So, ok, this motherhood thing…

So about this motherhood thing.

Do you realize that we do not get the tools we need?

No one prepares us.

No one gives us a manual.

No one considers our  coping strategies or how that will contribute to our longevity.

This is a crappy return-on-investment protocol. There are husbands and/or pool boys that expect to get YEARS of wear out of us.

We start out like this:

Then in a few short years we are this:

No. This won’t do at all. I don’t care for myself in this state. I need something better.

I need a plan.

I need a…philosophy.

So I did some philosophy shopping.

Or, philososhopping, if you will.

I rejected a few. Sheenism was too manic. Pradaism too expensive, as was the Church of Choo and Blahnik. I briefly considered Gleeing, but I don’t have the wardrobe nor the falsetto. So I settled on a classic:

Yes. This will work. This is what I need.

Grounding.

Centering.

Letting the stresses of the day glide off me like spring rain.

Yep. Check that out.

Spring rain, baby. Spring rain.

Ok, yes well, even the gentlest spring rain can pelt you on occasion. I may feel those drops just a little.

But only a little.

Ohhhhmmmmmm.

So, ok, showers can turn into squalls occasionally.

I’ll just breathe through it.

Yes. Breathe. Rain. Breathe. Rain.

I will spring the crap out of this rain.

SPRING, GODDAMNIT.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME YOU $%@&ING RAIN????

Aaaaaannnnd….we’re back to square one.

It’s ok.

I’m nothing if not flexible.

If that didn’t work, we’ll just try something new.

I’ve found just the thing.

Aaahhhh….perfect.

53 comments

  1. Mom in a box sounds like something lots of people would want to get for Christmas or hannukah or Kwanzaa….every single holiday a mom in a box

  2. I’m not even a mom, and Mom in a Box would work for me. Around the holidays, yes but sometimes just everyday life squashes me like a bug on the windshield. Zen Karen works some days, I try to work that one most days but Karen in a Box sounds more reasonable during the monsoon days.
    :)
    lilmuna.blogspot.com

  3. In my house, there would be a toddler building a space ship out of your mom box… which is whyommy occasionally goes to dinner all by herself – ahh, quiet!

  4. I think the Mom Box should be an essential room built into every house, apartment, condo–like the kitchens and bathrooms. And it should be replete with doors that lock on the inside and have soundproof walls so we can’t hear the ever present (yes, I even hear it when the house is empty): “Hey honey/Mom!… do you know where ___ is?”

    That would be the best birthday/Christmas/anniversary gift ever.

  5. Wow you described motherhood perfectly in those drawings. I’ve been trying mom in a closet but they find me, so Mom in the Box may be the answer I’m looking for since I can’t afford the creation of a soundproof room hidden behind a secret sliding panel in my room.

  6. I want this box. Altho right now? Mine will always have a kid in it. And I don’t really want to give birth in my box.

    Perhaps I could get a series of smaller boxes to keep my family in? I would keep them neatly organized in the basement & bring food and water to them daily. Or at least get them a food bowl & one of those hamster waterer thingies (in human size, of course).

  7. I am disturbed that the right side of your body is slightly longer than the left side.

    And I am convinced that this off-balancedness is what is causing you to lose your zen.

  8. I have the perfect alternative to Mom in a Box. I have perfected it.

    My husband calls it ostrich syndrome. His Mother who bore and raised 5 children with a husband who traveled weeks at a time she is the master of ostrich syndrome. I have learned at the feet of the master.

    Find a nice hole, ideally it is big enough for your head but it must be at least deep enough for your eyes and ears. Put said head in said hole. Never ever ever remove head from hole. :)

    It helsp that I have significant hearing loss in both ears and vanity (yeah vanity) precludes me from buying hearing aids! ;)

  9. Why can’t they have this room instead of kitchens? I don’t even have kids and there are a lot of days that I’d stay hidden in my box! Love your blog Honey. You make me laugh so hard that the neighbors, (I live in a condo), think I’m going insane. What going, I’m already there! Keep it up!

  10. Hilarious! My version is Mom-in-the-barn, I escape to go milk the cows & goats when overwhelmed. “But MOM, you just did that!!” Poor cows and goats, but you should see all the milk I have!

  11. Hee to the HEE!

    OMG. I’m dying over here. DYING!

    Also, next time give yourself some boobs. That would TOTALLY make it realistic.

    And mom in a box reminds me of that SNL skit with Justin Timberlake…

  12. Thanks for the giggle! I may have to try out Mom in a box. I think the one that got me was the, “How many cats are we supposed to have?” So funny!

  13. I SO want to live in a box. I really do. Because Zen Mom looks wonderful until the damn questions start coming.

    Oh, and they will come…I know of what I speak.

    Great questions, by the way….especially the “how many cats” and “does this look infected” ones…..

  14. New here, but you just successfully had my daughter and I cracking up, out loud yee-haw style laughing for a solid five minutes. I’m now stalking you. Funny shit.

  15. Does the box have a pillow? cuz i want one!!

    Dood, this is one of your best.ever. so darn funny. I love the progression of mom’s eyes in the drawings.

  16. Well, if you will go reproducing, despite my best advice, my love…what do you expect??

    The thing is…Spaniards NEVER ask if anything looks infected, and often they bring a power drill WTH them (go ahead and read into that what you will).

    I’m just sayin.

    Any time you need a break…

    – B x

  17. oh YOU and your BRILLIANCE again
    i do “mom in a laundry room”
    it’s kinda my bunker/speakeasy
    plus nobody even TRIES to go in there
    since they might have to do some laundry

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