So what are “Martha Points?”

-50…..-40…..-30…..-20…..-10….0….+10…..+20…..+30…..+40…+50

Introducing The Martha Points Scale. A 100 point spread on the relative “Martha-y-ness” of my house.

The Martha Points Scale is a tally of the various positive/negative points I can earn by doing/ignoring various things in my home. A Martha Point is a self-assigned point (or lack thereof) that I give to myself based on my mood at the time a complex formula involving intergrel calculus.

On luanch day we started the scale at ZERO. Why? Because I  had too many martinis can! Because we are starting with a clean slate. Because if I gave myself my TRUE launch-day score I would crawl into a closet, lock the door and ask my family to feed me liquified food through a long bendy straw.

And now for the education of the readers, here are some examples of ways I can move up and/or down the scale.

  • Making the bed: +5 points
  • Making the bed without mummifying a cat in the sheets: +8 points
  • Filling the birdfeeders: +5 points
  • Removing starved bird corpses: -10 points (although really, that one could go either way)
  • Vacuuming: +10 points
  • Losing track of the color of the carpet: -10 points
  • Losing ability to see out the windows: -10 points
  • Losing the cats: -10 points
  • Losing the kids: -10 points
  • Losing the kids inside the house: -50 points
  • Hosting a party in a sparkling, freshly painted home with canapes, chilled champagne and witty conversation all while landing747’s at the San Francisco International Airport: +50 points
  • Losing the 747 in the Bay: -50 points (but with an optional +10 point bonus if the champagne stays bubbly.)

So you see? It’ll be ever so much easier to self-motivate and keep the house in a Martha-Worthy state with this handy means of visual feedback.

I’ll post updates whenever the Prozac kicks in I have something interesting to share.

22 comments

  1. I have just fallen in love with your blog! I feel right at home…. I aspire to use my bedroom chair (if I had one done yet) for laundry… I still have mine in plastic baskets!
    I look forward to reading you posts in hopes of improving my own Martha Points.

  2. Nice job! As an avid listener (and I will deny I ever wrote this) of Martha Stewart Living Radio on Sirius Satellite radio, I got a real kick out of your blog. Sign me up! And carry on!

  3. wow, this is the laugh I needed today, and the reminder that not everyone lives in Marthaville (I know all my neighbors do, it’s “that” kind of neighborhood) – so I made paperplanes with the eldest child (+20 points) after we had spent 5 hours watching tv while I slept on the couch (-50 points – you are not the only one under the weather), told her to go fly them outside in the sunshine (+5) and sat down (-10) and read your blog. I’m in love.

  4. OK…just for making that list you get 1,000,000 Martha Points! I both love and hate Martha…the strive to be Martha when I was younger nearly drove me to the looney bin. Thanks for stopping by 504 Main today! I am going to read more here and subscribe, but I had yo know what Martha Points were ASAP!

    Holly
    504 Main

    PS-You are the only one so far who said they are going to SF for Bootcamp! I am surprised.

  5. Losing the kids in the house is my challenge too, although with a newborn I always know where she is (when she’s attached nursing). :)
    I blog about the trash I find and what I do with; in other words, I find value where others may not see it.
    I loved reading through your blog. What a super writing style you have.
    Take care.
    Laura

  6. Have you ever read Erma Bombeck.?…girl I haven’t laughed since she used to contribute to our newspaper when I worked there in Phnx, many years ago….you’re a true delight! I will have to join your website just for the jockularity……Toni

  7. that sounds like a good system. And if you can land the plane on the bay, I say you get plus 100 points and highly-paid speaking engagements across the board. Plus a really cool nickname. Sully is taken, though, as is Superman. You’ll have think of something else.

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