Like Cats and Dogs

In today’s installment of the “Keeping Lori from Losing her Ever-loving Mind” series, I am thrilled to host my very dear friend Cheryl from Mommy Pants. Cheryl and I shared an intimate coat moment when she came up this way for Napa In January, and trust me when I say I wouldn’t have worn just anyone’s coat naked.

Lori is away doing important things, like helping kids like mine learn how to talk.

And I want to thank her. Because what she’s doing will help change the lives of children and their families.

So she’s asked me over here today to, you know, fill this space. Thing is, I’m not all that funny and also I don’t know how to draw pictures and even if I did I could never approach her level of awesomeness.

However.

Since she DID leave me in charge, I’m going to take this opportunity confess something.

She has a major flaw. The kind we all refer to as a deal-breaker.

You know what I’m talking about, right? I mean, the kind when you really, really like someone, but it takes super-human effort to overlook

And so I have tried to be a bigger person. I have. To see past this issue and rise above.

But, since she’s left me alone over here, I’m finally going to do admit it.

The truth is, I hate cats. Bless their hearts.

I do.

They make my eyes swell, water and itch.

They make my nose swell, water and itch.

Also, they’re not needy. I NEED needy.

I want to be greeted with enthusiasm when I walk in the door. Or stand up. Or breathe.

I want the big bark when someone comes to the door. I want my kids to dress them up or lie on them or hug them.

Do cats do that? No they don’t. They sit wherever they want and stare at you. They hide under beds when a human enters the room. They poop in a box in your house.

Perhaps you remember Lori’s, um, issue with her neighbor who decorated her house for Halloween by lining her roofline with cute little pumpkins?

I suggested she catapult her cats over there and knock them off the roof.

She probably thought I was trying to help. And I was – I was trying to help her get rid of those cats! In the most subtle way possible, of course.

So I thought of another idea. Maybe I could get Nimbus and Topaz to hang with my dogs. You know, so they can learn how to be cool. And when I say cool, I mean my dogs can teach Topaz and Nimbus a few things that could make those cats a little less…awful.

Otherwise?

Halloween will come around again. And I have power tools.

Just sayin’.

48 comments

  1. LOL, you just upset Wiki, my cat lover (well, animal lover)
    We have a great big hulking dog, Lilly, she looks like Nana from Peter Pan, she also thinks she is a baby (and she is old, heaven help me when ‘that’ day comes) … but we have two of the most lovable cats as well – one would climb inside you if he could. (lost my 20 yr old last year – sad indeed)
    The other would climb inside Wiki, but has perfected a look that is as good as giving me the finger … yes, cats can do that.

  2. I’m totally with you, Cheryl. I’m allergic to cats, too. My DH is the biggest animal lover – he had a dog, three cats, a bird and fish when I met him. When we got engaged, he only had a dog and a cat. I told him the cat had to go. (Sidenote: that cat was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, sweet as could be one second, and the devil kitty the next.) DH was heartbroken, but agreed (true love, I tell you!), and luckily a friend took him in. Sadly, a few weeks later, the cat got tangled up in a leash, and… accidentally hung himself. It was awful. I don’t think DH will ever forgive me.

  3. Cats? Not my favorite pet, although we did at one point own two. I think we were getting ready for kids, like that really helped.

    You are all kinds of funny, Cheryl, and there’s an evil twist to your cat-hating that both cracks me up and scares me at the same time.

  4. LOL…Cats. I really don’t like Cats, at all. So reading this I was laughing to myself and then scaring my co worker when I Laughed out loud and had to explain the Cat thing to her.
    YOU are hilarious..this post was so much fun.

  5. Cheryl –
    A. You. Are. Funny.
    B. Cats? Not so bad. Really.
    C. I want to borrow your coat. (I’m cold.)

    But mostly? The idea of being in Napa in January still makes my mouth water and my eyes tear up. (And not because I’m allergic to cats…)

  6. Ohhhhhh, looks like the makings of a cat-dog war to me! You could throw that ‘infamous coat’ into the middle, lined on one side with tuna and the other side with a T-bone or two, let your dogs and her cats loose, and suddenly………it’s a party! Woot!
    Now I can’t wait until next Halloween. Always looking for new suggestions on how to use my power tools.
    LMAO….funny stuff! I like cats, but only because I hate taking dogs for walks. And I hate the face-licking. Ewwww
    Cats just stink up the house after a fresh bowel movement. Clears those sinuses!

  7. Well, we miss you Lori – but we sure are being entertained wonderfully!

    Even if it IS at your cats’ expense. Because making fun of cats is never-ending hilarity.

    However, I will one up Cheryl and say that not only am I not a cat person, but I am not a pet person.

    I know. It’s un-American. How could anyone like me?

  8. I’m super allergic too, therefore no cats. But I have to say stupid Labs are next on my list of undesirable pets…guess what I have? Yup LAB.

  9. Hey now, not all cats are bad. One day I found my cat on the toilet, going #1. I kid you not. (And now I’m embarrassed by proof that I leave the door open too often as she must have learned by example. At least this was before kids!)

  10. And yes. I am the crazy cat lady.
    I have three.
    I wish they would do nothing.
    They play with MY toys. Bait each other unmercifully. Open doors and cupboards. Feel they are invited to the dinner table.
    And? The favorite game?
    Stare at a spot on the wall directly behind my head. Then start moving their eyes as though they are following something.
    When I finally look? They laugh and call me guppy.
    (never tell a cat you may have a mild case of arachnophobia)

  11. Aaaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaaa-CHOOOOOOOO!!!

    That is pretty much all I have to say about cats.

    (also, I think your idea to catapult them at the pumpkins was brilliant!)

  12. This was a highly entertaining post. “Not funny”? You had me at “hate” and “cats”.

    Sorry, Lori.

    So how come I’m not being invited to guest, huh?? HUH? First not being part of the queen’s whatever-it-was-called, and now, THIS?

  13. You are not alone! I hate cats too. They walk on their poop and then walk on your kitchen counters. They are awful creatures and I will NEVER own one. EVER. I am also deathly allergic, so there’s that too.

  14. Let the Pet Wars begin!!

    I have a dog, but I’d rather have a cat. He’s almost small enough to be one, except he refuses to go potty in the box, and he’s only interested in self cleaning one part of his anatomy. His purr sounds more like a yip, too.

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