Who’s On First in 140 Characters or Less

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

LORI. Blogger, wife, mother, wrangler of cats, your hostess at In Pursuit of Martha Points.

NICHOLE. The lovely and gracious author of In These Small Moments, and one of the hosts of The Red Dress Club (TRDC).

KATIE. The effervescent writer of Sluiter Nation. Also one of the hosts of The Red Dress Club. Recently discussing some changes to her health regimen in anticipation of growing her family.

KATIE. Daughter of NICHOLE.

SCENE: TWITTER

Direct Message exchange between LORI and NICHOLE who have not chatted in several days.

LORI: How have you been, sweet one?
Lori thinks: I could really use a donut.

NICHOLE: Stressed. So stressed.
Nichole thinks: Maybe I can get a Starbucks later. Caffeine’ll help, right?

LORI: Over what? The blog? The kids?
Lori thinks: Oooh! Gossip! Yay!

NICHOLE: Over the memoir prompt for TRDC, and Katie’s going through something right now that I’m worried about.
Nichole thinks: I wonder if Matthew is putting Cheerios in his socks?

LORI: Oh no!
Lori thinks: Nichole is such an amazing friend.

NICHOLE: She’s become super emotional with huge mood swings.
Nichole thinks: She knows I’m not talking about myself, right?

LORI: That’s not good!
Lori thinks: I didn’t realize Katie was losing it that badly.

NICHOLE: I’ve tried to talk to her about the fact that it’s ok to be angry, but that we need tools to express anger in a good way.
Nichole thinks: Maybe I can make margaritas during naptime.

LORI: That’s a big problem.
Lori thinks: Wow, Nichole is being REALLY patronizing.

NICHOLE: But it doesn’t seem to be helping.
Nichole thinks: I hope I’m not coming off too “Toddlers and Tiaras.”

LORI: She was going to have her medication tapered. Did she do that?
Lori thinks: I wonder if Nichole is going to have to do an intervention. Like on Celebrity Rehab but without famous people.

NICHOLE: She’s never been on medication.
Nichole thinks: What the hell is she talking about? She knows Katie’s not on medication! For god’s sake, she’s three years old!

LORI: I’m confused, I must have read the blog too quickly.
Lori thinks: Ok, maybe Katie is totally messing with us. Maybe it’s all an act. Maybe she has that syndrome where you fake being sick and German!

NICHOLE: No, no medication.
Nichole thinks: I’ve never written anything like that! Oh my god, she’s come completely unhinged. I’m going to need to write Himself and let him know. Maybe she should go to a doctor.

LORI: Wasn’t she thinking about getting pregnant again?

Long pause from Nichole.

NICHOLE: I was talking about MY Katie.

Long pause from Lori.

LORI: So, probably not trying to get pregnant, then.

NOTE: All parties involved gave consent to be featured in this post. Except Katie. The not-pregnant Katie. Not the not-yet-pregnant-Katie. The not-in-any-way-possible-pregnant-Katie.

42 comments

  1. I’m so glad you all are combating the rising incidence of pregnant 3-year-olds. 1 Gajillion MPs for you! :-) Of course, planning to medicate said 3-year-old might dock you a few points…

  2. As a dad, I find this 100% UNFUNNY! In fact, sometimes, D1 sticks her belly out and says she has a baby inside.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be joining the NRA and learning to shoot.

  3. I giggled about this all day. I’m so happy that you wrote it out, because I could not, for the life of me, explain how funny it was to Craig.
    Love you, my funny friend.

  4. No babies here…and not trying yet…just in case anyone was concerned.

    but yes, medication tapers and HUGE mood swings DID happen.

    It’s a Katie thing.

    We are divas.

    And I was all excited that I was being talked about. And then I wasn’t.

    My inner diva is sad.

    1. Well, *I* was talking about you.

      Nichole was all selfishly focused on her family.

      You’re totally a diva to me, baby.

      Umm…that may have come out sort of wrong.

    1. Megan, why’d you go and out yourself?! The good thing about DMs is, no one’s supposed to be talking about DMs (save for that one tweet you send with just DM). So for all we know, you could be having incredible conversations via DMs and no one would know.

      Kinda like me and all the hilarious DM threads I wish I had goi…I mean have going. It’s hard to keep track; there are so many.

      1. So basically, the rule of the DM is that you never talk about the DM?

        Like in “Fight Club???”

        Why are you bringing all this violence to my blog????

  5. When you said “Wow, Nichole’s being really patronizing” I immediately thought “Jesus, I’m a terrible parent.”

    Um, because it’s always about me?

  6. This? Is utterly fabulous. I am howling and my dogs are trying to lick the inside of my mouth because that’s what they do when they don’t understand what I’m doing. OMG. This is one of those moments where every time you think about it, you laugh out loud, like a big blustering laugh, usually when you’re in the most inappropriate places for laughing. I sure hope I don’t think about this in church.

  7. Thank God you cleared this up, I was worried that Katie Holmes might need to see someone about finding better ways to express her anger! ;)

    When I read the wow, Nichole is being really patronizing, I thought, ‘oh, there’s definitely a punch line coming…’

    1. Kinda. Only difference is, on the telephone, you can easily tell it’s a long pause and immediately know you said something wrong. In the case of Twitter, the other person could go on vacation for a week after they sent their last DM and you’d be torturing yourself for the next 7 days wishing you could take back that DM and regretting each and every one of those 140 or less characters.

      And when they get back, they’d say something like, “Sorry. Just got this DM. Been on vacay for a week. Lovely & missing (vacay spot). What about you?” And you’d respond, “O nothing. DMing w/ so many people and certainly not obsessing & making 2043 scenarios on y u didn’t reply”

  8. I kind of wish I could rewrite the whole thing and add what I was thinking as I was reading it. I reread the patronizing line like five times because I was so surprised that this would be your thought process. Then I reread it after I figured out what was actually going on and it CRACKED MY ASS UP.

  9. Twitter can be a dangerous place. Especially when three-year-olds are being impregnated at the drop of a 140-character hat. On the plus side, I love the peek into your DM’ing life. It would have been even better had this all been on the thread for everyone to see.

  10. I so love how your brain work.
    Almost as good: the comment string.
    I’ll be thinking about being a patronizing, pill pushing mother of a pregnant toddler all day.
    And then there is the disturbing thought of pores the size of vehicles.
    #totaltwitteraddict

  11. SNORT!

    At first I’m all, that’s so odd Nichole would be gossiping about Katie and Lori would print it.

    Then I was hoping you never print when you and I are gossiping about Nichole.

    Mostly, because I don’t have a daughter named Nichole.

  12. This is fantastically awesome! I so love that you wrote it out!

    You both must have been so confused, with furrowed brows and heads tilted to the side at the absurdity of what the other was saying.

  13. Oh, this is great!! Twitter conversations can quickly go awry, and this is just a classic one.

    And thank goodness Katie’s not pregnant. I mean the three year-old one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s