Exercise Schmexercise.

For those of you to whom these things are important, those words in the title are “schmonjugated.”

“Schomjugating” is when you repeat a word and change the first few letters into “schm” on the second go.

This was a strategy employed often on Seinfeld. Having now married a man of the Hebrew ilk (despite his Christmas tree snobbery) the term is often relevent.

So remember that. Schmonjugating.

If you come close I will whisper a secret to you.

Closer.

Ok, not THAT close. These are not two person yoga pants, I don’t CARE what it looks like from the back.

So…ok…don’t tell anyone.

I function better when I exercise.

SHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

My god, people, KEEP IT DOWN!

I will have my frequent bon-bon Flyer card revoked!

The Leisure Police will be on me in MINUTES.

NIKE ADS WILL START TWEETING ME!!

*pant pant*

Ok, so it’s true. As much as I hate to admit it, much about me functions better when I exercise.

The tragedy is that I hate it.

My god I hate it.

I can’t stand exercise. I  hate sweating. I get cramps when I’m in the same zip code as an elliptical machine and I know for a FACT that this whole “endorphin” rush nonsense is a lie told by people who want to sell you obscenely overpriced shoes.

So imagine my desperate frustration with the fact that I think better, feel better and am  emotionally stable enough to not threaten to castrate my husband with the SonicCare for breathing when I’m engaging in some sort of physical activity other than the regular opening and closing of my laptop.

*sigh*

The unfairness that is life is equaled only by the obscenity that is Snooki getting a book deal.

But I have a few stand-by’s I try when I absolutely CAN’T bring myself to don the sneaks and the spandex.

1. It’s too bright out.
2. It’s too dark out.
3. There’s too much oxygen out.
4. I forgot my iPod.
5. I forgot my running bra.
6. I forgot my central nervous system.
7. I will interrupt bird migration patterns.
8. I will cause increased continental drift.
9. I don’t like the smell of the gym cleansers.
10. I don’t like the smell of the gym  members.

Sadly, I don’t get away with many of these. People see through my excuses like they see through John Travolta’s thinning hair.

So out of my way, people. I have a treadmill to send to therapy.

28 comments

  1. I forgot my iPod is the only excuse that really stops me from working out. The gym music is ok, but I listen to audio books. Usually murder mysteries because they hold my interest better than random songs do. I can do 40 minutes on the EFX machine with a murder mystery, but only about 8 minutes with music. So my music player is absolutely key

  2. First, I must meet Stacey@Havoc&Mayhem – because I can’t even imagine being on a machine for 40 minutes listening to a book being read to me. I’d much rather spend the day seeing through John Travolta’s thinning hair.

    Second, I’m going to have to practice my schmonjugating before I try to bust any of the words I’m thinking – because the most prominent of these words is AMEN and I can’t quite figure out how a schmonjugate that. (Must be all the language classes I took in college. I’m a purist. Apparently.)

    Lasty, I, too, feel better after excercise. Damnit. (Another non-starter with the schmonjugating.) I must hang out with you for tips on integrating Hebrew into my comments. We could chat about it on side-by-side treadmills (has to be better than listening to a murder mystery!).

    But somebody had better warn the birds…

  3. Schmamen. (That’s for Julie, above. I’m not sure it works, but there it is.)

    Imagine my delight this past Saturday to arrive at the gym for my 7a appointment to discover the gym had no power. If that’s not a legitimate excuse, I don’t know what is.

    Alas, my Eastern European trainer doesn’t let a little thing like no electricity slow her down. Turns out, the elliptical trainer doesn’t even plug in. And you don’t need electricity to life dumbbells or toss a medicine ball. Don’t even get me started on twilight TRX.

    I’m going to try the bird migration thing and see if that works.

  4. Ugh. Exercise (in the long term) also makes me happier & nicer. But I generally hate doing it. Which probably explains the life-span of this 40lbs of baby weight. From the 1st one. 5 years ago. *sigh*

  5. the only good thing about going to the gym is the people watching.

    i don’t like to go often because i tend to race the person next to me on the treadmill.

    it doesn’t end well usually.

    that’s why i run at home.

  6. Oh, man, I could’ve written this–if I was wittier ;) Exercise is the only reason I haven’t killed my husband and toddler and I suppose, the 9-year old too. I try hard to like it but I’ve found no matter how many cute work out outfits I create, I still have to force myself out of the gym’s juice bar and onto a treadmill.

  7. I love that you hate it….but hate that it actually DOES make function better and you still hate it.

    Because then you’re tugged in two different directions by the stupid treadmill….you want me, you know you do….you’ll feel better….then BAM, you’re sweaty and hyperventilating.

    And these are my favorite reasons to NOT do it:
    I will interrupt bird migration patterns.
    I will cause increased continental drift.

    In honor of you, I will not exercise today. I wasn’t planning to anyway, but it’s a sisterhood thing.

  8. What’s a gym? Can I bring my recliner?

    Actually, 20 odd years ago I had a gym membership. I did feel better. I keep thinking I should try exercise again. But it requires so much effort.
    But I will try to start a good habit with dog walking for a start. When the weather breaks.

  9. I’m with you. I’m a much nicer human being when I’ve got a little exercise under my belt. And I’m not talking 8 mile runs, or 4 day spinning classes. It doesn’t even take that much. A little Richard Simmons perks my soul. I should be humiliated. I’m not. Which probably says a lot about me.
    P.S. I don’t like the smell of the gym members either but they would probably say the same thing about me after 45 minutes on the elliptical. Sadly. :)
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

  10. I GET that I feel better when I exercise and that I want/need to lose like 25 lbs. But I have the hardest time with exercising. I hate to sweat, I don’t enjoy exercise or necessarily being out of doors and I like to wear sparkly heels and those DON’T work well in the exercise field, especially with my utter lack of coordination.
    Plus, I get bored.
    I am SO open to suggestions.

  11. I feel exactly the same way. When playing hide n go seek with a five year old is exhausting, you know there is too much dust on the 30 Day Shred tape. I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be the day I start back and it doesn’t happen. Maybe tomorrow.

  12. Oh, how I love you, Lori.
    This line made me giggle most: “I forgot my central nervous system.”

    There should be a better reward system on the treadmill. Like, um, for ever 100 feet you walk, and you get a frozen margarita.

    We’d all be happily staggering on our treadmills if it worked like that.

  13. You know, you just need your readers to build a new gym, one with lots of Richard Simmons and margarita’s.
    Think of the ab work out you could get from the side splitting laughter?
    I’d so be there. …as long as you don’t have any handsy sweaty people asking I’m smuggling basket balls or cantaloupes.

  14. I loathe exercise. But like you, I feel better when I do it. It’s just hard. I always have lots of excuses, and it’s better when I have a partner. Still, motivation is my biggest problem. Le sigh.
    ;-)

  15. Ok…I was trying to talk myself out of going to the gym to do my C25K training session today. It’s foggy here, you see. And I don’t want to put on my “lock and load” running bra.

    But your #3 is my favorite on the list.

    And I’ll be heading to the gym because I function better when I’ve exercised too. Wish it weren’t so, but unfortunately, it is.

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