Finally!

People who know me, in addition to giving me chocolate to prevent me from turning on them like a crazed wildabeest, know that I like to have tools. I like instructions. I like how-to’s. If there’s something that tells me how to insert tab A into slot B and end up with a six piece dining set, I’m a happy camper.

But parenting how-to’s…

They’re just not for me.

Having read through attachment parenting, free range parenting, helicopter parenting, oil and vinegar parenting, which-credit-card-hasn’t-been-cancelled-yet parenting and I-TOLD-you-you-could-get-pregnant-that-way parenting, I’ve finally decided to stop looking outside for what I need and just do it myself.

So In Pursuit of Martha Points is proud to present:

Finally! The all-in-one go-to guide for EVERYTHING that you need to make sure that your child ends up in the emergency room less than they end up in the principal’s office. Your source for red flags to warn you if the cheese-experiment in the fridge has gone toxic, and your reference for everything you need to know about decreasing the likelihood that anyone will think that little kitchen fire was bad enough to notify CPS.

It is the guide you’ve been looking for.

Here’s what we have for you:

Chapter 1: Babies!  More than the Hot New Accessory.
Chapter 2: The Toddler – It’s Ok, Don’t Call the Priest.
Chapter 3:  Your Pre-Maternity Body. Yes it’s gone for good, get over it.
Chapter 4: Potty Training – The Group Sport.
Chapter 5: Kids, Pets and Other Non-Flammables.
Chapter 6: School Daze, or, 8 Treatments for Nose Bleeds
Chapter 7: Vodka, why wait for noon?
Chapter 8: Your Handy Self, or How to Build the Parthenon out of Marshmallows and Hair Gel in 9 Minutes.
Chapter 9:  Teens. See Chapter 7.
Chapter 10: Creative Discipline – Groundings, Head-Shavings and Musical Theater
Chapter 11:  10 Words to Avoid When Talking to Law Enforcement
Chapter 12:  College. Or, Abject Poverty Can Be Fun!

Is that not all the most imperative information all in one place?

BUT WAIT! THERE’S  MORE!

Order your copy of Chaos Parenting now and we’ll send you our über-chic first aid kit! Complete with the newest in I-Can-Set-That-Bone-Myself Technology and designer bandages with matching sutures! Don’t duct-tape that baby into the stroller without it!

32 comments

  1. Finally, my waiting is over! It’s way too late for the older one, but I still have more time with the girl child. Please rush my order, overnight delivery if you can, and does this include free headphones too?

  2. Shoot, now I need to cancel the appointment with a priest. I even mentioned my toddler’s demon possession voice in my post today.
    I love chapter’s 3, 4, and 11. I think you may have a best seller here.

  3. I like #7–its gotta be 5:00 somewhere, right? And its not just about duck tape–never ever be without “bond it” in your Parent survival kit.

    Thanks for the Friday giggle—I am on Chapter 12.

  4. Chapter 10 is my favorite.

    But you forgot the Forward you clearly meant for me to write. After all, I wrote the cult classic Parenting Through Benign Neglect.

  5. I honestly don’t read the parenting books anymore. Attachment what now? I just do what’s right for us.

    For instance, fire extinguisher in every room. It’s just smart parenting.

  6. I want one too! I LOL’d at Chapter 11. We homeschool, so I always feel like I’m on the spot w/ my parenting choices.

  7. Genius. Having been investigated by CPS (turns out my ex-husband doesn’t like me; who knew?) and having caused the investigator walk away declaring that I really do make the world’s best coffee (which, as we all know, covers a multitude of sins), stamping the case “unfounded” as she went, I’m uniquely qualified to write a blurb for Chaos Parenting.

    Also, I am writing long sentences today. I plead lack of sleep and an excess of the aforementioned coffee.

  8. ROFL!!! Brilliant. I want the audio version. I dread going through Ch 8 again as my littlest starts elem school next year. I have learned drinking through science fair projects brings out creativity you didn’t know you had…or the project just looks better.

  9. Mother Hen just knew you had a bestseller in you somewhere!
    Parenting is like herding cats, or baptizing them, or maybe trying to to do both at the same time while on the phone with your mother-in-law trying to pretend that everything is just ducky!
    Her friend Jodi has a marvelous memory of mentioning in a call to her mother than the kids were body-surfing down the hall stairs, then reassuring her that, no, there was no need to get off the phone and stop them, because that was normal at her house, and the little darlings hadn’t hurt themselves doing it (yet).

  10. Alls I want to know is why this book isn’t ALREADY on the market???? Because I want to buy one for every mom I know.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s