I have to dispose of all my 2010 lists now.
Woefully out-of-date. Obsolete.
Much like my hair style and these leggings.
Those old past-their-sell-by-date lists include things like:
- Become famous
- Become rich
- Write “Eat, Pray, Love.”
- Be regularly mistaken for Catherine Zeta Jones
Not necessarily in that order.
And, let’s be honest. Those things are all overdone. Passe.
It’s a new year, I need a new list.
So, for 2011:
- Invent anti-fat
- Win a sweepstake by not entering (also acceptable, win a lottery by not entering)
- Become the first person to successfully circumnavigate Bill O’Reilly’s ego
- Launch a cutting edge fashion movement around pink fuzzy slippers and pizza stains
- Create a scale model of the Sistine Chapel in macaroni art
- Interview Ellen DeGeneres and/or Opus the Penguin for the first IPoMP Newsletter (with bonus search-a-word)
- Write 2010 on no fewer than six hundred and seventeen checks
- Scour the planet for purple sequined Keds
- Establish inter-species communication with meerkats
I have no timetable for these objectives. Timetables are for the stifled, the bourgeoisie, if you will.
You and I, we don’t set our lives by the turn of the calendar or the tick of the clock.
Those things are for people who don’t understand the global imperative of sparkly footwear.
We’re a cut above, you and I.
What’s on your list?
In Pursuit of Martha Points 
1) if you find purple sparkly Keds, you MUST tell Mommy where.
And
2) it’s probably weird that I have not one, but TWO posts on my blog about how meerkats make me angry. There’s even a song about it!
“Those things are for people who don’t understand the global imperative of sparkly footwear.” YES. you so get me. <3
Ah Keds…. takes me back to when I was in college and pink and green were THE colors to wear. And Big Hair.
I lived life on the edge then.
But the sparkly Keds…. THOSE would have been kicker (pun intended)!
I think, though I am hardly an expert & just have to go by what is for sale in Target, that leggings are actually in right now.
I win lotteries I never entered all the time. I don’t know how many lottery companies I have sent my name, addy, ss#, bank routing # & blood type too. My goal this year is to COLLECT all those winnings.
But their email addys keep bouncing
Do sparkly floors count?
My Christmas ornaments have been shedding. I have sparkles everywhere. And with the cat fur? I have miniature sparkly tumbleweeds.
Is this list written by Snookie from Jerseyshore? She loves herself some fuzzy slipper and pizza stains.
Can you do a follow up interview with Bill the Cat when you’re done with Opus? I love that zany Bill.
Also, anti-fat?
Yes please.
Have I ever told you you’re my hero? (damn it. now there’s Bette Midler in my head. I am my own worst enemy some days…)
It took all my willpower to not write 2010 on the checks I wrote for daycare yesterday. I seriously had to stop, think, then write (and think at the same time!!). Man, I needed a nap after that.
Could you not just take a glue gun with purple sequins to plain keds? Would that count?
Dude, you have to cross off the circumnavigation of O’Reilly’s ego–it’s a fruitless enterprise. I am still waiting to wake up looking like Catherine Zeta-Jones…hope springs eternal.
On my bucket list:
-create chastity-belt-type muzzles for Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil, Suze Orman.
-invent personal feed bags for children so mine will cease whining for food.
-figure out why they can de-bark a dog but cannot de-meow a cat. Harryboy is a prime candidate for de-meowing.
Happy New Year!
Personal feedbags – yes! Sign me up.
a) you still write checks?
b) http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=742828042&tid=plfr1r
you’re welcome :)
I write checks. Not for everything, but a few bills do not seem to be electronic bill payer friendly. :)
My list begins and ends with just one simple thing: win a IPoMP mug.
Oooh…I want one too!
Me, too, me, too!!
Ok, so MommaKiss commented what I was going to comment. That level of Psychic is unnerving.
All I am left with is that I hope you at least had to look up how to spell bourgeoisie. Or let spell check do it for you. Otherwise? I’m all in awe of your spelling prowess.
…hell, I’m just excited that I got the reference… I are smart!
My list was to not make a list at all this year.
So far, so good!
But I like yours!
The only thing on my list is to figure out how to get my children to sleep. Or at least how to ignore their crying in the night and sleep through it myself. Or convince DH he hears them when he’s, in fact, snoring. Though I do poke him in the ribs to alert him to that fact fairly often. Or throw off the covers, stomp out of bed, and curse to let him know how much I do NOT like that I cannot ignore the children as much as I would like to.
If you can’t find the sparkly Keds, you might try Vans….went there for daughter’s prized shoes, and they must have every color on the planet.
Your goals and list are quite inspiring, my dear. I often hope to win the lottery by not playing, and it just hasn’t happened. I also hope to get fit without exercising.
I’ll let you know how that works out.
Ummm yeah I really hope you can get that new fashion movement of pink fuzzy slippers and pizza stains. My list this year was to stick with what I am currently doing. It seems to be working.
#1 on my list – figure out how to put together a search-a-word.
You’ve already got me beat it seems.
Start swimming.
HA! I’m joking. That sounds like it takes massive motivation and way too much time. What with the showering before and after and whatnot.
I’ll say…Clear my DVR to 0%. I can think of nothing that would feel like a fresher start to a new year than that.
as always, you are hilarious!
“Write Eat, pray, love” ?! That sounds vaguely familiar…
Okay, so just let me know what you need me to do help you accomplish your list. Because obviously each one of those things will benefit all of us.
You still write checks?
THAT should be on your list. NO MORE CHECKS!
Find you and make out with you.
(But only if you’re wearing the purple Keds.)
(Obv.)
– B x
Procuring purple sequined Keds requires:
– Keds
– Purple sequins
– A glue gun
– An underdeveloped sense of shame
You gotta complete the Bill O’Reilly one, PLEASE! Better yet, don’t circumnavigate his ego, plow right through it, bury it, destroy it, use it for fertilizer. Thanks so much.
My list:
1. Figure out how to get people to pay me for reading blogs like yours and writing my own.
2. Consume more cream cheese and artichoke dip.
I love your list!
1. learn to swim
2. try not to look disgusting in swim suit
Sequins are so 2010. Prints are in:
This is high fashion, sister
Just trying to help you cross one thing off that list.
[and wow, if that link worked up there, I’m a rock star. I have no earthly idea what to do with all that code-y stuff.]
Awesome (your list). But a slight correction: leggings are NOT out-of-date. They are not officially in style for the rest of our lives and I’m hanging onto that belief with all that I am! My list has “Paint toenails eventually” on it and “Catch up on Gossip Girl then make out with Chuck Bass” :)
Leggings are still okay. Jeggings? Not so much.
I adore sparkly footwear. I could probably make you some sequin Keds. I made myself a pair of swarovski crystal encrusted heels when I didn’t want to pay twelve million dollars for them.
E6000 glue! It’s a good thing.
Purple keds VS. Pursey Galore. I smell another IPoMP prize fight.
I have no list.
Damn it.
Was I supposed to make a list?
Nobody tells me anything.
#1 on my list . . . get people to tell me stuff.
Listen, regarding Bill O’Reilly’s ego, I hate to break it to you, Lori, but it ain’t gonna happen. Your circumnavigation will go horribly awry. Like a Bold, Fresh Piece of Shit.
Love the list. Love sparkly footwear. Note to self: time to buy some sparkly chuck taylors.
Dang. I was going to write Eat, Pray, Love!
Elizabeth Taylor would not have had a finer resolutions list.
I wrote the Da Vinci Code last year. And then some guy named Dan tried to tell me he wrote it first. Whatever, Dan! I bet you got Tom Hanks to star in the film adaptation, too, huh?!
Please…please…PLEASE…invent anti-fat! For the love of God and chocolate cake, please! I beg you…
Mother Hen would sincerely love an IPOMP mug, except for one thing — she does not make coffee. She is certain to lose significant Martha points for that admission, but there, it’s done now.