just-lived-in.html (This house doesn’t clean itself, you know!)

  7. Okay. Here’s my problem.
    When I’m fooled? It’s usually like SEVEN times. And your list only went to five.
    Now what am I supposed to do?
    It’s going to be hard to find my own labrador with amorous attachments to a chicken mailbox.
    DANG it.
    Still. It’s good to have goals…

  8. 5x is pretty good! So…it was worth it for you to wait and announce it until ALLLLLLLL the awards came in.

    This is the start of how blog awards die, by the way! :)

    Congrats, Stylish One!

  9. Lol! There is no other way to take that other than as a compliment. Five times over and counting. If you keep getting them you could consider wallpapering a bathroom for FREE!! I’m sure that’s what Martha would do. That or a decoupadged plant rack or something. :P

  10. Dear Ms. Lori,
    About that labrador…do you think you could set him up with Mother Hen’s second-cousin-twice-removed Henrietta? She’s kind of desperate. Could she get his (licence)number?
    It’s for Henrietta. Really.
    Yours in a matchmakerish-kind-of-way,
    Mother Hen

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