People who know me, in addition to giving me chocolate to prevent me from turning on them like a crazed wildabeest, know that I like to have tools. I like instructions. I like how-to’s. If there’s something that tells me how to insert tab A into slot B and end up with a six piece dining set, I’m a happy camper.
But parenting how-to’s…
They’re just not for me.
Having read through attachment parenting, free range parenting, helicopter parenting, oil and vinegar parenting, which-credit-card-hasn’t-been-cancelled-yet parenting and I-TOLD-you-you-could-get-pregnant-that-way parenting, I’ve finally decided to stop looking outside for what I need and just do it myself.
So In Pursuit of Martha Points is proud to present:
Finally! The all-in-one go-to guide for EVERYTHING that you need to make sure that your child ends up in the emergency room less than they end up in the principal’s office. Your source for red flags to warn you if the cheese-experiment in the fridge has gone toxic, and your reference for everything you need to know about decreasing the likelihood that anyone will think that little kitchen fire was bad enough to notify CPS.
It is the guide you’ve been looking for.
Here’s what we have for you:
Chapter 1: Babies! More than the Hot New Accessory.
Chapter 2: The Toddler – It’s Ok, Don’t Call the Priest.
Chapter 3: Your Pre-Maternity Body. Yes it’s gone for good, get over it.
Chapter 4: Potty Training – The Group Sport.
Chapter 5: Kids, Pets and Other Non-Flammables.
Chapter 6: School Daze, or, 8 Treatments for Nose Bleeds
Chapter 7: Vodka, why wait for noon?
Chapter 8: Your Handy Self, or How to Build the Parthenon out of Marshmallows and Hair Gel in 9 Minutes.
Chapter 9: Teens. See Chapter 7.
Chapter 10: Creative Discipline – Groundings, Head-Shavings and Musical Theater
Chapter 11: 10 Words to Avoid When Talking to Law Enforcement
Chapter 12: College. Or, Abject Poverty Can Be Fun!
Is that not all the most imperative information all in one place?
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
Order your copy of Chaos Parenting now and we’ll send you our über-chic first aid kit! Complete with the newest in I-Can-Set-That-Bone-Myself Technology and designer bandages with matching sutures! Don’t duct-tape that baby into the stroller without it!