I don’t watch a lot of tv. It’s on a lot, but generally a sporting event or HGTV in the background. I don’t watch it much.
And as it turns out, this means I have totally screwed up my life.
Today, for instance, I was watching tv in the gym (cause my damned iPod died – have you ever tried to maintain any sort of pace at all on a treadmill while watching college basketball?) and a commercial for Virgin Mobile aired showing a pretty young lady sitting in a tree cyberstalking the guy with whom she’d just had her first date. Because, if you have Virgin Mobile, being a pathetically desperate online Fatal Attraction babe is a breeze!
Which shows just how damned lame I am, because I was silly enough to outgrow the crazy stalker phase by deciding that I am, in fact, hot sh*t and any man oblivious enough to fail to notice was not worth my time. How stupid am I? I completely overlooked the high-tech solution. As well as the tree-climbing solution. Back in MY day, being the crazy stalker chick took a car, gas money, an investment in a wig and a stomach strong enough to live on the Slim Jims you could buy at the Mighty Mini Mart.
And I’m still doing it wrong as I have yet to use my data plan to hack into Himself’s email, I am pitifully cavalier about monitoring his relationship status on Facebook and I’ve never once snuck his phone into the bathroom to read his text messages. I’d better get on that, don’t you think? I HATE doing these things wrong and I am woefully behind the times. In fact, I think radio-tagging is probably not going too far which means that in addition to everything else I need to get done, I need to add “call local wildlife rescue” to the list and order the proper equipment.
In addition to the relationship and self-esteem fail-fest I’ve got going on over here, it also seems I am risking permanent damage to my children. I would not have known had it not been for the attitude-laden, smirking, curly-haired mop-top from the Toyota Highlander commercials.
I, horrifically, neglectfully, have been teaching my children that buying expensive new things if you have functioning old things is irresponsible. I have been brainwashing them by making them consider the impact of new cars on the environment and forcing them to consider *gasp* gas mileage and fuel economy.
I should be taken out and shot.
And, to make matters WORSE, I have been teaching them that judging people based on the things they own is wrong! I’ve been teaching them that people of quality will not care about the clothes they wear or – my god how could I do this to them – the car I drive them around in. Of course people will! Other kids will mock them for be chauffeured about in older cars with dings and cat-claw scratches. And they, of course, are years behind in their own mocking of others. I’m going to tell them to just start making fun of all children for everything effective immediately or they’ll never catch up.
I’m lucky the state hasn’t simply taken them away and put them in foster care.
What else am I doing wrong?
How am I messing up the cats? How have I ruined the resale value of my house? What character defect have I unwittingly foisted upon myself for having not paid attention to advertising?
I’m simply going to start watching tv nonstop to find out.
I’ll get us all back on track in no time.