How to Sell Your Child to the Gypsies

It’s important to be aware that there are procedures here that will ensure a smooth transaction as well as top dollar when it comes to finally selling your kids to a troupe of musically oriented nomadic Romanians. A haphazard approach to child sellage compromises the satisfaction of the exchange, both from a return-on-investment standpoint and in the personal sense of a job well done.

Because really, what did you HAVE the kids for if not to provide for you?

And why wait until you are old and the kids are picking your nursing home? You don’t really want to do it that way.  By then they’ll have power of attorney and they WILL remember that time you grounded them for cat frisbee.

So it’s really better to get what you can for them NOW, before they can legally move out and/or vote for legislation that might hamper this process further.

Step 1:
Appearance. Yes, as shallow as it sounds, how your children look will affect the price they fetch. It’s important that they look clean, but not entitled. Well fed but not greedy. Humble but not downtrodden. The band of gypsies in question is going to consider the manner in which your child will enhance the presentation of the caravan. Adorning a hoodie with ribbons is a good embellishment, as are bells on the Converse tennies.

Step 2:
Abilities. You need to think ahead for this one. As handy as it might seem to teach your children skills that make YOUR household run more smoothly,  let’s face it, they’re not going to do those things ANYWAY. You will get a better yield, kid-to-gold-wise, if you teach them things that your typical traveling gypsy population will need. Camel grooming is always a good one, as is wagon-wheel fixing. More creative children can learn fire juggling and advanced tambourining skills.

Step 3:
Timing. This one is important! As tempting as it is – and it will be soooooo tempting – do NOT try to enter into negotiations for the sale of children immediately after you have discovered an iPod in the peanut butter or a freshly shaved chihuahua. You will NOT do your best haggling at this time! You will find yourself offering to PAY the gypsies to take them, and in your desperation you might even consider throwing in one of the family cars and/or DVD players to sweeten the deal.

People have asked me, “Lori, how do I know when my kids are ready for selling?”

The answer is both complex and multi-factorial (and those are totally DIFFERENT things). The formula is this: divide your child’s age by the number of times you have to remind them to put the seat down on the toilet (for boy children) or unplug their flat-iron (mostly for girl children but not always). Multiply the quotient by the number of weekly refrigerator re-stockings and then add the number of days you have needed to prepare scale model replicas of historical sites in the hour before the first period bell rings at school.

If the answer to that is >1, the time is now.

And if you have at any time in your child’s life needed to utter the words, “I’m really sorry, I’ll make sure to get your son’s underwear back to him by tomorrow” to another parent, the time is yesterday.

Happy bartering!